If you’re reading this, you’re part of something big that’s happening. A shift. A move towards a different way of being in the world.
I’m not suggesting that mindfulness is a new idea that we’ve come up with recently – it’s well known that it dates back over 2500 years.
But mindful living certainly hasn’t been at the heart of contemporary western culture during my own lifetime. I believe the current popularity of mindfulness illustrates that many of us are ready for something different. Or at least that we’re questioning some of the received wisdom we’ve been offered and encouraged to follow.
Committing to mindfulness is more than just following a current trend. If you practice regularly in any way – whether in sitting meditation or in daily life – you’re doing something that may be more significant than you realise.
This is a practice which can turn everything we thought we knew on its head. It can impact us deeply at a personal level, which then also means that we affect the world around us in a new, more positive way.
To understand why this way of being is so transformative, it’s worth considering our usual human defaults. We’re wired to be safe as a priority. If you’ve read one of the many articles about recent neuroscience (for example Rick Hanson’s work), you’ll know that our brains have a built-in ‘negativity bias’ which ensures that we detect any threat very readily, but doesn’t necessarily help us to dwell on what’s great about being alive. So, when we meet anything unpleasant in our experience, it’s natural to try to avoid it – just in case it might pose a threat to our safety. However, this avoidant mindset can also mean that we become numb to much that is enriching in our lives. We can be too busy being vigilant to be content and appreciative.
Engaging in mindfulness can help to re-balance this. But more than that – being mindful invites us to override this inherent tendency. If you’ve done an 8-week course, you may remember that the part about ‘turning towards’ our experience can be the most challenging. It’s where we learn to start letting our experience be as it is, warts and all, instead of resisting and fighting with the bits that feel uncomfortable. This is the radical bit.
American teacher Tempel Smith offered a description of this resistance that I think really sums it up – that we’re constantly trying to arrange life so that it doesn’t trigger us. But as he also says (and I agree), mindfulness offers us a freedom beyond this. The way I see it is this. If we are successful in arranging life so that it’s always pleasant and easy, we may end up living a very restricted, narrow life. For example, there may be reluctance to try new things, or to see other people’s point of view. This was definitely true for me before I discovered the practice: I was avoiding so much of my life that there wasn’t much living actually happening. Mindfulness can help us to stop arranging life so that it’s not difficult, and start believing that we are strong enough to cope with the waves of unpleasant experience that arise. This creates a type of confidence that is much more powerful than anything crafted out of defensive strategies. We come to realise that those uncomfortable waves certainly do keep coming, but that they also pass away again, and that they seem to subside quicker when we learn to get out of the way and let life happen. And we learn how resilient we really are.
This is not to say that we should deliberately seek out experiences that challenge us to the point of feeling overwhelmed – that wouldn’t be practising the self-kindness that is a vital component of mindful development. It’s about going at your own pace. The more you practice, the more you begin to trust that you know when to edge into territory that feels more unfamiliar, and more challenging.
Going deeper in your mindfulness practice, being willing to ‘be with’ the difficult aspects of your experience, just as they are, takes alot of guts. Instead of going down your habitual pathway, you’re forging a new one. And you have no idea what it will feel like till you explore it.
This might apply to a moment in meditation practice, for example when fear or sadness arises. Or it might apply to a situation in everyday life. Each time we are faced with something difficult or unpleasant, and we can stay present enough to notice it with kindness, and choose how we respond, we’re being incredibly courageous. And it’s not just for our own sake. This way of being touches everyone that we come into contact with.
As we go about our day, we constantly interact with others: whether family and friends, fellow drivers or passengers, online contacts, people in shops, colleagues etc. Mindfulness may not turn us into the model of serenity and compassion overnight, but it does gradually change the nature of these interactions. We become quicker to smile and slower to complain. The ripples of our practice begin to spread outwards, beyond ourselves. We may also make choices in our work and lifestyle which have a positive impact on others, even if just that we are happier and therefore easier to be around!
I’ve seen all of this both in my own life and that of my students. When we bring a warm, friendly awareness to our experience, the smallest moments can be extraordinary. I recently found myself in a familiar situation which can trigger feelings of stress and defensiveness in me. There’s a street I drive down often where there is never enough room for two-way traffic. So there has to be a constant flow of people letting someone else get through first before they can go. As you can imagine, it can breed an atmosphere of ‘everyone for themselves’ when we’re all in a hurry. Recently I was driving along this street, and I waited to let a few people go before me. A van driver saw this and stopped to let me through. I felt tension arise in me as I thought ‘oh no, I can’t get through that small gap he’s left me’, and started to panic. But instead of getting swept up in frustration and irritation, I relaxed and related to myself with humour about it. The expression on my face showed the van driver I wasn’t confident enough to squeeze through, but I wasn’t going to get uptight about that. And he smiled back, then reversed to give me more room. The warmth and lightness of that fleeting interaction really stayed with me. It lifted my day and reminded me what can happen when we interrupt our habitual reactions and make a different choice.
I’ve deliberately used a fairly mundane example of mindful living here, because that’s where mindfulness makes its mark – on the many brief everyday moments of our lives. My own experience is gathering more moments like these. The more I bring awareness and kindness to myself, the more that spills over into how I am out in the world. I know that’s down to my practice.
Here are some of the other places I notice it. In parenting, when I’m feeling drained, yet able to respond to my son with gentleness and enthusiasm. When something painful arises in my personal life, and I can see and attend to my own pain, rather than blaming or criticising others. In my working life, when my insecurity arises, but I meet it with kind awareness, which can transform tension into connection. When something ‘goes wrong’ (like my website going down or arriving to teach in a venue that’s been double-booked), and I don’t take it quite so personally: instead of getting cross and upset, I can often see things in a broader perspective. This saves alot of energy and unnecessary conflict with others.
All of these little moments add up to a shift in my whole way of living. One that allows me to be more at peace with myself and others, even if at times my actions aren’t completely skilful. After all, I’m not 100% mindful all the time!
The mindful revolution that was heralded a while ago in magazines and on social media is happening. And if you’re with me in trying to be more mindful, you’re part of that – even if you find meditation a struggle, or you don’t always like the way you react to people or situations. It’s a process, and a journey.
I wonder how your own mindfulness journey might unfold. And if we all stepped into those new ways of being, I wonder how that ripple effect could impact the world we live in. When we’re inhabiting our own experience mindfully, we’re allowing those around us to discover new possibilities too.
So when you next sit down to meditate, or you choose a mindful response in a challenging moment, remember that this is no small thing. It’s a radical act. Every time. And all those ‘small’ acts add up to something pretty special.
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Really beautiful article.. so true–>”Mindfulness may not turn us into the model of serenity and compassion overnight, but it does gradually change the nature of these interactions. We become quicker to smile and slower to complain. The ripples of our practice begin to spread outwards, beyond ourselves. We may also make choices in our work and lifestyle which have a positive impact on others, even if just that we are happier and therefore easier to be around!”
Indeed its the small acts/things/events in life we can be mindful about that transform us!
Thank you for your kind words – I’m glad it resonated with you 🙂
Hi Sheila, I had the opportunity to live in a mindful community in northern Thailand for 1 year. Since I’ve been practicing meditation and mindfulness I have become less reactive in emotional situations…..well most of the time. lol Thanks for sharing this article! 🙂
You’re very welcome, I’m glad you appreciated it 🙂 Wow, what an experience that year must have been!