Using Mindfulness to Calm Toddler Tantrums

by Liz Lowe

Today it was because I’d mixed the blue paint and the yellow paint to make green, and the toddler wasn’t ready for that particular discovery. Yesterday it was because I wouldn’t let her take one bite out of every apple in the fruit bowl and lick all the dates.

We’re in the midst of the toddler tantrum phase and, like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates, I never quite know what I’m going to get next.

Several months ago, I felt and heard myself getting more and more frustrated with these unexpected, seismic outbursts. I could map out our local area by the spots where the toddler had hurled herself on the ground in protest at something that was, no doubt, incredibly important to her, but that I had failed to see the significance of. My sweet girl had developed a fearsome will and I was ever more conscious of being at its mercy; helpless in the eye of the storm.

With another child on the way, and unnerved by the extra wrinkles that were appearing, I began to seek solutions. Chocolate and yoga, sometimes simultaneously, worked well; but I needed something more readily accessible. I was determined to maintain my gentle approach to parenting, and felt uncomfortable with the anger that crept into my voice, and the tension that rose inside me at times. I didn’t know how to manage the meltdowns; both hers and mine.

That was when I started reading about mindfulness. As a long time devotee of yoga I understand the value and importance of a calm, compassionate outlook, and of taking care of our physical and mental wellbeing. My problem was that my yogic moments were increasingly sporadic, and maintaining that post-yoga and meditation vibe was tough when continually challenged by a mini tyrant.

I needed resources that I could tap into throughout the day. Being pregnant ruled out a hip flask, but luckily mindfulness came to the rescue.

Mindfulness has helped me in several ways. The benefits were immediate, and as my practice slowly matures I see more and more positive outcomes as a result. What began with a little absent minded Googling (I was not a naturally mindful person) led to me undertaking the MBSR course; something that I believe to have been invaluable for me and my family.

I was initially daunted by the daily practices that the course required. Whilst the subject matter immediately resonated with me, for the first few weeks I was resentful of the time the course took up and found myself rebelling and opting out for a day or two each week. But I soon began to notice the difference between the days when I did the formal practices, and those when I didn’t. It was then that I had a major shift and came to understand that, in fact, it was worth investing a few moments each day to help the rest of my life to flow smoothly.

I now focus on incorporating mindfulness into everyday life and activities, and find mindful breathing to be particularly helpful. I also try to make time for formal practices most days (even if they’re really short ones).

Here’s how mindfulness has helped me to tame the toddler tantrums.

Avoiding tantrums in the first place

I don’t mean locking yourself in the bathroom until it’s all over, although that is tempting at times.

For me, a mindful approach to parenting has reduced the likelihood and frequency of tantrums. When I remember to be present throughout everyday activities, such as drinking my morning tea or taking a shower, it gives my mind a rest from planning or ruminating. I’m calmer and therefore better positioned to respond empathetically to toddler demands.

By remaining mindful I’ve increased our meaningful connections throughout the day. People tend to talk a lot about ‘quality time’, but I’ve realised that any time I give my daughter my full attention then that is quality time. For a toddler, even mundane activities can be fascinating. Look at how exciting it is when they figure out how to take their shoes off, or open your expensive face cream. Simply ‘being’ with the toddler as she moves at her own (often excruciating slow) pace, and explores the wonder of the everyday, has really strengthened our connection. This also allows me to share in the natural mindful mentality of my child, and gives her the message that I respect her agenda.

So, I try not to over-schedule our days, and allow for times when we can just meander along. Sometimes the walk to the park is as much of an adventure as the park itself. Motherhood, above all else, is about the journey rather than the destination.

Recognising my own stress triggers

I love this quote by Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting, in relation to parent/child battles:

‘You always have the power to calm the storm, or to inflame it.’

Being mindful, and recognising when my shoulders are beginning to tense and my stress levels are rising, allows me to pause, to take a few breaths and to think about the emotions behind my reactions. By acknowledging those feelings I can then calm myself and deal with what’s important; helping my child to process her own emotions without adding my own into the mix.

For example, when I struggle to get the toddler to do simple things like get dressed or brush her teeth, I sometimes feel utterly incompetent as a parent. I wonder how it can be so hard for me to get a small person and myself out of the house before midday, when everyone else seems to manage it just fine, and with ironed clothes. This leads to feelings of powerlessness and frustration, and then follows anger and the urge to take charge.

Now, more often than not, I see all those emotions beginning to bubble up and take a few deep breaths and maybe a good swig of coffee. I recognise that those thoughts are just thoughts, not reality, and are connected to my dislike of confrontation. I’m now more likely to respond, rather than react, and to think creatively rather than being dragged into a bad mood by my thoughts. I might make a game out of whatever I’m trying to achieve, or pause and engage with whatever it is that the toddler wants to do, before trying again.

I’ve noticed that the more I exercise patience and respect the toddler’s mini agenda, the more often she is willing to be compliant with my requests. It doesn’t always work, but it’s a great improvement.

Accepting life, and tantrums, as they unfold

Life with a toddler is nothing if not unpredictable. And that’s part of the joy of it, but also a major challenge. I used to find it quite stressful, particularly in situations with friends and family, when the toddler wasn’t being as sweet or chatty as I’d hoped. Or when she was mauling another child who’d had the audacity to touch HER buggy or to come a bit too close to HER Mummy. I would fret about how to fix the situation and wish that I could change it; worrying about what everyone else was thinking and being disappointed that all had not turned out as planned.

Although this is definitely a work in progress, I’m now better at just allowing things to happen as they happen. Instead of letting my mind dwell on how I wanted things to be, I’m better positioned to tune into what’s going on with the toddler, and help her process whatever big emotions she’s feeling, whilst setting kind limits on inappropriate behaviour. I’m able to focus more on resolving the situation, rather than being upset that it happened in the first place and being critical of myself as a result.

Dealing with tantrums (loud, embarrassing tantrums…)

It’s really hard to remain grounded in the midst of a full scale toddler tantrum, especially when in public. Worries and assumptions about what everyone else is thinking, and what I ‘should’ be doing, tend to flood into my mind. Communicating with a flailing hysterical child is pretty impossible, so generally I try now to ensure that she’s safe and then to just ‘be’ with her. I aim to be a kind presence, and to keep attempting to communicate mindfully. I might tell her that I’ll be ready for a cuddle when she is, or articulate the emotions she may be feeling, so that she feels understood. It doesn’t always work; I’m a mum muddling through, not an expert. But sometimes it does, and I find that our post-tantrum connections are getting stronger and stronger as a result.

I’m mindful too of my own needs. Sometimes I need to leave the scene and regroup in order to be able to respond effectively. I’ve learned that looking after myself is a prerequisite to being able to take care of anyone else. Rather than berating myself for my child’s behavior, and allowing critical thoughts to surface, I try to also support myself through the tantrums. I focus on my breath and acknowledge the difficult emotions I may be feeling.

Being mindful after the event can also be useful, and I find that once the toddler volcano has settled she enjoys having a cuddle and talking about why she was so upset or angry. If I didn’t manage to keep my cool, then I’ll talk about why I was frustrated too. Taking time to debrief and listen mindfully means that I’ll sometimes gain more insight into the feelings behind the meltdowns, so that we can address those and avoid a re-run.

Above all, I try to regularly practice mindful breathing. I often do it as I leave the house and take a look around at the outside world. Or when I’m cooking, or washing or being covered in stickers by the toddler. I find that if I keep on practicing this during calm moments it really helps me to use my breath to stay grounded when things all go a little crazy.

And, with toddlers involved, it’s always going to be a little crazy.

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