On My Way Home

This is Mary’s journey to mindfulness…

On My Way Home

I have always had the spirit of an explorer. And quite a long time ago I started the exploration that I vaguely called “finding my real self.” I didn’t even have the slightest idea of what I was looking for or why, but I knew it was vitally important.

My search was fueled by very shaky and uncertain circumstances. After high school graduation, I entered a theater university in another city. It was a nightmare full of emotional instability, intensive fear and extremes. For some reason they believed that the more hysterical you got the better. And on top of that, my young attractive appearance and sex appeal were drawing too much of men’s attention. But because of my inner dignity, intellect and conservative upbringing, I was very strict when it came to sex. Needless to say, it also brought me much struggle with my natural impulses.

I did all sorts of things: reading tons of books on spiritual topics, waking up at 5 AM, doing some exercises from a yoga book, observing a sunrise, writing down my thoughts and feelings, positive thinking, affirmations, different programs offered by various physchologists on the Oprah show, the law of attraction thing, spending time in Orthodox churches (not because of a particular interest in that religion but due to the atmosphere of deep silence). The list is endless. But all those things were only giving me some partial understanding as well as pleasant biochemical reactions in my body but nothing more. Nothing seemed to give me the answer.

I felt that I was destroying myself on all levels: emotionally, physically and mentally. I had to do something about it. And during the filming of a short film, there was a romantic scene where I was supposed to meet a guy in a park. We started improvising, and suddenly, he told me he was doing yoga and how it influenced his life. I don’t know why, but something struck me. That was it!

The turning point happened when I started doing yoga and meditation with a group of people united by the same need for inner stability and truth. I felt that my confusion started to dissolve. Basically, it was the beginning of the transition from complete mind identification toward mindfulness and awareness. And also, I was very interested in the exploration of another “kind” of acting that comes from a calm state of mind and inner depth.

Very slowly, I was diving deeper into the practice. We were intentionally combining yoga and Zen not only on mats and cushions but also in our everyday life. Later we started to study meditation methods from Tibetan sources: Chokyi Nima Rinpoche, Tsoknyi Rinpoche and Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche as well as brilliant contemporary teachings by Eckhart Tolle.

Then, suddenly, I was faced with another tough challenge in my life. I was diagnosed with a huge tumor in my belly and had to undergo a serious operation. This situation triggered a great deal of my deepest fears, painful memories, etc. But I was trying to use my “skills” of being aware and present rather than being totally absorbed by this endless “tragedy,” self-pity and all that stuff.

It helped me tremendously to see how my own mind had been masterfully joking with me by engaging in the same patterns of thoughts and emotions and producing automatic reactions. It is like watching a 3D movie with all kinds of scenarios in your head. Wow! Another revelation came when I realized that this self-created slavery is not personal at all. Finally, the answer shined through. I came HOME, which is not a special place or person. It is awareness itself. Of course staying in that state effortlessly and permanently means complete enlightment. For now I can only “get there” for short periods. But I know exactly where the pathway to my real home lies.

Then came the point when I felt a strong desire to share my journey through my acting. To say that it is possible not to lose but find yourself in any life situation. So I started to write and that’s how my autobiographical one woman show “So Good To Be Home!” was born. That profound insight gave me an enormous power to open myself and bring lightness and humor to it.

Everyone encounters obstacles on his or her way, and I’m sure they can connect with my story. There is something in us that wants to find the ultimate truth and freedom.

To make my show available to as many people as possible, in addition to live performances, I have shot a film version, which I will release online at http://www.sogoodtobehome.tv. It is now in final stages of post-production, and soon I will announce the release date. Moreover, I will use the pay-what-you-want model as I would like everybody to have a chance to see the show and learn from my experience. Also, those who wish to subscribe to the show’s newsletter at http://www.sogoodtobehome.tv/subscribe/ will participate in a free private online screening with live discussion.

Here’s the trailer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2v7l8M-Lmg

Join me for a cup of tea!