Never Turn Away

By Suryacitta Malcolm Smith

All of us to varying degrees have aspects of ourselves that we either don’t like, are ashamed of, or are afraid of. If you think you don’t then you are either very spiritually mature or you don’t know yourself very well.

Normally we keep all these parts of ourselves well hidden from ourselves and others. However, they leek out in various ways. It may be covert behaviour, sneaky remarks, gossiping, or anger that we don’t want others to see. We keep these hidden because we have a view of ourselves and these aspects don’t fit in with that view. I had a view of myself as a generous person, and indeed there is that aspect, but when I was on meditation retreats – and I was leading them – I would notice how obsessed I could become when queuing for the meals. I would stand there hoping that the guy in front wouldn’t get the large piece of pie that was left, or would worry that there wouldn’t be enough porridge left for me if I wasn’t at breakfast early. I realised that although I am capable of generosity I am also capable of being greedy and obsessive. At this point I began to recognise not just the aspects that I liked but also the parts that I didn’t. I started to bring into consciousness all those banished energies/parts that I viewed as unacceptable either because I was uncomfortable with or frightened of them.

This led to a very different way of practising mindfulness meditation. I found that instead of trying to control my experience so that I could feel good, I would bring curiosity to my experience. I would intentionally look for the very parts that I was previously running away from. This led me to face myself in a way I had never before, and it’s been the best thing I have done.

This is now how I teach mindfulness meditation. Instead of controlling and running from their experience I encourage people to turn toward whatever it is that is upsetting them or are afraid of. This is a way of bringing love and acceptance into meditation rather than control and being judgemental. Mindfulness in this way is a way of truly loving yourself, it is saying to all those hurt parts “I am not abandoning you any longer, it may take me a while to accept you but I am going to do my best.” And our best is all we can do, it is not about heroic endeavours but more about little ways we are willing to stay with uncomfortable sensations and feelings instead of zipping off to use the internet, phone a friend or eat more cheese. Sometimes we may even reach something that just feels too much right now, and that is accepted too. As well as curiosity we also need patience and kindness.

I am occasionally asked – Why do this? Well either you are drawn to wanting to heal your life or you are not and I have found that mindfulness practised intelligently does work.

When I meditate nowadays I rarely turn away from myself no matter what is present. I know that I am a good person, and I know that I am capable of some pretty nasty things. The difference now is that I am aware of them and mostly I don’t act them out. One of the main benefits of healing in this way is that we become more comfortable with ourselves and other people. Once I stop demonising parts of myself, I stop demonising that very same behaviour/trait in others. Mindfulness is a path to liberation, love and happiness but is not without its trials on the way.

So I urge you to never turn away from your pain but to gently turn toward and even greet it. Treat it like a hurt child and give it space to feel as it wants to feel and to reveal itself to you. This is not analysis or trying to work out why we feel like this, but more like simply being with whatever is hurting. We tend to have a view that if we keep bad feelings out of awareness we will be well, not so. They stay around and often rebel in the form of negativity or illness. What we often fail to see is that if we have anything inside that feels sick, ill or uncomfortable we can turn toward it and breathe. Let it be felt. This is the way it can release and transform into what it needs to. This is the way of compassion and compassion to oneself is compassion to the whole of life.

Try this:

Sit down and bring to mind something about yourself you find difficult. It may be violent or sexual thoughts, maybe dishonesty or secrecy, it doesn’t matter. Notice your reaction to this and how it makes you feel. Give it space and breathe. Notice the thoughts about this part too. Stay with this for a few minutes then just drop it into your heart. Don’t be scientific about it, “where’s the heart”? The intention is enough. The heart always receives and forgives without judgement. If there is judgement that is not the heart, but then drop the judger into the heart too. This is an act of love.

Suryacitta Malcolm Smith, is one of the most experienced mindfulness teachers in the UK.

Find his website here.

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