My Mindfulness Journey

by Alex Moore

My story begins five years ago, when I was first diagnosed with a mental illness. Like many others in my situation, the first verdict wasn’t the right one at all. What doctors first pinned down as being a case of borderline personality disorder quickly evolved into full-blown schizophrenia. It took them two years to figure it out, but here I am now.

Unfortunately, I had to get really sick so that doctors could establish what my troubles were. It all happened during the acute stage of my schizophrenia, when the disorder was most active. I was experiencing a psychotic break in the truest sense of the term, and my symptoms were at an all-time high.

I was hallucinating, I behaved erratically, and my perception of reality was distorted beyond recognition. This condition is often accompanied by a persistent sense of isolation because it can disconnect you from other individuals and the rest of the exterior world.

Many people don’t understand the emotional toll that it takes when you aren’t able to connect to reality and when you experience different mood swings on a frequent basis. I’ve been able to find relief by starting a mindfulness journey that has allowed me to make progress in terms of restoring my mental health and limit the severity of the side effects that I experience.

My Approach to Meditation 

While seeing a mental health professional, namely a psychiatrist, I was introduced to practicing mindfulness principally as a way of reducing my emotional reactivity. Prior to this, I felt like no one understood what I was going through. I shut everyone out and getting through to me was like trying to tear down the Great Wall of China with a toothpick.

I decided to give therapy a go on a whim, and I was lucky enough to meet the most wonderful psychiatrist in the world. A 2015 study proving its effectiveness defines mindfulness as the self-regulation of attention and an orientation of curiosity and acceptance toward the situation, or at least, this is how I approached things.

My psychiatrist recommended some books on the topic, and I read them in a heartbeat. My research did not stop there, as I wanted to learn the techniques first hand in order to perfect my approach. Thus, I started attending a course split in 4-week modules. It did not take long for me to start seeing and feeling the benefits.

The course helped me observe my surroundings and meditate, which led to a reduction in my depression and a better understanding on how to gain better control of my emotional state when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve had to practice awareness exercises that made me more present in my daily life, whether that I was at work or simply spending time with friends.

Whatever the situation that I’m now faced with in these contexts is, I embrace and adapt to it. By becoming aware of all the implications, it is easier to accept a new situation and see both the negative and positive sides of what has occurred. Simply looking at the bigger picture helps a lot.

As a result, I am no longer afraid of new and unexpected circumstances that I have to face but have rather learned to embrace what I experience on a day-to-day basis. Knowing that I’ve survived difficult circumstances that were more than I could process has made it easier for me to live in the moment and remind myself that what I’m experiencing will eventually pass.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that I have become oblivious to the fact that my schizophrenia will be with me forever. I chose to accept that and try to work my way around it to the best of my abilities, instead of letting it cripple my life any further. I have turned my worries into motivation to build a better version of myself.

How It Alleviated My Symptoms 

Meditating at different times of the day has allowed me to quiet my inner thoughts and focus on ways of coping instead of the negative perceptions I had of myself. Meditation also helped me during hallucinations because it kept me focused on what I knew was real. What is more, whenever I felt overwhelmed in various circumstances, mindfulness brought me peace.

Through mindfulness, my entire existence has become less cluttered by both material and mental debris. I am now able to assign my time and energy to things that truly matter, rather than being stuck in the toxicity that used to take hold of me.

Through this, I am treating my anxiety every day and reducing the risk of being hospitalized by calming my nerves and remaining focused on what is truly important. By discovering that I had the ability to experience mindfulness in me all along, I was able to find untapped potential and regain as much control of my life as my disorder allowed for.

Now, I am a far more balanced person. Sure, I will always have my bad days, but that’s what meditation is for. I mostly practice sitting meditation, as it has been recommended to me by my psychiatrist as part of an approach she called ‘contemplative psychotherapy’. I deeply enjoy this because it allows me to see what is real, instead of trying to change the moment.

Walking meditation on the other hand was an acquired taste. When I first came across it in my courses, I didn’t quite understand its purpose. Why should I be aware of my walking? What did I gain in terms of mental health by focusing on an otherwise automated action? In time, I understood what it was all about.

By focusing my attention on otherwise mundane actions, I managed to become self-aware at a higher level. Finally, I would like to talk about the benefits of something I only recently got into, namely body scans. I came across this techniques during one of my readings, and it changed my perception of my inner world.

By becoming aware of my sensations, one limb at a time, I became more in tune with my entire self. This is something of great value to us schizophrenics, as it allows us to exercise an impressive dose of self-control we would otherwise lose.

It’s All Evidence-Based 

According to mindful.org, mindfulness has been proved to be as effective as antidepressants in preventing relapse, while allowing patients to make significant progress. I’ve learned that with the use of the medication prescribed by my doctor and by making a habit out of practicing mindfulness, I feel more normal and can remain happier for longer periods of time.

By cultivating the best parts of myself through such practices, I managed to accept and love myself despite my flaws. My schizophrenia does not define me, and it never will, and I no longer have the toxic urge to change everything about myself in hopes that it will go away.

It took me a long time to accept who I was, and when I finally did it was due to the mindfulness techniques I adopted. By meditating in the evening to clear my head before bed, as well as in the morning to kickstart a wonderful day, my thoughts become less and less erratic. The voices in my head stopped for the first time in a long time even if it was for just a few minutes each day.

Moreover, I practiced awareness as often as I could, be it during meals or when I was out grocery shopping. This lowered my stress levels as I was no longer afraid to engage in mundane activities. Things that used to terrify me now no longer seem intimidating, and I can see them as the normal chores they really are.

Practicing Mindfulness 

Although mindfulness-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (MBCT) is a common form of treatment for those who have schizophrenia, it has been proved to be useful for those who have psychosis. It helps to reduce the severity of the symptoms, which can shorten episodes and allow them to resolve quicker.

I feel that MBCT has allowed me to experience better moods because I am now experiencing fewer days of depression and anxiety. It has also put me at less of a risk of abusing drugs or alcohol when I am feeling overwhelmed because I can now begin practicing mindfulness immediately instead.

I am constantly reminded by the professionals that treat me that mindfulness is about being with my experience as it arises at the moment, can be when it’s pleasant or indifferent. Mindfulness doesn’t always have to be about the cultivation of positive thoughts and emotions but being open to every single type of challenge life throws your way.

Although there are different types of schizophrenia, mindfulness can be used in both subtle and severe cases based on my experience. It involves acceptance of how you are currently feeling and then taking a step back to examine the situation to see the bigger picture.

I am also learning how to practice empathy and compassion toward myself to ensure that I’m able to discard any negative thoughts or emotions. Knowing that I’m present, but that the experience will pass, allows me to overcome schizophrenia one day at a time.

Embracing the Journey 

Although schizophrenia has been a journey that I’ve experienced throughout much of my life, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. Embracing mindfulness and putting it to use each day has allowed me to get some of my power back and take control of who I am rather than feeling like a victim of the mental condition.

Therapists and other medical professionals have recently told me that I can overcome the disease to some extent because I’ve learned how to make it a part of my lifestyle and use it as a tool to my advantage. Due to the significant progress that has allowed me to live a normal life again, I have hope and determination that I’ll be able to regain my mental stability for the rest of my life.

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For more information on schizophrenia check http://www.schizlife.com/