Monkey Mind to Mindfulness

by Amy McMillan

Busy mind? Preoccupied with future planning? A ‘bit of a worrier’?   For twenty-seven years, this was my life.  My brain was often a classic example of what Buddhists call the ‘monkey mind’.  I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t slightly on edge, even during childhood.  I prided myself on my active mind and ability to ‘multi-task’.  I saw worry as a protection mechanism and lived in the future, conjuring up scenarios and worrying until I solved these imaginary problems.  For twenty-seven years, I accepted this as normal, hiding my worries within my seemingly care-free, people-pleasing personality.  According to Eckhart Tolle, the vast majority of us feel the same.

“Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realise this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness….” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

It took the stress of my mother’s cancer diagnosis when she was fifty-five and her subsequent death at fifty-seven to finally help me realise that there must be another way. This way of living was exhausting and unsustainable, even without a life-crisis and bereavement to deal with.  Work stress and insomnia were also taking their toll and I had reached breaking point.  So I embarked on a journey…

I started yoga, initially just due to a vague idea that it was relaxing.  Of course, I soon realised that it is so much more than that.  Through my teacher, I discovered mindfulness meditation. The world changed in the blink of an eye. We are not our thoughts?! I had always been fused with my thoughts; I perceived them as reality.  The fact that there are techniques to bring us back to the present moment and diffuse from our thoughts was a complete eye-opener.  I’m not sure that I had ever been fully in the present moment and this was a complete epiphany for me.  I had previously tried to resist and push away unpleasant thoughts and emotions but this revelation gave me a new perspective. These thoughts and feelings were NOT ME and they would pass. The principles of mindfulness shifted my whole perspective overnight.

However, practicing mindfulness is easier said than done, particularly for those among us with busy minds.  The changes to my everyday life have been gradual; two steps forward and one step back.  There are definitely days and weeks where I’ve ‘fallen off the wagon’ and suffered the consequences of ‘monkey mind’.  I initially struggled to commit to a regular practice.  As I sat quietly for the first time in my life, I was confronted by a barrage of thoughts which ranged from trivial to very anxiety- inducing. I found it frustrating that I could not clear my mind for more than a couple of seconds (although I now understand that I don’t have to fight to ‘clear my mind’ but just to acknowledge all that comes up). Gradually I learned to accept that this can be a long journey and that frustrations and setbacks are all a natural part of the process.  I finally learned to treat myself with kindness and compassion.  I committed to practice an aspect of mindfulness daily, whether that meant sitting for a short meditation, or simply going for a walk and becoming aware of the sights, sounds, smells and sensations around me. The glimpses of intense presence, clarity and aliveness that I experienced were enough to keep me on my path, even though they were fleeting at times.

I have now been on this path for more than seven years and the principles of mindfulness are becoming embedded in my life. I make it a priority to meditate – even if only for a short time – every day.  I also practice asana (yoga postures) daily.  I’m no longer constantly in a rush, trapped by the belief that somehow being busy makes us more valuable.  I no longer see multi-tasking as something to be proud of.  I still struggle with distractions such as the internet and my smart phone, but I know that I’m heading in the right direction and I accept that this journey will take time.  I have a baby daughter who teaches me mindfulness (and patience!) every day and I’m able to see the beauty in the ‘ordinary’ moments of motherhood.  Motherhood is intensely rewarding but also hugely challenging and we need all the skills we can get to ride the waves.  Despite teething, tummy bugs and tantrums, I’m (usually) a calmer, kinder mum than I would have otherwise been.

I am able to approach life with more balance and equanimity; I’m more in touch with my emotions, and am able to acknowledge the ‘bad’ ones as I don’t identify with them as deeply and I understand they will pass. I have more compassion for myself and others, and if I ‘fall off the wagon’, I don’t judge myself as I understand that I am on a lifelong journey and there is no hurry.  I am gradually befriending and taming my monkeys! Becoming aware of what is going on inside me, and learning to treat myself with compassionate curiosity, has helped me to begin the process of grieving for my mother.

I also feel an increased sense of connection to the world around me, and nature in particular.  I am more in tune with my surroundings and actively crave stillness; a previously unfamiliar sensation.  I practice meditation anywhere and everywhere; whether it is in a sunlit woodland, or in a crowded train station.  I’ve learned that the conditions do not have to be perfect (cue melodic Tibetan bells and gently flowing streams) and that all the sounds and sensations of life can become part of a meditation once I open to them.

Mindfulness and yoga have also helped me to become reacquainted with my body and breath.  I had always lived in my head, never really paying much attention to my body.  This had led to a variety of postural issues and chronic tension. Yoga and regular practice of the basic mindfulness technique called the Body Scan have enabled me to begin to make friends with my body and develop better body awareness. I am learning to stop resisting my tension and to accept myself with kindness.  Previously a source of great frustration, my sleep has improved.

This continues to be a fascinating journey.  I’ve trained to be a yoga teacher and I’m now embarking on a course to teach mindfulness skills to others. Yoga and mindfulness complement each other beautifully; they both teach us the skills to calm and open the mind.  Both take us on a path of self-discovery and lead us home to ourselves.

Mindfulness can begin with commitment to just a short daily meditation practice or informal mindfulness techniques (such as brushing your teeth or washing your hair, fully present to the sensations).  Using chores such as washing up or unloading the dishwasher to practice mindfulness can turn the most arduous and mundane experiences into an opportunity to develop life-enhancing skills.  There are any number of online meditations and helpful apps to start you off and point you in the right direction.  Patience and compassionate curiosity towards yourself are vital; this is a long but wonderful journey that can enhance every area of life.

Mindfulness is for everybody, regardless of religion, ethnicity, age or gender.  It’s not a quick fix, but with dedication, it can even help people with minds as busy as mine!  It’s never too early or too late to start befriending your monkey mind and there’s no time like the present…

Amy McMillan is a yoga teacher, primary school teacher and mama. She has first-hand experience of the power of mindfulness & yoga to calm anxiety & enhance well-being.  She is currently studying to teach mindfulness and hopes to combine this with yoga to help others find balance in their lives.

Find out more at breathecalm.org or follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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