Mindfulness and Loneliness

by Sarah Williams

Everyone gets lonely. At least that’s what I was always told. Family, teachers, guidance counselors and even a therapist shrugged off my wild bouts of depression like they were a normal part of adolescence. And maybe loneliness is normal. Maybe there’s a tiny void inside every human heart that can never quite be filled. But, for me, it always seemed like more than that.

For some people, loneliness will come and go sporadically, never having a detrimental impact on their life. Not everyone is so lucky.

Desolation consumed me during my last year of high school and followed me all the way to university. I can still remember walking back from class, hoping and praying that my roommate wasn’t home. I became so familiar with loneliness that being amongst company felt awkward and uncomfortable. I began disassociating from everything and everyone. I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness. I was too afraid, or maybe even too proud, to open up and actually allow relationships in. I kept wondering: why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?

Finally, after three years of self-doubt, I met someone who seemed to have an answer. She said that I didn’t deserve it to be feeling this way. But maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t simply something that was happening to me. Maybe the root of the problem was how I was relating to myself, other people and the world around me.

At first this made me really mad. I thought she was being insensitive. Did she actually think I wanted to feel this way? Or that I liked being depressed?

Slowly I started to accept that she might have a point. Through my life I’d never given much thought to how my thinking process affected the way I felt. It had never occurred to me that that I might have a choice in terms of the way I responded to thoughts. Stage by stage, in practicing mindfulness, I began to realize that thoughts can be our greatest enemy, but only if we grant them the power to be.
These were the crucial steps for me:

Step 1: You are not your thoughts.

This is one of the first concepts we are introduced to on the mindful path. This is not to deny that thoughts are happening. Only that thoughts are not necessarily facts and that our thoughts do not define us. By gently noticing our thoughts and being curious about them, we begin to differentiate between what is true and what our minds want us to believe is true.
This might take some convincing. It did for me, at least. Whenever my mind was getting the best of me, whether it was bringing me down or making me feel lonely, I learned to be aware of the negative thought patterns before they became overwhelming.

Step 2: Be responsible for your own happiness.

A lot of people who are lonely or depressed have a false assumption that someone or something will make them happy again one day. They believe their loneliness is a result of their external environment and what it lacks.

I was always waiting for Prince Charming. Childish, I know, but I had parents who fell in love very young and were still, for the most part, in love. I had watched countless romantic movies where finding a “soul mate” seemed so easy. Then I grew up and realized it doesn’t always happen like that.

I found myself constantly waiting for that person to arrive. For others, it might be waiting for an event to occur. All the same, you’re setting yourself up to be let down. This disappointment will only deepen your depression especially if you blame yourself for your situation. I did.
I kept wondering, “Why haven’t I found the right guy? What’s wrong with me?”

In a weird way, this mindset helped. You should not resent yourself for your misfortune; however, you do need to mindfully take responsibility for your situation and realize that you are the only person who can change it.

You cannot rely on other people for your happiness. It certainly does help to have positive people surrounding you, but you cannot assume they’ll be there every second of every day. You have to be your own motivator .You have to respect and encourage yourself first.

Step 3: Focus on the NOW.

Over time, mindfulness taught me to see that, for much of my life, my mind had used me rather than the other way around. To my amazement I learned that I actually had a choice. By learning to be more present in my own life I could choose to respond mindfully to thoughts and feelings rather than be constantly at their mercy. I was learning to find space in my life. Space around my thoughts. Space around my feelings. Space around situations. I was now spending more time engaged with the present moment rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

However, I still endured bouts of loneliness. Reconnecting with the outside world remained a big challenge. Talking to people about my feelings was totally new to me and it felt really forced at first. Even laughing felt kind of fake. I was still overanalyzing every move I made, every word I spoke.

Gradually I began to realize that the sense of being in the moment during formal meditation could also be found in social situations. If anxiety arose, I could find the space around it, space in which to breathe, space in which to be, space in which to listen. I learned to stop worrying about what to say next, to stop worrying whether my response was smart or funny enough. I started to trust myself to respond naturally in the moment, rather than react with anxiety.

Step 4: Mindfully ease yourself back into the world.

As I’ve discovered, you can ease yourself out of loneliness by gently easing yourself back into society. The more you do this, the more natural it will all feel. You won’t have to try so hard. You won’t have to concentrate on the present moment because you will become it. And it will become the only moment that is of true importance to you.

Becoming present helped me understand how precious every second is and how important it is to accept, without judgment, whatever is arising in the moment by consciously directing my awareness.

I still experience moments of loneliness, but not like I used to. They are now few and far between. It’s the kind of loneliness people always explained as being normal. It’s the kind that urges me to socialize, to build stronger relationships when I have the chance, to make the most of my time with the people I care about.

I am mindful now, and with this mindfulness, I am in good company. I’m no longer alone.

Sarah Williams is a passionate life coach and a freelance writer at Wingman Magazine.

Find her on Twitter: @SarahAtWingman