Heartbreak: How Mindfulness and Meditation Helped Me Heal

by Desire Klingensmith

For anyone who’s experienced grief, the pain of waking is familiar. Of course, it’s not actually waking up that’s painful, but reality washing over you again. You wake up and your memories blossom one moment later.

My eyes opened onto the walls of my run-down, one bedroom apartment. It was early July. I was turning 19 soon, and yesterday my relationship ended. It wasn’t just a breakup though, it was the defining heartbreak. The first time a relationship wounds you so deeply you change.

The breakup conversation itself was brief and peaceful. We agreed to move forward as friends. Then, he walked out the door and cut off contact with me entirely. I felt shattered. The person who was a constant in my daily life was erased.

I was left with so many questions I couldn’t ask. I would never know his perspective on the relationship, and that made my memories feel thin and fictitious. Like the question of a tree falling: If a tie ends, and one person doesn’t care, were they really ever tied?

I felt I couldn’t forgive him if I couldn’t reach him, tell him. It was like my pain was a weight shackled to me, and the only one with the key was long gone.

My Introduction to Meditation

Months before the relationship began, I bought a few books about meditation. My older friends talked about meditation a lot, and I knew it would help me become a healthier person.

The books themselves blew me away but I could only grasp pieces of the lessons. I meditated, sometimes. Then my relationship started and — like a lot of people — I forgot about my practice. I stopped reading and meditating.

Commitment to Routine

In the first few days after the breakup, I focused on taking care of myself. I couldn’t remember who I was alone, I could only remember relationship me. Sometimes being alone made me panic, so I ran to friends. If I felt a dam of tears building up, I rushed back home to cry alone. This was my cycle.

This pain pushed me to treat myself with absolute compassion. I cared for the grieving part of myself as I would a loved one. I needed someone strong to help me through this, but I lived alone and I didn’t feel very strong. So, in small moments, I became the person I needed. I was there for me.

In one of these moments, I remembered the books. I knew I could gain more now if I read them again. I remembered how grounded meditation made me feel, and in my current state of emotional dizziness, balance was the best goal I could aim for. So I dedicated myself to the practice again.

Reading Again and Mindfulness Meditation

I read one chapter of Shunryu Suzuki’s Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind every morning before work. Immediately afterward, I meditated on it. What could I apply? Did it help me with how I felt towards my ex? Can I apply it to anything today, right now?

These meditations focused on wisdom-searching. In the calm, quiet state of meditation, I felt much more rational. With my emotions quiet, I could see things from a wider perspective.

I meditated again in the evening before bed. The only form of meditation I knew at the time (besides my self-created chapter review version) was mindfulness meditation. The way it was explained to me was: you sit, focus on the breath and let whatever thoughts you have float by. Don’t latch onto any thoughts, or build upon them. Just acknowledge the thought and go back to focusing on the breath. In and out, in and out.

As I was going about my day, thoughts were causing me a lot of pain. I would grab on as one drifted in, and then my thoughts would spiral through the entire library of painful ideas. Mindfulness meditation helped me begin to identify these thoughts and let them go. It was much easier to take one tiny bit of pain than to allow my careless thoughts to drag me through a thousand more.

Podcasts

A few weeks after the breakup, one of my friends turned me on to Noah Levine. He’s the author of a few autobiographical books on Zen Buddhism, and has a meditation centre where they record a podcast called “Against the Stream”. I tried the podcast and found a wealth of information. They have a team of teachers that rotate through, so they offered a variety of views and communication styles.

I began listening to the podcast a lot. I took notes.

They taught a lot of Buddhist principles and forms of meditation. I tried most of them and added one form to my weekly routine.

Loving Kindness Meditation

Learning loving-kindness meditation was the next big step in healing myself. I had to work on forgiving a person who wouldn’t communicate with me. If I waited around, I knew I would carry this baggage for way too long.

I needed to forgive more than my ex though. Being in that low state of mind made me realize how much baggage I was carrying from past connections. It was like my mind was a storage room full of boxes and, after opening all the relationship baggage, I opened all the other boxes without meaning to.

The teacher on “Against the Stream” explained the meditation like this. You sit and think of one of the people you love the most. Pick someone with little or no relationship baggage (if that’s even a thing). Try to visualize that person in front of you, and say:

“For any harm you have caused me, knowing or unknowing, I forgive you.”
“For any harm I have caused you, knowing or unknowing, I ask for forgiveness.”
“May you be free from suffering.”

That’s the easy part. Move through the people you love, increasing in relationship baggage. Then go to the people you like, the ones you’re okay with, and finally to the people you dislike. End with the people you hold grudges against, or feel hatred towards. This is when the practice becomes truly rewarding. Sometimes you’ll need to pause on a person and say the lines a few times until you actually feel like you’ve forgiven them.

Long-Term Practice

After months of dedicated practice, I saw the impact mindfulness was having on my life. I worked in customer service, which often means helping people who are upset. Before, I let difficult moments like these ruin my day, but mindfulness changed that. I knew that, if someone struck out with words, they were expressing their perception. I didn’t take it personally. If a wounded thought drifted through my mind, I saw that it was my ego, and wouldn’t ‘build’ onto it.

It was more than my work life though. I didn’t take things so personally in all my relationships, and that let me have better connections with people. I wasn’t afraid of judgment, so I could express myself.

My emotions were easier to identify as well, through paying attention to my thoughts and actions. I realized I had a problem with choosing to be angry sometimes when I could choose to let it go instead. I started working on that.

Through paying attention to my thoughts, emotions, and decisions, I became more aware of myself. In that way, mindfulness practice allowed me to grow into a happier and healthier person.

I also healed so much from loving-kindness practice. It gave me a way to work out any of my negative feelings towards my ex, and forgive him “to his face” — even if it was just in my mind. The last line, “may you be free from suffering” gave me the power to wish him well, and eventually let go.

Through spending time sitting in loving-kindness meditation, I learned to forgive with ease. Over months of practice, I forgave people I had grudges against and felt lighter for it.

Three Years Healed

My ex showed up to my work 3 years later to apologize. I said, “It’s okay,” thanked him for the apology, and let him know that I forgave him a long time ago. I guess what I really meant was “I’m okay.”

Finally hearing this from him allowed me to let go of the last weighted pebble in my subconscious. Once again, I felt lighter.

Desire Klingensmith is a freelance writer for hire who offers blogging and ghostwriting services. She works with business to create valuable content that improves search engine visibility. Check out her website to learn more.