From Chaos To Calm

By Kathleen Hoyle

 

Over the past couple of years I have been through just about every major life event there is: death of a parent, moving house, changing job and, to top it off, partner of over 10 years leaving. Needless to say, I was feeling some stress and anxiety.

Fortunately, in September of last year, it all settled down.  Unfortunately, the familiar feelings of anxiety and worry would not go away. I had grown used to stress and it was firmly established. My system was flooded with cortisol and my default emotion was set to worry.  I should be happy, I had been through a terrible time but came out the other side with a shiny new life, a loving man, a lovely new house and everything finally going my way. So why was I still feeling this way?  I tried everything to shift the constant feelings of churning stomach and nervousness, from exercise to herbal remedies, but the more I fought the stronger they got.  I was getting more and more stressed. Was I always going to feel this way?  Was this normal?  I didn’t know anymore. I just knew I couldn’t go on like this. It was physically and mentally painful.

In February of this year, after months of fruitless searching, I was listening to Saturday Live on Radio 4 when I heard an interview with Ruby Wax discussing neuroplasticity. My ears pricked up. Was it actually possible to change the way your brain worked?  Could I actually change the way I was feeling?  I ordered Ruby’s book, ‘Sane New World’ and a light came on in my head. This really made sense.  I started doing some of the exercises in her book and enjoyed the brief moments of stillness they gave me.  This might just be the answer I was looking for.

I did an online search and found the Palouse Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course.  I carefully followed the 8 week course and every morning set aside my meditation time which I soon began to look forward to. It was my quiet me-time before the day began.  Sometimes I found my mind would not settle. I would begin to feel frustrated and the familiar feelings of doom and gloom would start to creep back. Slowly but surely I started to understand that I did not have to be a prisoner to these emotions. I could choose to let them flow through.  I started to practice RAIN (Recognise, Accept, Investigate, Non-Identification) and use breathing spaces when I started to feel overwhelmed. Mindfulness was starting to become part of my everyday life.

Once I had completed the Palouse course I wanted to carry on learning so I bought Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.  This helped me to reinforce what I had learnt on the Palouse course and to establish my mindfulness practice.

I began to notice changes after about the third or fourth week of the Palouse course.  First I noticed that the butterfly feeling had gone. I wasn’t aware of when it had happened. There was no sudden moment of enlightenment. After a couple more weeks I started to notice that I was not getting the familiar feelings of dread and I wasn’t jumping at small noises. I was able to cope with the small things which usually overwhelmed me.  I finally began to ‘see’ things again and was not living in my head so much. It felt as though someone had turned the lights back on.

I recently went on holiday and this is when I was able to appreciate how far I had come.  I was a bit anxious before the actual holiday as I had not been abroad for over 5 years and it was my first holiday with my new partner. I had put a lot of pressure on myself for it to be perfect.  I dug deep into my mindfulness but I will admit it was not easy. Thoughts were running away from me and I was worrying about small things again but I carried on practicing my meditations.  On the actual day I drove to the airport with no anxiety. There were traffic queues but I was very calm. We parked, checked in and boarded the flight with no problems.  As I was sitting on the plane I was amazed at how peaceful I was feeling. In the past I had been a very nervous flyer but by not labelling my emotions I was able to let them flow by, I was in the moment, not worrying about might happen, just experiencing the journey.

Once we arrived we had a day at the beach. In the past I would normally find it hard to relax but now I was actually able to lay on the beach and relax without the thoughts of ‘oh, I must be doing something’. I was living in the moment and enjoying the sound of the sea and the warm sun on my skin.  I was allowing myself to just be, without any judgement.

My biggest surprise was not having the feeling of dread about going home. I didn’t waste the week counting down the days. I wasn’t living in the future. I was here and now. This made the week feel so much longer and the last day was not spoilt with thoughts of going home.  For the first time since I was a small child I fully experienced a holiday. The sights, sounds, smells and the food – each moment was mindfully experienced.

I have now reached the point where I feel my mindfulness is now bedded in. I still have down days but I know the feeling will pass. I no longer spiral down into doom and gloom. I am able to allow negative thoughts to arise without getting hooked on them. When positive thoughts come in to my head, I don’t feel the need to hold on tight to them in fear of losing them. I know that they also will pass on but that’s okay.  I feel centred and calm at last and less reactionary.

Mindfulness is now part of my daily routine like brushing my teeth and exercise.  I do a mindfulness meditation session every morning and throughout the day I have smaller mindfulness moments. Every now and then I take a moment to do a quick body scan or a couple of minutes to focus on my breath.  I like to fill my day with mindfulness whenever I can, when I’m having a bath or doing the vacuuming.  During my lunch break I take a half hour walk and really focus on my surroundings, the sounds and smells. It really sets me up for the rest of the day.  Mindfulness doesn’t have to be about hour- long sitting sessions, it can be done any time, anywhere.

Mindfulness won’t bring you instant results. It isn’t a quick fix and there is no end goal. It is a continuing, lifetime practice.  If you worry about perfecting meditation or doing things right, you will just end up frustrated.  Every session is different. Sometimes it is easy. Sometimes the mind is busy. Just acknowledge what is going on without judgement and bring the focus back to the breath.  I didn’t notice the positive effects straight away and I did get frustrated at times but after a while I started to notice small changes, I wasn’t even aware when they had happened, it was very subtle.

I know everyone is different and we all have differing results and experiences but I hope this shows that keeping up daily practice does yield results.  I wish you all the best in your mindfulness journey.

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