Mindfulness and relationship crisis

[lundym]

Hi

[edited for privacy reasons]
with renewed thanks to Jon.

[JonW]

Hi lundym,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time.
All I can offer is my own opinion on your situation. Other members of the forum may have entirely different views.
Amongst many other benefits, regular mindfulness practice can help us relate differently to our thoughts (allowing thoughts to come and go without getting so attached to them, for example) and, perhaps as a consequence, connect with our feelings more intimately and honestly. And so, practicing mindfulness could well be very helpful to us if, say, a relationship was going through a troubled time and we were overwhelmed by conflicting thoughts and feelings. Meditation may well help us to feel more centred and so more able to make decisions about how to move forward from a calmer, more rational place.
However, what you describe is a sense of lack in your relationship that goes back a long way. That's very different from the kind of bump in the road that all relationships go through from time to time and that can normally be worked through.
You ask whether mindfulness can help you decide whether or not this love has come to an end and something tells me that you already know the answer to that. Sometimes the answer lies purely and simply in the gut. And, from what you have written, you know what your gut has been telling you for a long, long time.
As to your partner's intentions, I again get the sense that you know the truth of that when you write about it occurring to you that your partner was - probably unconsciously - trying to obtain a result that they desire - wanting the relationship to continue. That may or may not be a case of gaslighting. It might simply be that your partner is willing to try anything to save the relationship.
It's true, of course, that all thoughts and feelings are impermanent. But, again, the same doubts seem to have been nagging away at you for a long, long time. For the life of me, I can't imagine that practicing mindfulness is going to magically sweep them away. If we've felt a certain way for many years, consistently, I can't see how those feelings can be dismissed as 'parasite' emotions. Nor can I see how mindfulness can 'solve' them. Clearly, this is how you feel. You've lived with those feelings long enough to know them intimately. You don't need mindfulness to establish the truth or otherwise of them.
For me, the most telling lines of your post are the following: 'But I feel that our relationship has mostly evolved into a practical domestic and co-parenting arrangement, and that there is an empty space where emotional intimacy and connection should be.'
To me, those lines sing out with truth. 100%. I can't see any way around that.
In closing, I just want to say that, while mindfulness practice could be enormously beneficial for you as you move forward in your life, it seems to me that mindfulness, despite what your partner thinks, is not going to save your relationship.
I hope this is of some help. And, again, it is only my opinion based on what you have shared here.
I wish you well for the future.
All good things,
Jon

[lundym]

Dear Jon,

many, many thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed and, I believe, heartfelt answer. It is certainly helpful.

And many thanks for your kind support.

L

[JonW]

My pleasure, lundym.
Wishing you all the best for the future,
Jon