In a frenzy

[PappinAce]

Hello all,

Yesterday I reached a short-lived turning point in my life. Just for a bit of background: I grew up in a well-off family in the United States and fell into the typical type of illness that can best be described as "affluenza", characterized by feverish narcissism, lack of self-awareness and empathy for others, and compulsive pleasure-seeking. This is how I was for the majority of my 31 years on the earth.

Just this week I had a breakdown and realized that I can't live like this anymore. In an attempt to 'take spirituality by storm' I abstained from sense pleasures. I fasted between Saturday and Thursday (I ate only breakfast three times, and the other three days I ate nothing at all) and also stopped masturbating (an addiction that I had been afflicted by for the past nine years). Throughout this time I was able to meditate a bit while sitting on the park benches of the suburb where I live. It's a struggle but I was able to follow my breath until about a count of thirty, and I felt marginally better.

Yesterday morning I still felt horrible, 'rolling around within myself' as Sadghuru puts it, grasping at my telephone to switch on music and films that reminded me of childhood, etc. Then, just before leaving for pick-up soccer, on my nearly-empty stomach I drank an espresso, and things suddenly cleared up and calmed down. I felt what I can only describe as my 'background self', the one who watches thoughts but does not run with them. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but it felt like the beginnings of the sensation that I get when I take MDMA. Now, the few times I've taken this drug I've been aware of the thought 'if I can't be like this at every moment, life is not worth it'. I honestly believe that the ecstatic state of consciousness is the state of being that any living creature can and should be in; only it's taken away from us by all the chatter and nonsense of modern 'civilization'. The dawning realization that sense pleasures can not come close to this is what helped me realize that I need to become meditative, and take control of the chemistry that my brain is producing.

Unfortunately, as I drank the coffee yesterday and felt myself entering into this ecstatic state, I somehow got excited and 'slipped' mentally, and since then my frenzied state has been ramped up. I had horrible and senseless nightmares last night. I am beating myself up because after all that abstinence that I put myself through last week, I wasn't present enough to stay in the moment when the reward finally came. Now I'm in a state of despair that it won't come back. I tried meditating but I can't sit for even ten seconds. I can't smooth rough waters with a flat iron.

Basically I would like to ask, how does one recover from the frustration of losing mindfulness in the most beautiful moment? Am I on the right path; can I truly achieve an ecstatic state of consciousness through meditation? Should I not have been using caffeine as a crutch for focusing in the first place?

[JonW]

Hi PappinAce,
Mindfulness has nothing to do with striving to attain a particular state, ecstatic or otherwise.
It's about being being open to and accepting of all experience - pleasant, unpleasant, indifferent - as it arises in the moment.
If you are interested in mindfulness, try reading some Jon Kabat-Zinn books and take it from there. Or better still, seek out a qualified mindfulness teacher in your area.
Best wishes,
Jon

[Peter]

I agree with, Jon.

Wanting a certain outcome (eg ecstatic state) means you're fighting or resisting what is. You'd better surrender to what is in awareness. We've a lot less control than we like to think. This is a very important lesson.

[JonW]

Agreeing with Peter here.
A couple of other points...
Where does the idea of taking 'spirituality by storm' come from? Meditation isn't necessarily a 'spiritual' practice, although it can be. Either way, the process is a gentle one, calling for patience and self-compassion at every turn. It's not an assault course. Nothing needs to be taken 'by storm'.
Also, you write that "I felt what I can only describe as my 'background self', the one who watches thoughts but does not run with them. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but it felt like the beginnings of the sensation that I get when I take MDMA."
Mindfulness has got absolutely nothing to do with recreating drug-induced states.
It sounds to me that you are in pursuit of some kind of intense experience here. Mindfulness practice is not about pursuing those kind of goals.
A definition. Teacher/writer Christina Feldman defines mindfulness as, ‘the willingness and capacity to be equally present with all events and experiences with discernment, curiosity and kindness.’
Simply put, mindfulness is about awareness. The capacity to be with your experience, non-judgmentally, as it unfolds.
If that sounds like the kind of thing you would like to pursue, we will happily answer any questions you have here on the forum.
Do take care of yourself.
All best wishes,
Jon