What would you do?

[witnessingpresence]

Greetings,

First post here.

I'm seeking advice from mindful individuals on a persistent issue which has caused and continues to bring unease into the lives of myself and now fiance.

The bottom line is that my fiance cannot stand my brother's girlfriend and it is now to the point where she does not want the girl in our home, at our wedding, or at other events that we host outside of our home. The reason being that my brother's girlfriend (let's refer to her as BGF moving forward, to make it easier) can be perceived as rude and disrespectful, and regularly gossips, and my fiance believes she is a negative person that she does not want to be around. I don't believe she behaves this way intentionally, but regardless of her intention, my fiance takes offense to her words and attitude at virtually any meeting (family gatherings, etc.).

The latest example was at a recent get together where we announced our engagement. BGF's response was something along the lines of "Finally, it's about time". She first said this to me off to the side, and although I was aware that this could be rudeness, I did not pay it much mind, let it go, and moved on with other conversations and activities. However, my fiance reported that when BGF said the same thing to her just a little while later, she began to correct her, but BGF immediately started to explain away what she really meant. Later, my fiance questioned why I did not confront her when she made the statement to me. My response was that I noticed what she said, but it did not really bother me enough to say anything, which has been my position historically as well. However, my fiance insists that I should have known that it would be a problem to her, since she had already predicted BGF's comment before the gathering even took place, and that I therefore should have confronted and corrected her before she had the chance to say it to my fiance.

Past examples include talking down to people, including her boyfriend, my brother, and gossiping/talking negatively about people who are not present to defend themselves, etc.

This situation is difficult for me because 1) I don't want to have to tell my brother that his girlfriend is not welcome in our home or at our wedding. 2) although I notice behavior patterns that I do not agree with, they do not bother me to the same extent that they bother my fiance, so I am able to ignore/tolerate her presence while my fiance cannot. 3) neither myself nor my fiance have ever told BGF in clear, direct language, that when she makes certain comments or gossips about people in our presence it makes us (mostly my fiance, but we should be unified, right?) uncomfortable and question whether she would talk about us negatively behind our backs as well. So, I feel that we have not made her aware of the significance of her actions or given a true chance to redeem herself.

Just to be clear, my fiance is able to get along with BGF at family gatherings etc and realizes that we cannot control her presence in such settings. The issue here is that in settings that we can control, she does not want her invited or welcomed. This includes in our home for get-togethers and dinners, at our future wedding (date tbd) at non-family events that we may plan outside of the home (bowling nights with friends, etc). The reason being that my fiance insists on having a peaceful home, and BGF's presence disrupts that peace for her.

There is a lot that goes into this, for example she comes from an only-child background where her input was valued by her parents and she was able to control who was allowed in her home, compared to me being the oldest of 3 siblings with unstable households and no control of who was and was not welcome in my homes. She is more comfortable with confrontation and assertiveness, while I am a recovering people pleaser, more passive, and working on assertiveness. For these reasons and others, my fiance is more inclined to cutting people off, while I tend to forgive easier and give multiple chances, even if people may not deserve them.

It is also important to note that BGF is not the only person my fiance has this issue with. She has similar complaints when it comes to her own grandmother, cousins, aunts, etc. and has no interest in having close relationships with them, getting to know them better, inviting them to our home, etc.

I'm really struggling with this because I don't know what is right in this situation. If I was on my own I would continue to tolerate/accept/ignore any perceived negativity from BGF and welcome her into my home as the loved partner of my brother, and do my best to maintain a positive energy field and try to influence them positively. But that is not how my fiance operates, and her hard line is requiring confrontation. On the other hand, I don't want my fiance to feel that I am against her, and moreso, I don't want her peace to be compromised.

I feel there is more complexity than I have already provided and certainly other variables at play, but I tend to over-think/analyze so let's just start here....any thoughts?

Please come with sincerity.

Thank you.

[BronteFan]

Hello!

Welcome!

I realise that you're in an awkward position but from what you've said it's not just your bride-to-be who has problems with this person & this person appears to have traits she doesn't realise annoys others so I think the easiest way to solve this problem is to take this person to 1 side & explain that when she says & does certain things it makes some people feel uncomfortable. Then give this person a chance to chew over what you've said while talking to your bride-to-be about meeting this person to talk things out. Arrange a meeting where you'll be present but not interfering unless things get out of hand so they can talk things through preferably before the wedding.

I hope all goes well for you.

[JonW]

Phew.
This is a tricky one.
If I was you, I'd probably have a quiet word with my brother - explaining that his GF rubs my fiancée up the wrong way and that I'm not sure what to do about it. At least this way, it's out in the open and up for discussion. Though I appreciate that this wouldn't necessarily be an easy discussion to have.
Then again...
I do find it interesting that your fiancee is able to get along with BGF at family gatherings and much less so in environments where she is more 'in control'. I'd be inclined to wonder why it's possible for the fiancee to tolerate BGF in one situation and not another.
From a mindfulness point of view, the focus might turn to your fiancee. What is it about BGF that triggers her so? The example you have cited seems fairly innocuous. "Finally, it's about time" doesn't sound rude or obnoxious to me, suggesting more a certain kind of social awkwardness on BGF's part. If your fiancee was the kind of person who was able to have an open, honest conversation about this, I'd suggest to her that might be more mindful when in the company of BGF, noticing when she is triggered, and perhaps learn to let go of her annoyance. After all, extended families are complex. In all families, there are probably people we don't get along with awfully well. But we learn to tolerate them and not get wound up by them. And, in a sense, BGF is family.
I'd be interested to hear how this develops. It's an interesting one.
I wish you well.
Cheers,
Jon

[Orao_22]

Yes, it's definitely a tricky part. Telling your brother will be one hell of a task since it'd be quite easy to rub HIM the wrong way by saying something negative about his girlfriend. Household diplomacy is always fun!

You could say that she's making people uncomfortable with the gossiping; just attacking one part of the problem could soften the blow while still having the same effect as going all out. Plus, gossiping is quite widely frowned upon, so it's less likely to sound as a personal attack against her. Basically, the point of all of this isn't to single her out or have her leave your brother (or the other way around), but to make it so that she doesn't offend people around. You could try telling your brother she'd be more welcomed feel better among your family, that it would make things better if she toned the gossiping down since people are afraid to be the topic of her gossiping as things are now, and would be more inclined to talk to her if she stopped.

[JonW]

'You could say that she's making people uncomfortable with the gossiping; just attacking one part of the problem could soften the blow while still having the same effect as going all out.'

Very good. An excellent suggestion.

[Orao_22]

I've found that it does help sometimes... When you live in a large family with lots of conflict-prone members, you need to adapt to this kind of practices or you won't survive!