Update and major breakthrough.
For the last 12 months, along with meditation I have also been continually reading to broaden the scope of my understanding. Many authors and teachers in these books have mentioned that when faced with a difficult emotion, in my case depression, you need to invite it in, not push it away. Well I have discovered there is a huge difference in reading about it, mentally understanding it and truly experiencing it.
I sat down to practice a couple of weeks ago and normally I do a few routines to get into the zone, e.g. focus on sounds, body, then narrow to breathing. My intent for the session was to follow the breath lightly and allow feelings to rise up in awareness. On this day, I could not even get into the prep stage 1 without overwhelming sadness and depression coming up. I tried to push the depression away / let it be, until I could at least get settled. But no, it was not going to have any of it and I thought that if the feeling of depression is so eager to be here, I will just let it be with me and sit with it.
So my depressed feeling and I are sitting there, eyes closed. Even though numerous times in the past I had looked for where it appears in the body, I remembered Kornfield's suggestions and took another approach; looking for associated thoughts. There were none, so I pushed myself just to come up with any thoughts, just to blurt them out, anything that occurred, brain-storming in a way The thoughts I raised were:-
-I am useless
-I hate myself
-I hate life
-I dont want to be here
etc
I thought this was strange as I don't consciously think those thoughts so maybe I making this up.
Major breakthrough 
1) It occurred that if I could never find a reason for my depression and there were no conscious thoughts, the feeling must be coming from a deep and forgotten subconscious level.
2) As it is not in consciousness there is absolutely no point trying to think about depression logically
3) the difficult emotion is not an alien wondering thought/feeling that will come and go
4) the emotion is me (or at least a deep hidden part of me)
With this realisation I saw the depressed feeling as almost like a young child, part of me, deep down that just wanted to be acknowledged and comforted. It didn't want to be analysed and it didn't want to be ignored or pushed away. Just like an injured, unhappy child, I invited it to come and sit with me whenever it wants and, as part of me, I felt a huge amount of love and compassion towards this hidden part of my mind and myself.
I then started laughing out loud, at the breakthrough and clarity of it all. Thoughts of I am just making this up popped up. I laughed out loud again realising this was just another part of me, the harsh critical part. I invited it to hang around too.
We all sat together and when it was time to get up, I asked them all to come back whenever they were in pain. When I rose I had a completely different relation to the feeling. I actually wanted the depression to come back and visit again so I could comfort it some more. Two weeks pass and nothing much has come back. I have had since then light feelings it is there, both when I sit and when awake. I just ask it to join me.
Then a few days later I happened to come across the Mind Model and it detailed how unconscious sub-minds work, pretty much as I had experienced. I was very glad I discovered this myself instead of trying to work to a written model; it makes it more real for me. In my loving-kindness practice I now say "may
we be happy" (my subminds and me)
Since then I have read some more interesting stuff. Apparently, one knows when one has truly accepted and let go of a difficult emotion/feeling and that is when it makes no difference to you if it is there or not. Wanting it not to be there, means it has not fully been let go and that more work may be needed. I
think I now pass this rule of thumb test with depression. It has taken me 6 months of working with the feeling to get to this point.
After 35 years of depression I am under no illusions that it will not come back. But so far, it has come back very mildy and I have welcome it. Only the future will tell if it stays that way.
After my experience the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, come back to me as being so true. Reading them is one thing, understanding another however experiencing it in a medatitive practice is mind-blowing. We really do need to drop everything and cradle our difficulties, like one would cradle, love and comfort a baby.
