Some frustrations & questions

[1Daveatatime]

Hi,

I've been practicing mindfulness meditation based on Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living" and guided MP3s now for over a month. I've been very diligent in doing formal meditations every day. And I've been attempting to bring mindfulness into my daily living as much as possible. There have been moments in which I've felt amazed at the revelations I've had - things like understanding that awareness is a real thing within me, a thing on its own that I was previously unconscious of. And there have been moments where I HAVE felt truly present within the meditations. But those seem to be much more fleeting than not.

I guess I feel frustrated (tonight, at least - and other times), because I don't really feel like I've made much progress. And, really, that I don't FEEL good, emotionally. I realize that therein lies at least some of the problem - I'm supposed to cultivate non-striving. But I searched and found meditation because, yes, I want to become less miserable. And it's confusing when all the books, articles, website, etc that promote (for lack of a better word) a mindful practice basically say "If you just do this and don't strive to be happy, you'll become happy (or content, or less anxious, or more confident...)."

JKZ even talks about this paradox in the book, but I am, apparently, having difficulty with the concept.

Toward the end of the guided meditations, JKZ says things like, "experience your essential completeness," (which sometimes I kind of have, actually), or "intuitively knowing who you are." But I just don't have that knowing at all, and it leaves me feeling deeply sad some of the time.

I have days, or parts of days, where I just cannot seem to shake my cranky, angry, negative-world-view thoughts and feelings. This has been a theme all my life. I now TRY to bring awareness to those thoughts and emotions. Some of the time I get confused as to whether I'm just thinking about bringing awareness, or if I'm really being mindful of them. And I'm left in this weird loop, where I'll be thinking to myself, "am I doing it? How about now?"

More of me does believe in mindfulness than doesn't. I'm just afraid that I'll let it slip away in place of distracting my life away in unhealthy and unsatisfying ways, like I had always done before.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm sorry this was so long.

[JonW]

Hi Dave,
Welcome to the forum.
It sounds to me like you're doing just fine. It usually takes more than a month for the practice to become grounded. If you're having moments when you've been amazed by the revelations, then mindfulness is working for you. Keep at it. Try not to question whether you're doing it right or if you're making the right kind of progress. Just keep practicing.
Meanwhile, do stick around here. We're a friendly bunch and will always do our best to answer any questions. Fire away.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Matt Y]

Hi Dave,

A wise teacher I know calls meditation the 1% solution and compares it to aging. He points out that we tend not to notice that we're aging (on a daily basis), but no doubt we are! Progress with mindfulness is similar. You may not notice much of a difference from day to day, but over 6 or 12 or 18 months I'm pretty confident you will.

I've found that it's also useful to compare the process of learning to be mindful — and to manage your emotions — with learning to walk. That's a skill that takes most of us at least a year or two to master. What's most telling is that as infants we don't berate ourselves for our failure to complete the task in a week! We crawl around happily, bumping into things and falling over for months on end. We have a process — rather than goal — orientation and we don't get pessimistic or disappointed when we seem to be going nowhere (or backwards). Of course, it is okay to be pessimistic and disappointed with our seeming lack of progress (we're not infants anymore afterall), however, we can take something from the attitude of profound acceptance modelled by infants learning to walk.

I listened to a great podcast this morning, in which Noah Levine, (a Buddhist Teacher who had a very turbulent adolescence (drugs, crime etc.) talks about his progress on the path. It might be worth a listen: http://www.soundstrue.com/weeklywisdom/index.php?source=podcast&p=9877&category=IATE&version=full&loc=directaccess

Matt.

[Gareth]

I guess I feel frustrated (tonight, at least - and other times), because I don't really feel like I've made much progress. And, really, that I don't FEEL good, emotionally.

Sometimes I don't feel good emotionally either. This is life, and you'll probably never going to get to a stage where negative thoughts and emotions don't occur.

This is the problem with mindfulness being touted as some kind of cure-all. I can understand your frustation, reading all the positive hype surrounding it and not feeling the way that you think you ought to.

I'll just re-iterate what the others have said in that mindfulness is a process, not something to aim for.

Keep practising and keep coming back with any questions you have.

[JonW]

"I'll just re-iterate what the others have said in that mindfulness is a process not something to aim for."
My thoughts exactly.
It's quite natural to come to mindfulness with specific goals such as wanting to feel less anxious etc. As the practice beds down, those goals tend to drop away. We come to see that the benefits begin to accrue when we're simply allowing ourselves to be rather than striving for something else. When mindfulness itself becomes another form of striving, it becomes self-defeating.
Patience. Self-compassion. Practice.
Those are the keys.
Cheers,
Jon

[piedwagtail91]

can't add to what jon and gareth have said.
if you're meditating to try to feel different and change things , it will lead to disappointment, it doesn't work that way, though sometimes you will feel better, sometimes you'll feel no different, sometimes you might feel worse.
mindfulness can help change the way you perceive things, other than that it won't change things that happen around you or in your life.
it can help you relate to them differently so that they don't carry the same weight or sting.
it does take quite a while for change to happen. someone once said to me that in a way you're rewiring your brain.
it does take time, just as matt y said, it's like learning to walk, except there is a goal in learning to walk. in mindfulness there isn't.
a JKZ quote:
“Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

[SheilaB]

Hi Dave,

I couldn't agree more with what's already been said - it does take time and part of the practice I think is learning to be patient & gentle with ourselves. I used to get incredibly frustrated in the early days, especially as I had a history of trying the 'quick fixes' that promise instant results. I came to learn in my own experience that practising mindfulness doesn't take away our difficult thoughts and feelings, instead we learn to respond to them differently. I see it as learning to be content, just as we are - warts & all.

I think self-compassion was already mentioned. Some writers & teachers marry self-compassion with mindfulness more than others. I found that adding self-compassion into my mindfulness practice helped enormously when my old habitual 'negative stories' started playing in my mind. Some books I often recommend to clients are Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, and Mark Williams' Finding Peace in a Frantic World (for the meditations on Exploring Difficulty and Befriending).

Wishing you courage as you continue on your journey,
Sheila

[piedwagtail91]

I can second Kristin neff. She has a great book out and some good free meditation downloads. like sheilab I blend my mindfulness with a lot of self commission
mick

[1Daveatatime]

Hey, thanks everyone for your replies. It really is helpful to feel supported in this by people who have been doing for a while what I'm so new at.

It does make sense that learning to just 'be' is going to take a while since I've never, ever even attempted to do just that.

It occurred to me today that at the beginning of getting sober, a lot of the time I felt as if it would be impossible to stay that way, because It was too uncomfortable. Now it feels natural, and drinking/drugging are only fleeting thoughts with very little weight. So, perhaps the thoughts I am sometimes having about mindfulness - that my emotions are too turbulent to ever accept or be with them - could follow a similar path and diminish into acceptance and learning to be comfortable with simply being.

Thanks, again, for all the encouragement.

Dave

Matt, I have bookmarked that Noah Levine podcast - will definitely give it a listen.

Sheila and Mick, I'll check out Kristen Neff, and had already planned on reading some Mark Williams based on things I've read in other threads in these forums. I gotta get through Full Catastrophe Living first. It's HUGE. But I'm enjoying it, and going back to reread certain parts several times.

[OliDoyle]

Hi Dave,

so much already written, I hope this adds something...

I have found it helpful to focus on shifting from thinking to experiencing, moving from contemplating, analysing, judging life to fully experiencing it.

So when I practise breath awareness, I know that if I'm focussed on thoughts like 'am I aware?' 'Am I doing it right?' etc., then I'm off the mark. If I can FEEL this breath, I'm on the money.

I find this really simplifies practise, because if I'm thinking about it, that's not it, and if I am completely focussed on this breath, I know I'm present.

It took a while to realise this, and I remember the stage your describing. Keep at it!

Cheers,
Oli