It's interesting isn't it, how putting ourselves first comes first but brings up so much other stuff. I wonder if Rick Hanson knew what he was getting us all into!
I agree on the compromise front and this week has been a revelation for me, because I've realised that I've been telling myself that I compromise, but in reality I actually trash my own needs to protect others from feeling hurt pretty much all the time (when it comes to family of origin that is). So it was an experiment in being more empowered being my own friend ahead of protecting someone who hurt me. I haven't heard their response yet, and likely it will also be swept under the carpet, but I feel empowered having been my own friend for a change today. :0)
Betty
Just One Thing - change your brain by the way you use it
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betty.etal
- Posts: 40
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Metaphysical Me
- Posts: 169
betty.etal wrote: So it was an experiment in being more empowered being my own friend ahead of protecting someone who hurt me. I haven't heard their response yet, and likely it will also be swept under the carpet, but I feel empowered having been my own friend for a change today. :0)
Betty
Brilliant!
I've been practising formal meditation for 15 years.
*~*~*~* I love keeping beginner's mind. *~*~*~*
Not a fan of mindfulness being taken tooo seriously.
*~*~*~* I love keeping beginner's mind. *~*~*~*
Not a fan of mindfulness being taken tooo seriously.
My experience this week has had a different focus. The part of the text that stood out to me was the description of being "too slow about doing things ... to make your life better" and knowing you should do something for your own benefit, but not doing it. It manifests in my life as procrastination, clutter, disorganization -- things for which I often criticize myself. I can't say I've made much progress toward change yet, but I have tried to keep "being for myself" in the front of my mind. I did finally add a small amount of meditation time (only 5 minutes) to my weekday morning routine. I also started The Artist's Way this week. I think it will work well with Just One Thing. Still a long way to go, but it's a start.
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MaggieMckernon
- Posts: 13
Metaphysical Me wrote:So, staying with the rellies (in-laws) over X-mas, I had some interesting opportunities to practise JOT's Week 1 task - being "for" myself...
As background info, let me just say that the in-laws were all behaving like lunatics - it was like being stuck inside a Monty Python film... (but less fun than that makes it sound!)
One really interesting thing I noticed about "being for yourself" is that you can actually get quite a bit of backlash! I've gotten on really well with my in-laws so far (I've known them 12 years now), I've always had a reputation there as being "so nice". Mainly, I'd say, from *not* being on my own side enough.
While I've always jokingly warned them that "Nope, I'm not actually as NICE as you think, haha!!" I don't think they really believed me.
Bizarrely, on this visit, when I stood up for myself (which didn't really involve any "bad" behaviour) I was made to understand that that was "NOT NICE" of me.
It made me realise that by "being for ourselves" or "being ourselves" it can sort of separate the wheat from the chaff, as far as the people around us goes.
It was certainly an eye-opener to my in-laws, to see me not taking their usual lunacy, without complaining.
And it was definitely an eye-opener for me too, to see how thin the veneer of social niceness is and how it can be based firmly on the demand that everyone be un-authentic and fakey.
Just thought I'd share this, because it surprised me that JOT's Week 1 task of being for ourselves - which sounds so "positive" - can potentially also have some firey backlash...
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MaggieMckernon
- Posts: 13
Metaphysical Me wrote:So, staying with the rellies (in-laws) over X-mas, I had some interesting opportunities to practise JOT's Week 1 task - being "for" myself...
As background info, let me just say that the in-laws were all behaving like lunatics - it was like being stuck inside a Monty Python film... (but less fun than that makes it sound!)
One really interesting thing I noticed about "being for yourself" is that you can actually get quite a bit of backlash! I've gotten on really well with my in-laws so far (I've known them 12 years now), I've always had a reputation there as being "so nice". Mainly, I'd say, from *not* being on my own side enough.
While I've always jokingly warned them that "Nope, I'm not actually as NICE as you think, haha!!" I don't think they really believed me.
Bizarrely, on this visit, when I stood up for myself (which didn't really involve any "bad" behaviour) I was made to understand that that was "NOT NICE" of me.
It made me realise that by "being for ourselves" or "being ourselves" it can sort of separate the wheat from the chaff, as far as the people around us goes.
It was certainly an eye-opener to my in-laws, to see me not taking their usual lunacy, without complaining.
And it was definitely an eye-opener for me too, to see how thin the veneer of social niceness is and how it can be based firmly on the demand that everyone be un-authentic and fakey.
Just thought I'd share this, because it surprised me that JOT's Week 1 task of being for ourselves - which sounds so "positive" - can potentially also have some firey backlash...
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MaggieMckernon
- Posts: 13
yes I have had some social reverberations too. However I am noticing how clumsy I am at this, the mindful way I believe is skillful, and like any practice the first time you use it, it is a dogs dinner, but it gets more smooth and skilful I would think as you feel comfortable with it in your own mind.
I am thinking now I will try and remember it is not a competition, I against them and I will strive for the rest of the week to skillfully hold my own value while recognizing others with kindness.
Then again, perhaps for the moment I will just try holding onto the idea internally and get fine with that before venturing into how that works in relation to others.
Yep I think that's what to do, just get strong and comfortable with that idea in myself and work later on how that impacts impersonally.
I am thinking now I will try and remember it is not a competition, I against them and I will strive for the rest of the week to skillfully hold my own value while recognizing others with kindness.
Then again, perhaps for the moment I will just try holding onto the idea internally and get fine with that before venturing into how that works in relation to others.
Yep I think that's what to do, just get strong and comfortable with that idea in myself and work later on how that impacts impersonally.
I share Lynn's experience:
"My experience this week has had a different focus. The part of the text that stood out to me was the description of being "too slow about doing things ... to make your life better" and knowing you should do something for your own benefit, but not doing it. It manifests in my life as procrastination, clutter, disorganization -- things for which I often criticize myself"
It's far too easy to relax, read or whatever than getting on with important things which are less pleasant to do but have significant long term benefits. I find it useful to imagine what a best friend would urge me to do and then realise that I should be my own best friend.
Steve
"My experience this week has had a different focus. The part of the text that stood out to me was the description of being "too slow about doing things ... to make your life better" and knowing you should do something for your own benefit, but not doing it. It manifests in my life as procrastination, clutter, disorganization -- things for which I often criticize myself"
It's far too easy to relax, read or whatever than getting on with important things which are less pleasant to do but have significant long term benefits. I find it useful to imagine what a best friend would urge me to do and then realise that I should be my own best friend.
Steve
Yes, I'd had a similar reflection to Maggie; I think an important step is to "Be mindful of what it feels like in your body to be on your own side. Open to and encourage that feeling as much as possible. Notice any resistance to it and try to let it go." For me, in my fledgling journey into authenticity, this has been new territory (I'm just a few months in). Little by little, this stuff is becoming easier for me; I'm told (!) there will come a stage when it's the norm...
Vicky
Vicky
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JonW
- Team Member
- Posts: 2897
- Practice Mindfulness Since: 08 Dec 2012
- Location: In a field, somewhere
"I am thinking now I will try and remember it is not a competition, I against them and I will strive for the rest of the week to skillfully hold my own value while recognizing others with kindness."
It really isn't a competition. One of the potential problems with mindfulness, particularly when we first take it up, is that it can become yet another way to judge ourselves. We might find ourselves rating our meditation practice - eg. Was that as good as yesterday? Or we might start fretting about how mindful we're being throughout the day. "Am I doing it properly?" is a fairly common question.
We can let all that go. We're not in competition - either with others or with ourselves. Rather than using mindfulness as yet another way of striving in our lives, maybe we can relax into the practice so that each moment is an invitation to be mindful.
Nobody can be mindful every moment of every day. There will be busy times (at work, when coping with our children, dealing with domestic chores etc.) when we will be on autopilot. But even within our most stressful moments, there's an invitation to pause, check in on ourselves, be aware of our hectic thought processes, how our bodies are reacting to this stress. It's all a gentle invitation. There are no goals.
It really isn't a competition. One of the potential problems with mindfulness, particularly when we first take it up, is that it can become yet another way to judge ourselves. We might find ourselves rating our meditation practice - eg. Was that as good as yesterday? Or we might start fretting about how mindful we're being throughout the day. "Am I doing it properly?" is a fairly common question.
We can let all that go. We're not in competition - either with others or with ourselves. Rather than using mindfulness as yet another way of striving in our lives, maybe we can relax into the practice so that each moment is an invitation to be mindful.
Nobody can be mindful every moment of every day. There will be busy times (at work, when coping with our children, dealing with domestic chores etc.) when we will be on autopilot. But even within our most stressful moments, there's an invitation to pause, check in on ourselves, be aware of our hectic thought processes, how our bodies are reacting to this stress. It's all a gentle invitation. There are no goals.
Jon leads the Everyday Mindfulness group meditation on Zoom every Monday/Friday, 6pm London-time. FREE.
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