How to Train an Elephant (book)

[Steve]

Hi Fee

I've been trying to give others my full attention - sometimes hard when you want to jump in and suggest something or when you try you think what you are going to say in reply rather than listening properly. One way of trying to avoid the latter is to use the technique of saying what you understand the other person has said to you. I found it easier to consciously stay quiet until the other person had finished and to look at them and make eye contact. People do Like being listened to!

This week sound fabulous - stopping and being aware of things to appreciate. I was outside this morning and its one of those days when the air is still (no wind) and all seems calm and peaceful. It made me realise that this is (sometimes) how I feel after a meditation and is also the calm, peaceful, content feeling that I'd like to carry with me inside whatever is going on outside.

Steve

[FeeHutch]

Hello Steve, I hope you are well
This weeks task of appreciating my life has been mostly lovely and very life affirming. It has been harder in moments of pain, frustration and seeming defeat but those are also the moments I have needed it the most.

It has reminded me so many times of the quote 'if you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong.' I've found it really helpful to encourage myself to be specific in my gratitude, rather than say 'I'm so grateful for my friends' say 'I am grateful that my friend's have all decided to help me buy a crutch. That will hopefully help limit the falls and makes me feel really cared for and supported.' I have tried to carry the earlier task of ending the day noting 5 things to be grateful for with me since that task.

So, week 40! The exercise is to bring attention to signs of aging in ourselves, others, animals, plants and inanimate objects. This throws up two thoughts straight away for me. The first is the way we culturally shy away from aging. In other cultures age is seen as being worthy of respect. Birthdays are seemingly dreaded and some invest in all manner of lotions and potions to try and halt time. These days I love birthdays, I think it is brilliant to reach another milestone.

The second thought is my love of urban exploration. I can spend hours pouring over pictures taken in abandoned buildings, I find the slow decay documented over time fascinating. Plus autumn is definitely here so there is a lot of evidence of aging and death in nature. It is one of my favourite times of year, perhaps because in nature we expect renewal in the spring. The book refers to how giving our attention to the same cycle in our lives can feel overwhelming. I don't find it to be so anymore but I love this weeks final thought:

Resting in this moment, we have no age.

[Steve]

Fee

You're right noticing things to appreciate or be thankful for is uplifting - it really helps counteract the mind's normal mode of looking for negative things/threats etc.

A saying that kept returning to me this week was also: "You can always find a problem with anything but you can always find an opportunity instead" - its back to whether we choose to have a positive attitude or let negativity run its usual course.

I've noticed lots of 'simple pleasures' - fresh air, sunshine, cloud formations, birdsong, smiles, kindness, moments of peace and calmness as well as some larger ones - being proud of my children as they grow into adults, being healthy, good food and drink etc.

This week: Signs of ageing has set me thinking - what do we mean? We often associate this with becoming weaker, less fit, less attractive etc but why? Everyone/thing ages at the same rate, we are all at different phases in different cycles, 'ageing' is just a natural progression. Everything changes all the time, whether slowly or quickly, sometimes growing, sometimes waning. Many things improve with age: experience, knowledge, skills, wisdom, equanimity and he ability to step back and appreciate life. I'm going to try to look at it positively!

I also very much like the timelessness that can arise in meditation - a glimpse of an infinite and peaceful state.

Steve

[FeeHutch]

OK so this week was ageing. I noticed the change in seasons around me and also used in a film about time travelling to denote the age of the characters. I got my tattoo done and wondered how it will look if I make it to old age and my skin is wrinkly!
I noticed I feel accepting of ageing and change but still resist the colder and darker autumn mornings. Waking up in the dark and staring out at grey mist and rain did make me feel grey and damp too.

This week is about being aware of time, being a bit late if you are always early or being on time if you are usually late. I am always early. Partly because I don't like to keep people waiting and partly because I arrive hot and sweaty regardless of the weather because I can't regulate my temperature properly. So I want to find somewhere to sit, cool down and dry off. Just reading the suggestion I be deliberately late makes me feel anxious!

Jan makes the point about the way we approach this says a lot about how we value our time and the final thought:

In the present moment there is always plenty of time

is so true.

When I started my practice I noticed that I started to relax when I waited in queues or for the bus. My bus route is a notorious for running late and it used to drive me mad. I spend twenty minutes stewing as I waited for the bus getting more and more angry. I realised that whether I spent the time cursing or just sitting and being and noticing, the bus still turned up whenever!

So how has your week been?

[starbug]

At first, I found this week's topic quite depressing. I sat in a lot of meetings, looking at my colleagues' wrinkles and grey hairs! I kept thinking of a line from the hymn Abide With Me - 'Change and decay in all around I see'.

Then, one day I was driving to work and listening to a singer- songwriter who was a rising star in his genre when I was in my twenties. His latest album is a retrospective of his hits, recorded with some of the new rising stars who followed on behind. It made me feel old, as I realised that he is now the old master, passing on his experience to younger artists.

I started thinking of life as a kind of wheel, with everything turning full circle - for example, the avant guarde comedians of my youth are now part of the establishment. Today's Bright Young Thing is tomorrow's Boring Old Fart. I realised that,no matter how risque she thinks she is now, one day Lady Gaga will be part of the establishment: rather like John Lydon doing TV commercials for butter. There was something almost comforting about this thought, even though I now find myself on the 'downward' slope of the wheel.

This week's topic could be interesting. My workplace has a culture of lateness, with most meetings starting late. To begin with, I used to resent waiting around for others, so eventually I started being late as well. It's going to take some discipline to get back into the habit of being prompt.

[Steve]

Hi Fee and welcome Starbug - its great to have another 'elephant trainer'. You are very welcome. Whatever I manage to practice on each weekly task it is so good to hear how others have found the week. Different experiences and different viewpoints really add another dimension - thank you.

I have been thinking about ageing. As I'm in my mid 50s my body is starting to remind me that I'm no longer an invincible teenager! It is all about cycles and it strikes me what difference there is between them, for some dragon flies it may be hours, for humans its usually tens of years but for other creatures it can be much longer and for rocks, stars etc it is thousands or millions of years.

Why do some organisms age faster than others when the building blocks of life are essentially similar?

I also realise that ageing is just a process of change. Everything changes continually, atoms jostle and fall off and in some cases regenerate. All amazing processes when you think about them.

I also pondered whether we have less energy as we get older or are we just less driven to non-stop activity and efforts to change the world? I am finding that the idea of riding the waves or mastering how to use the rapids (anyone who has been white-water rafting will appreciate this) is a more attractive way of approaching or living life than attempting to swim across or even against the flow.

This week also made me realise that ageing is greatly influenced by the mind and our attitude to life. If we don't keep active physically, mentally (and spiritually?) we risk losing out faculties more rapidly. We've all heard about people who retire and then deteriorate (age) rapidly if they are no longer physically or mentally challenged and stimulated. I am therefore taking a conscious decision not to follow this route - cycling is my main way of exercising and getting fresh air (and is mentally refreshing) and my aim is to pursue a variety of challenges both at work and outside work, to be the master of my own destiny and not just stuck in a rut.

Meditation also reminds me that age and time is immaterial, being in the present moment is timeless and whatever age we are, we have no idea how much longer we have.

This week - being on time. I try hard to be on time but often end up rushing around. But planning to allow time for tasks and to savour them has enabled me (sometimes) to take a more relaxed approach which usually means I have plenty of time (even if some things just don't get done).

Have a good week!

Steve

[FeeHutch]

Morning!

So how did you both get on with being early or late?
I struggled and wasn't able to be deliberately late for anything. I do think it is rude to be late to meetings and social events and I noticed I felt very resistant to changing that. It has probably got more marked since my haem because I just don't have endless energy and have to plan the things I do, down to how I get there, how long I can spend doing something and how to get home, now.

This week is procrastination, being aware of when and how we procrastinate. This is going to be difficult too I think. I do procrastinate. I'd rather watch TV than do the washing up (which seems quite understandable ). Jan also refers to our inner critic and how that might effect our ability to do things we need to get done. I am constantly aware of things that need to be done the 'problem' is that if I do all these things, if I adopt the suggested motto of 'do it now', I become ill and tend to collapse a lot.

So, for me this week will be about balancing procrastination with mindful action and monitoring my inner critic. In my case my inner critic is not particularly hidden. I will be exhausted, unable to move and still be beating myself up for not doing x,y and z. My inner critic says that all sounds like an excuse. My flippin inner critic annoys the hell out of me!

[Steve]

Hi there

Like you, I try to plan ahead when there is a definite time to be somewhere, if I don't I get stressed and rush around frantically which also puts me in a bad mood. Much better to allow plenty of time and take things calmly - if you arrive early its a great opportunity to have a few quiet moments to yourself. I get frustrated when other family members don't get ready on time and everyone ends up shouting and in a bad place. I try to disconnect from this but its not easy.

I don't like it when others are late as it does seem disrespectful and makes it more difficult to enjoy an event or have a useful meeting. On the other hand, as the book mentions, other cultures are much more laid back about this. I know it takes several days to 'go with the flow' when on holiday eg in a Mediterranean country where they seem not too bothered about keeping to schedules. This is great for a holiday but I'm not sure if I could adapt to it longer term. I guess they may be enjoying the moment rather than being ruled by the clock. This seems more compatible with a mindfulness approach but much of life does involve a certain amount of organisation particularly when interacting with others and in his country most people want others to keep to an agreed schedule (although my teenage children seem to get by with little attention to timeliness!). So I guess I try to find a balance between the two.

I like the idea of being aligned with the flowing nature of time - the present moment not being just an instant but a flow of awareness. A bit like being on train, you accept that you're aligned with its speed of movement rather than trying to proceed at your own speed down the track! Indeed, once you're on the train, the speed at which it is moving is irrelevant to your experience of the train (well, except for the occasional lurch!). If you think of time as being relative, when you match its speed its stops moving - hence the timelessness of being in the present moment.

Procrastination this week? I'm a great procrastinator but more about that later

Steve

[FeeHutch]

[starbug]

I don't like being late, as I think it's rude. However, not everyone at my workplace thinks the same way! I was early for one meeting and used the time to look through the novels in our book swap corner. I think ths week has shown me how much time is wasted in our office through lateness and how frustrated it usually makes me - using the time to meditate helped me not to get so angry.

One problem I did have this week is that my alarm clock died. I bought another, but found I couldn't see the luminous hands in the dark! To avoid waking hubby, I had to take it out to the bathroom and put the light on, which rather defeats the object. I found this incredibly frustrating, as I don't sleep well so I need the clock to tell me whether it's worth trying to go back to sleep or not. I took it back and got a better one. Until this happened, though, I hadn't realised just how dependent I am on the clock. I've stopped wearing a watch at weekends, but I don't think I can change my alarm clock habits as I need that point of reference during the long, sleepless nights.

Next week should be very interesting, as I tend to procrastinate a lot.