Way out West wrote:I feel like a beginner still.
This is a good thing - it should never stop - Beginner's Mind is one of the "7 pillars of mindfulness":
Here is Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living (2005), p35:
3. Beginner's Mind
The richness of present~moment experience is the richness of life itself. Too often we let our thinking and our beliefs about what we "know" prevent us from seeing things as they really are. We tend to take the ordinary for granted and fail to grasp the extraordinariness of the ordinary. To see the richness of the present moment, we need to cultivate what has been called "beginner's mind," a mind that is willing to see everything as if for the first time.
If, as science tells us, everything is constantly changing on all scales and in all places, keeping our mind open and fluid brings us into more harmony with 'what is' - you can harness this feeling of being a beginner to good effect in your formal mindfulness practice.
Way out West wrote:it also leaves me a little lost as I haven't experienced the kind of eureka moments that are described
As others have said, mindfulness is all about right now - any progress towards a more peaceful state, which we all want and actively strive for and seek at the beginning because that is why we even agreed to sit down and watch our busy minds - begins with where we are, just like an apple orchard begins with an empty field. If an aspiring apple farmer said he felt 'stuck' that he had no apples yet after buying his plot of land, we would all be able to advise him that a bit of soil preparation, skill in planting, and daily watering would be needed. Exactly the same goes for mindfulness.
We are organic beings that change their internal organisation and structure slowly like plants - we must plant and water the seed of peace and acceptance (trust and practice what the teachers say), and then things take their course. If one follows the instructions properly - the seed will sprout and grow. This is the nature of .... well... nature. Just keep on keeping on, while particularly remembering another 2 of the 7 pillars of mindfulness, from Full Catastrophe Living, p34 & p37:
2. Patience
Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time. A child may try to help a butterfly to emerge by breaking open its chrysalis. Usually the butterfly doesn't benefit from this. Any adult knows that the butterfly can only emerge in its own time, that the process cannot be hurried. In the same way we cultivate patience toward our own minds and bodies when practicing mindfulness.
If the apple farmer pulls on the sprouting seeds because he wants them to grow faster and he wants his apples as soon as possible, he'll just end up damaging the trees, and possible end up with no apples at all.
5. Non-striving
Almost everything we do we do for a purpose, to get something or somewhere. But in meditation this attitude can be a real obstacle. That is because meditation is different from all other human activities. Although it takes a lot of work and energy of a certain kind, ultimately meditation is a non-doing. It has no goal other than for you to be yourself. The irony is that you already are. This sounds paradoxical and a little crazy. Yet this paradox and craziness may be pointing you toward a new way of seeing yourself, one in which you are trying less and being more. This comes from intentionally cultivating the attitude of non-striving.
If the apple farmer thinks he knows exactly how many apples each tree will grow and where they will grow on the tree, and plans how to harvest his apples accordingly in great detail, then his predictions and ideas may very well interrupt his very ability to harvest his apples efficiently. Maybe when he sees the young trees growing differently to how he has expected and planned, he starts trying to force the tree to grow how he wants and ends up stunting it like a bonsai. He has to get out of the way of the whole process to let nature just take it's course. He planted properly, prepared the soil properly, has watered regularly, and the rest is just nature.
You say "I've been meditating for a year now, and completed an 8 week distance learning course over 8 months ago", but you also say "I try to meditate every day" and "Finding time is hard". This forum is not called "Everyday Mindfulness" for no reason - it seems most people here (including myself) say that once that daily rhythm gets going - that discipline ('art') - then things really start to happen - the single flame becomes more like a roaring fire. I remember at the beginning I used to recoil at the idea of having to sit - like it was some chore - like some parent was telling me to sit on the 'naughty step' - a discipline I wrestled with in a kind of love-hate sort of way. Now I am addicted to it - my day is empty without it - my whole life revolves around it. I just played the movie 'me and my issues' over and over again until I got bored of it. Then I could really begin to enjoy the discipline - it does me instead of me doing it.
If you are not so familiar with the 7 pillars, I would highly recommend getting hold of the above book and reminding yourself of them before you sit down to meditate - they are the 'bones' of practice.
Regarding the role of antidepressants alongside MBSR I have no personal experience, and advice regarding that lies in the domain of qualified medical professionals. Have you asked a trained MBCT instructor about how your medication could be affecting your MBSR practice? Jon Kabat Zinn et al's book - The Mindful Way Through Depression is an excellent book used by people doing the MBCT course. I have found a lot of great stuff in there even though I haven't done an MBCT course.
