Stuck

[Way out West]

I've been meditating for a year now, and completed an 8 week distance learning course over 8 months ago. So I'm new, but not new. I feel like a beginner still. Whilst reading the accounts in books is inspiring it also leaves me a little lost as I haven't experienced the kind of eureka moments that are described. I live in an isolated area on an island so contact with other like-minded people is difficult. I find that I still wander off with my thoughts all the time, rarely staying with the breath for more than a handful of breaths and sometimes wandering for what feels like an eternity before I return to the moment to find my posture sagging. I try to meditate every day - I usually do 15 minutes of qi qong/yoga and 20 minutes sitting practice before I go to work. Finding time is hard. At work I have no space at all. In the evening I'm tired and fall asleep. So I get up at 6.15 to get peace before everyone else in our small house gets going. I have found the practice helpful, though I'm still on anti-depressants so I can't be absolutely sure. I am generally much better at avoiding self-judgement and responding rather than reacting to situations. But I don't know what to expect from meditation. Does the experience change or is this it? If this is it that's fine. But it's hard to avoid expectation that it will get 'better'. I'd love to hear reflections from more experienced practitioners or others in the same boat. I feel isolated and in need of support to continue.

[JonW]

Hello wayoutwest,
Welcome to the community. Good to hear from you.
The first thing to say is that every last one of us will have a different experience of meditation. It's impossible to generalise about how exactly it will benefit our lives.
I'm not sure that there are any "eureka!" moments, not in any sudden, dramatic sense. For me, starting to meditate provided me with just enough daylight, enabling me to see that I didn't have to be at the mercy of my thoughts and feelings, that there was another way of relating to my own experiences, another way of coping with grief, heartache etc.
It might just be that your practice has become a little stale. It might be worth trying to freshen it up in some way. Maybe try the Mark Williams/Danny Penman 8-week book course. Or an online course such as Breathworks. Maybe try a few new guided meditations. Maybe work the body scan into your routine. Meditating to music, perhaps? Please feel free to ask for online links for all that.
In my own case, my meditation practice has benefitted hugely from reading around the subject. The written works of Alan Watts, Ramana Maharshi, Toni Packer, Joan Tollifson have given me excellent grounding and widened my perspective. Along with a lot of good books that are specifically about mindfulness - list available on request.
You'll find us to be a friendly bunch here at Everyday Mindfulness. We always aim to help out as much as we're able.
So stick around, make yourself at home, and please feel free to ask any questions that pop up.
All good things, Jon

[piedwagtail91]

hi
i've never experienced any eureka moments either, so don't let that worry you.
you seem to have benefited, you are aware of mind wander, and you're less judgemental.
all good points
i don't usually like quotes but this quote is from my mentors body scan i think it might help.
"And sooner or later the mind will wander off
Into planning
Thoughts
Worries
Or ideas
This is normal and nothing to worry about
Just notice when the mind drifts off
Acknowledging this is what minds do
And remind yourself what this practice is for
Its aim is not to feel any different
To relax or calm
This may happen or it may not
Instead, the aim of this practice is to
As best you can
Bring awareness to any sensations you find "
it really isn't about trying to get to some special state of mind or to another level.
it's just about being with whatever is happening.

i found this http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/dont-hesitate-meditateto be a good light hearted look at meditation.
it answers a lot of questions, and its free
mick

[JonW]

It's interesting to me how often the subject of expectations comes up here, as in - what we can expect from meditation. The striving/not striving issue seems to bother a lot of people.
I remembering attending the first class of my 8-week course and being asked by the teacher what I "expected" or "hoped for" from the course. I replied, "A bit of peace of mind would be nice."
As the course progressed I realised the futility of hoping for a bit of peace of mind in the future. That very hope was taking me out of the moment. The question of whether I was feeling more or less peace of mind was yet another way of taking myself out of the moment and into areas of past/future. By quietly and gently being attentive to present moment awareness (both in formal practice and in the rest of my day), peace of mind came naturally. Mindfulness is such a subtle thing. That's why, in my opinion, it's preferable to do the eight-week course with a good teacher. Having someone there to guide you and answer your questions is truly invaluable.

[Vixine]

I think it's great that you are still doing it every day, even with these questions and concerns. I find myself often asking similar questions and they cause me to drop off in my practice. The fact that you keep going is great. Have you read any books on mindfulness? There is a section on this forum with some good ideas if you want to take a look. The one I'm thinking of in particular is "everyday zen" by charlotte beck. Honestly I haven't read the whole book but what I have read so far is wonderful, and she addresses just what you are talking about early in the book. I find it helpful sometimes to read books by teachers or other experienced practitioners and that might be especially helpful if you cannot make it to a class.

[JonW]

Charlotte Joko Beck is a wonderfully wise writer. Highly recommended.

[Gareth]

It's funny. Such a simple concept, but so incredibly hard for people to get their head around. It was a very significant day in my practice when I stopped holding up a meditation to how it should be.

This is one of my favourite tweets that I ever wrote:

Expect nothing. Just deal with what actually happens.
#mindfulness

[Cheesus]

Vixine pointed me in the direction of the following talk months and months ago, and since then I have lost count of how many times I've listened to it or recommended it to people. It is titled 'working with judgement', and helped me immensely to loosen my expectations of my meditation practice:

http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/52/t ... dgment.mp3

One of the best quotes in the talk is 'let go of the notion that you're ever going to be good at this'. Trust me, it is the best thing you will ever do for your practice. When I meditate now, regularly (but not always, of course) I'm not concerned if I concentrate deeply or not at all, if my mind is full of nonsense or quiet, or if I am judgemental or non-judgemental (that last one is more difficult). Just keep on practising, and soak up any meditation literature/audio/material that you can.

[JonW]

Thanks for that link, Cheesus. I've added that to my guided meditation stockpile. Cheers, Jon

[Way out West]

Thanks for all your support. I already feel clearer and more motivated. And looking forward to following up the suggestions for reading etc.
J