Mindfulness and Relationships

[meditationman]

I have been dating my partner now for about 1.5 years, and around our 1 year mark I started to feel confused about everything as my s.o. and I were not on the same page emotionally--I felt stronger than she did about me. So, with other stressors in my life including this one, I started mindfulness as initially a way to "fix" my problems. As I progressed in the process, I realized that mindfulness practice does not "fix", but it merely gives me some space to see things as they are, which helps me phenomenally in life when it comes to school, sports, family, life, and even my girlfriend. Recently, I feel that over the past 6+ months that I have grown as a person while practicing, and as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests:i am watering the seeds of compassion, love, and understanding of my relationship. I have been able to grow in understanding my girlfriend better as a person, but i feel that I can have a hard time connecting with her sometimes as she does not practice mindfulness. I feel that if she did, she would have her eyes opened in life to better understand herself and to water her own seeds of loving kindness. She's a great person: caring, compassionate, lovely, beautiful, and above all, has a heart of gold. This is both our first serious relationship, so I am not to stressed about us experiencing some issues. I am not judging myself, and doing my best to actively not judge her. I really think that she could benefit from mindfulness practice because she works like extremely hard in school and sometimes does not "slow down" to enjoy life. She's driven and a go getter. My question is: I do not want to force her to try mindfulness, but I really feel that she would understand herself better and have a way to cope with stress better if she tried it. Any thoughts on what to do?

[JonW]

Great question!
My hunch would be that persuading her, however gently, to try mindfulness might be counter-productive. It's one of those things that rather needs to find you at the right time.
One option might be to buy her a book on the subject and explain that it would mean a lot to you if she read it, just so she could maybe understand why you're so passionate about it. On the back of that she might figure that it's something she'd like to try herself.
My recommendation would be Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go There You Are.
Wishing you all the best with this,
Cheers,
Jon

[meditationman]

JonW, I like the advice. I am seeing her again soon and do not want to force mindfulness on her. I want her to discover it herself. Ill look into the book you suggested; however, I already have a very good one called "Peace in every step" by Nhat Hanh that I am thinking of giving to her. Thanks for the advice!

[JonW]

That Nhat Hanh book is excellent too.
As you mention, it's so important for people to discover it for themselves. Since I started with mindfulness, a couple of my friends have gone on courses, not as a result of persuasion on my part, but because they could see the positive changes in me and thought it might be something that might benefit them too. And it has, I'm happy to say.
Wishing you all good things, Jon

[FeeHutch]

Since I started with mindfulness, a couple of my friends have gone on courses, not as a result of persuasion on my part, but because they could see the positive changes in me and thought it might be something that might benefit them too. And it has, I'm happy to say.
Jon

I was going to suggest something similar, that the best way to spread the idea of mindfulness is to just be yourself and let others see the changes for themselves.
That said I don't feel like I am the best advert for mindfulness myself, the last few days have been very challenging and I have struggled to remain mindful. Close friends have commented on the changes my mindful practice has brought me previously though.

[meditationman]

I believe that by being myself and merely having her seen the positive benefits I noticed (She has commented on them as well) that this will be enough to give her a chance to engage herself with mindfulness and see what it does for her personally.

[meditationman]

Great question!
My hunch would be that persuading her, however gently, to try mindfulness might be counter-productive. It's one of those things that rather needs to find you at the right time.
One option might be to buy her a book on the subject and explain that it would mean a lot to you if she read it, just so she could maybe understand why you're so passionate about it. On the back of that she might figure that it's something she'd like to try herself.
My recommendation would be Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go There You Are.
Wishing you all the best with this,
Cheers,
Jon

Just ordered that book. I read the description and I think itll be a good read!

[JonW]

We're all big fans of Jon Kabat-Zinn on this forum. All his books are highly recommended. But that's a perfect one to start with in my view.

[GianKarlo]

This is a love where “making love” is a daily “offering of self” and a “receiving of the other” — so much so that we become one... I like the write ups here.. very frustrating ><

[Gareth]

I was going to suggest something similar, that the best way to spread the idea of mindfulness is to just be yourself and let others see the changes for themselves.

I think that this is the only way I'm afraid. My wife doesn't practise either, and it breaks my heart on a daily basis. She has has witnessed at first hand a complete transformation in my life, and yet she hasn't felt motivated to practise; I have no idea why.

See my topic in long-term; this conundrum applies to all the other relationships in my life too.

I will never ask anybody to meditate, as Jon says, people must come to that decision for themselves. All that we can do is be examples, and that is what this site and forum is about in the main part. Sometimes I try and gently point out the situations in which she is being unnecessarily mindless and I will say "too much future" or "too much past" in a lighthearted manner. I can only hope that over time she will see the changes in me and be motivated.