fears and mindfulness

[yardenmodan]

Hi everyone,
As a background I started meditating roughly two years ago but very abruptly and I wasn’t consistent at all (I can sum all the days I meditated in my life to about two months, tops). I proceeded meditating again, a week ago and so far I keep doing it for 35 minutes each day, alone in my room and I feel very peaceful afterwords, not to mention that I manage to observe my thoughts and emotions very often. Today I chose (out of curiosity) to meditate outside, in nature ( I live near a pond). This pond is a popular site for locals to travel at the weekend. As I looked for a place to sit and meditate I felt uncomfortable but eventually I found a relatively quiet place to meditate and many emotions began to arise, e.g.:
- fear of judgement from people who travel there and may think : "Is he crazy? He's sitting there alone and doing nothing. How miserable and sad he looks."
- fear that people would see me as vulnerable/ weak target and they will take their rage on me or hurt me physically, for example, I imagine a group of people rudely throw a rocks at me or teasing me and I won't know how to act ( I always imagine myself freeze in these types of situations).
- I became angry at people who speak loudly and behave extrovertly when I sit quietly because I see them as a threat and they make me feel unsafe.
- I became judgmental of myself as I don't know how to defend myself and I'm too afraid to take action and rather I would freeze out.
- Lastly I felt confused and frustrated.
(Psychologically speaking, I guess all these fears are being kind of defend mechanisms began developing as I was child. I was scared, shy, vulnerable and introverted child).
As for the meditation retreat I was doing, I could watch these thoughts as they arose but something inside me won't let them go. I feel as if I was physically hurt , and abused so many times in the past that I can't just forgive people who hurt me (why would why?! if I'm always forgiving where is the respect for myself?) .I'm nobody's punching bag! I feel hatred toward the people who hurt me badly in the past (as I write it right now I wish they were dead actually) and of course I can't find any compassion or forgiveness for them (I wish I could).
The problem is that as I'm doing so my life become worse and more people are being perceived as threats while I tend to seclude myself and defend myself from being hurt again.
How can I work my deepest fears with mindfulness? I want to confront my fears fearlessly and nonjudgmentally, how can I do so? How can I find compassion towards people and myself? How can I forgive others and myself through mindfulness despite my intense feelings?
Thank you!

[Peter]

Hi yardenmodan,

Thanks for your contribution. My answer would be: Give it a lot of time. Observe your thoughts, feelings, reactions etc with awareness, then challenge yourself a little bit, and repeat....

You've only been doing this a week. It will take a lot of time. Compliments on your observations of your thoughts! That's a great start.

[JonW]

Hi yardenmodan,
Welcome to the forum.
As Peter says, it takes time.
It also takes patience and a certain amount of commitment.
Also, it can be difficult to ground yourself in the practice without some structure. A good teacher would provide that and would also be able to answer the questions you raise in your post - all those points are covered in a good 8-week mindfulness course.
I hope you stick around here and update us on how you are doing.
All good things,
Jon

[monkey]

Hi yardenmodan, welcome! I agree with Jon and Peter - a week is the beginning! I’ve been sitting for years and still have a lot of things come up which feel very painful.

It sounds like you might have had some traumatic experiences in the past. If so I think it would be good if you found a teacher or therapist who specialises in mindfulness. Otherwise it could be hard to deal with that on your own.

The thought that ‘I should be able to relate better to this by now’ is something that comes up a lot for me while sitting, and just in general. But it’s not about that really, all you have to do is be there with what comes up, including frustration, and let it be, let it arise, let it pass and be kind to yourself. If that’s how things are now then that’s how they are.

Lastly, I would also find it hard to meditate in a park, for all the reasons you’ve said! There’s no rule that says you have to meditate everywhere. Just have places that feel safer and more relaxing if that’s what suits you. Or you could try just sitting with your eyes open and listening to sounds while outside.

Again, welcome!

[Jens]

Hi yardenmodan,

welcome to the forum and compliments on your honesty with yourself. I recognised myself quite well in your story and wanted to share a practice with you that has served me well in similar situations.

When you find yourself becoming defensive, investigate into what it is that you are trying to defend. Do not ask why you are getting defensive, that just leads to judgment (I shouldn't be so defensive and more compassionate, blablabla), ask what it is that you are trying to defend. Those defensive thoughts usually point outwards, to the noisy and potentially threatening people for example. It is very fascinating to turn the tables on them and follow the pointer in the other direction. When you do that, you will find that your mind sort of "blanks" at the origin. But if there isn't really anything in particular that these walls are built around, the walls start to lose their importance and naturally fade.
I hope that makes sense and I wish you all the best,

Jens