Mindfullness and separation

[Peter]

Great to hear from you again, MiM.
I understand what a difficult time this must be. Good thing that you're picking up mindfulness again. These rough times can also be insightful times, if we perceive it like that. Since we are talking about the ego, maybe it'll help to know that 'the boy', and 'the man' you're talking about are also part of the ego. They too aren't you. But I wouldn't care about that too much at this stage, if I were you. I would keep things simple for a while and just build up a solid (simple) practice again.
If you've any questions, know that we're always here to help you.
Peter

[Gareth]

. I would keep things simple for a while and just build up a solid (simple) practice again.

Sound advice. All mindfulness advice can be boiled down to one word, really: practise.

Good luck to all of you who are practising in difficult times!

[MiM]

Oh no, I am not going to try anything but simple right now, but thanks for spelling it out.

It is more than hard enough to "try to stay with the present", when the sound of the past (what the hell happened) and of the future (what will I be / what will be of me) are banging so loud and the present is the last place you want to be.

[MiM]

Three weeks ago my wife of 20 years left me without any prewarning, and I am now trying to see if reviving mindfulness could help me cope with the situation and find myself. That also made me take a look in here. The first I stumbled on when I lurked was this thread, and Peter's comment that its the ego that is hurt. Thank you for that one, Peter.

Reading what I just wrote makes me understand that finding myself will be the very big chore. Who is the boy trying to lurk out from deep inside, who is the man I have come to be? Can mindfulness help me find that out?

Just thought I would give a short update and tell that a little more than a month after I wrote the text above, and after spending the holidays leisurely and mostly together with my kids, I can tell that mindfulness has definitely helped a lot with coping with the situation, letting go and finding some inner peace. Cannot say I am there yet, and mindfulness has not been the only tool in my box, but getting my regular practice going and experimenting with some new items has made a big difference for the better. When it comes to finding myself, I will obviously need more time (a lot of it).

Thank you all for being one contact point to mindfulness for me. Based on my recent experience I absolutely believe that mindfulness saves lives, even though I was never close to a point where I could count myself into that category.

[Peter]

Great to hear that things are going better for you, MiM. And thanks for sharing it with us. Would you like to share what your regular practice consists of, and what other tools in your box you are talking about, and what new items you're experimenting with? Maybe others could benefit from your experience.

[MiM]

Thanks for your answer, Peter. Lets see... what could I say, without starting to write a book...

The very basic sitting meditation has always been the core of my mindfulness practice. Nothing else seems to come even close for me to 20-30 dark and silent minutes on the cushion (please don't ask me in what way, it's just that it seems to have such a powerful impact on me). Some days I might do mindful yoga instead or in addition and when I have trouble sleeping I have been adding body scans in bed to that.

That's all things I have done before, now I added the insight timer app to my phone (and hate to admit it, but getting stars for "consecutive days" does help getting on the cushion daily ). The community there also seems very supportive. For sleepless nights (which I had a lot of almost until Christmas), I have tried some guided meditations and/or music for sleep, mainly from that app. I've also tried adding empowering mantras to my walks (meditative walking has always been difficult for me, adding a mantra seems to help me there), and especially "I am whole, I am free", which I found on a webpage on walking meditations feels like a good message for me right now, even though there is little lie in there - I don't feel that whole yet.

Other tools - I have made sure I have enough physical activity, I have been reaching out to people, both on the internet and IRL, I have been attending a divorce seminar, I have support from my family and I have been reconnecting with very old friends, that I have not met with for a long long time. The festive season has helped a lot with that, and they have also been very good to me, actively asking me to join their parties, when they have gotten news of my situation. Its strange how easy it is to reconnect with good enough friends, even though you have not met for 10 years or so.

Almost forgetting, but very important, I have been working on connecting with my children. I already feel I have a much better connection with them, as we get to be together without the ex influencing our interaction.

So looking at all that, I guess I have been keeping quite busy, but it still feels difficult to come home to a big empty house after work, when you are so used to there always being someone there, but that I actually think is mostly habit speaking, and breaking habit is one thing mindfulness can help with. On the flip side I have been lagging awfully at work. I am very lucky having a workplace and boss who fully understands that giving some slack to a person in a crisis will pay back for everyone in the long run.

[JonW]

Great to hear from you, MIM, and that your practice is flourishing. Remember to be gentle and patient with yourself.
Maybe you'd consider writing a blog for us about how mindfulness is helping you to cope at a difficult time?
All best wishes,
Jon

[Peter]

Thanks a lot for sharing MiM. I think you're doing a lot of important things to help yourself! To give others a quick overview, I took the liberty to make a condense list of the activities you described. I like to point out though, that others don't need to replicate it. See what works best for you.

MiM's list
* Very basic sitting meditation: 20-30 dark and silent minutes on the cushion
* Mindful yoga
* Body scans
* Insight timer app: guided meditations and/or music
* Mantras during walks: "I am whole, I am free"
* Physical activity
* Connecting with people [JonW: 'consider joining or starting a meet-up group; e.g. meetup.com']
* Professional help

[MiM]

Thank you Jon. I am consciously trying to remember that, although it is sometimes very hard as I have a very stern inner judge.

I will think about writing a blog text.

Peter: I think you got most of the things on the list there, but a very important thing for me has also been the divorce seminar. You could maybe put it on the list as * Professional help

[Peter]

Peter: I think you got most of the things on the list there, but a very important thing for me has also been the divorce seminar. You could maybe put it on the list as * Professional help

Thanks MiM, I've added it.