New here, hi! Struggling with obsessive thoughts

[Freyagfab]

Hi everyone. Does anyone have any tips specific to obsessive thinking. I have borderline personality disorder so I've always struggled with people and relationships. I've studied mindfulness in Dialectical behavioural therapy and do at least 10 mins of mindfulness meditation most days and read books on it. Aswell as online articles on self love etc.

I've been with my partner 4 months and I'm obsessively thinking about him. Checking our Facebook Convo to check when he was last active.  Why hasn't he messaged. What do his words mean. Over analysing. Does he even love me want me. Why doesn't he want to see me today. I have serious rejection issues. Serious. I've always been this way with men. I'm so clingy and needy but I have come a long way. When he wants to spend a night at home I don't kick off. Instead I beat myself up in private in my head. The other night I even told him not to. Come over, even though I ached for him. I knew I had to try and self soothe myself.

I've tried, accepting the emotions as they come. Feeling them in the body. Trying not to get lost in thought. But the emotions and  thoughts are so damn strong. I try directing that energy from thinking of him to thinking of myself.  I try telling myself it doesn't matter if he wants me or not, I am the one in control of my own self worth and happiness. But It doesn't seem to stick

I  think part of the problem is my resistance, like I hate myself for being this way. When I know I need to accept it and be curious and kind. Maybe I'm trying to fight these thoughts too much and it's making them stronger. He's literally in my head 24 7 but not in a nice way
It's over analysis, racing thoughts that are making me miserable. 

Does anyone have any advice at all?
Thanks in advance x

[JonW]

Hi there.
Welcome to the forum.
A bit more info about your practice would be welcome. You say you do ten minutes a day. Does that involve sitting meditation, body scans, mindful movement, walking meditation? Other?
Also, ten minutes a day is not very much. Try doing a 45 minute body scan from time to time. Or a much longer sit.
My guess is that your practice is not as grounded as it might be.
Stick around. We are a friendly bunch and will do our best to answer any questions.
All good things,
Jon

[Gareth]

Hi and welcome!

I'm just an enthusiastic amateur when it comes to mindfulness, not nearly as qualified as Jon, but it seems to me that there is a lot of fighting in your situation (I don't want to feel this way!). Mindfulness asks us to accept the way that we feel. Just because you don't want to feel a paticular way, doesn't mean that you have to fight the feeling. Why don't you try and do some work based around acceptance? "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach sounds like a good place to start.

I also agree with Jon in that it would probably be a good idea to lengthen your practice a bit. Everybody is different and people tend to settle on different amounts of time. I tend to meditate for half an hour a day; it feels like the right amount of time for me. Heaps of informal practice, too.

[Kukurijek]

I have this same issue, although my thoughts and anxiety are focused on health of those close to me. There's a workbook that can be purchased on Amazon about OCD and Mindfulness that I found useful. It helped me realize few things about how to think about thoughts. I'd recommend looking into it.

[PeterT]

Hi, it seems like you understand just what you should do to use mindfulness techniques to address your obsessive thinking. You try to observe your emotional response, locate the feelings as bodily sensations, you try to redirect your thinking, you use logic to counteract the frightening thoughts, you practice remembering your self worth, independent from your partner's opinion of you, you practice meditation, you read inspirational articles to help you practice self love, and you recognize your intense fear of rejection and how those fears are activated throughout the day as you wonder about the state of the relationship.

Even with a mindful practice of self love, you find yourself hating yourself for being how you are, for continuing to resist and obsess. You think that part of your problem is resistance, but you are unable to resist the constant thoughts about the relationship. It is natural to resist giving into the pain of rejection and fear of rejection.

To introduce new habits to help you live and work with these compulsive thoughts try following your own advice and not resisting. Give yourself time to allow yourself to think about your relationship. Try to think in constructive ways that can involve your partner, and give him some insight into your experience. If you have shared with him that you suffer from borderline personality disorder, you can invite him to attend a support group for partners of people with that condition. That may be more of a long term project. But you can help him become aware of your fears around rejection and what kind of things feel like rejection to you. As you communicate with him he may learn to be more sensitive to your fears.

As for meditation practice, you may want to practice walking meditation when your mind is active. Take your mediation outside and pay attention to your feet as they touch and leave the ground. An active meditation sometimes helps with an active mind.

Finally, keep practicing all of those great strategies that work for you. The hardest part about leaning into pain and fears is that they hurt. It is hard not to resist feeling pain. As you know and practice, keep meeting that pain with compassionate awareness. I am impressed with your courage and all the hard work you do to manage your troubling thoughts and feelings.