Trying to practice again - sleep seems to get worse?

[Terrier]

Hi there, new to the forum. Hope everyone is well.

I have had issues with anxiety for a long time, plus a long list of symptoms related both to that and to dysautonomia (basically my nervous system doesn't quite work the way it once did). In the past five years I've also really struggled with sleep issues and this lead me to mindfulness in a bid to find relief. However after a few months I gradually gave it up (along with the yoga I'd also started) as it seemed to be making my sleep worse, if anything. I didn't see this as a reflection on the practice and assumed it was perhaps more down to the fact that I was clearly coming to it with a goal which I couldn't loosen my grip on.

Fast forward a few years and with my sleep as poor as its ever been I'm trying to reintegrate mindfulness back into my life a little. In some respects I think it's paying dividends - considering the amount of sleep I'm getting and how troublesome my symptoms are (bit of a vicious circle there) I'm much calmer than I would normally expect. Usually one bad night even after a decent run and I'd be a mess, but here I am not having had close to a good night in weeks but relatively at ease. Completely exhausted both physically and mentally, but there's some level of calm in the storm. But still, the sleep won't follow and the longer it goes on it's difficult to keep up the hope that it will. I might actually be getting less than I was a few weeks back, let alone catching up.

I'm wondering if the issue might be that in cultivating awareness I'm also actually cultivating hyperawareness and this is preventing me from 'letting go' into sleep? Hyperawareness/hypervigilance has definitely been a feature of my general experience over the years so I suppose this makes sense and I rarely feel sleepy even when I'm very clearly completely exhausted ('wired but tired' I think they call it!) Has anyone experienced anything similar and overcome it? Or any suggestions for techniques or particular meditations I could look into to facilitate that?

I've always instinctively been drawn to mindfulness in general so would hate to have to give it up due to hitting this same speedbump again.

Thanks for taking the time to read

Edit: I forgot to mention that my insomnia actually started around the time I began doing some non-mindfulness breathing exercises, though whether that was what triggered it I don't really know.

[JonW]

Hi Terrier,
Welcome to the forum and compliments of the season to you.
It would be useful to get a bit more info from you. How did you learn mindfulness? From a course? From a book? Other?
Also, what does you practice consist of? Sitting meditations? Body scans? Mindful movement?
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Cheers,
Jon

[Terrier]

Hi Jon, thanks for the welcome!

You're right, I think I saw the length of the post and perhaps wrapped it up prematurely! It might be a cliched answer - originally I read Full Catastrophe Living and followed the meditations on there with the CD (I think two of them are yoga, one a body scan and the other just with the breath) and by trying to incorporate that mindset a little into everyday experience. If I recall correctly I did all of that for a good few months, a 45 minute session most days.

Coming back to it these last few weeks I've been doing shorter but more frequent sessions (perhaps 10 minutes-ish, once or twice a day), either sitting with the breath or following some audio, like the Meditation Oasis podcast. I've also done a few sessions of yoga following along with YouTube. I know a 'real' teacher would be preferable but that's a bit beyond my means and situation at the moment unfortunately.

What's difficult to get my head around is that during the practice I get very relaxed by my standards, occasionally way beyond what I thought was possible for me these days. I try not to make this the object, but it does sometimes happen so I have to assume something's going right! But at the same time I never feel sleepy whilst meditating and then in bed I'm often in a similar state, feeling relatively relaxed and that sleep should naturally be along pretty soon but it either doesn't happen or comes fitfully and very shallow. It does feel like there's some aspect of awareness that part of me can't let go of. I certainly have had many nights like that in the time when I haven't been practicing so I'm not 'blaming' the practice, more trying to shine a light on why the practice seems to aggravate it and what I can do to work with that. I think if getting frustrated was going to work it would've done so by now!

[JonW]

'It does feel like there's some aspect of awareness that part of me can't let go of.'

Could you possibly elaborate on that? Not quite sure what you mean by it.
Cheers,
Jon

[Terrier]

I mean that hyperaware/hypervigilant thing. Like there's a part of me that doesn't feel it's safe to let go. I'd liken it to animal sleeping with one eye open perhaps.

[JonW]

Hi.
I'd suggest grounding yourself in the practice again. If a teacher is beyond your means at present, you might want to try the book Finding Peace In A Frantic World which will take you through the 8-week course.
Cheers,
Jon

[Matt Y]

Hi Terrier,

It's a bit hard to offer suggestions without knowing quite what you are doing with your mindfulness practice.

Are you trying to use mindfulness to get to sleep? That is, are you meditating just before bed, or in bed?

Are you focusing on the breath or something else?

If you're trying to stay awake, aware, alert and vigilant when you meditate (as is commonly suggested), then those directives may carry over to sleep time in an unhelpful way. Perhaps when you meditate you should place more emphasis on relaxing, drifting off, letting go, relinquishing control and remaining less alert, less aware and less vigilant.

It could also be helpful to do an inventory of all the things that trigger fear or worry at the start of any meditations you do (and before bed). In other words, spend a few minutes thinking over and acknowledging what's on your mind. This may help you to let go of the things that keep you hypervigilant.

Good luck,
Matt.

[Terrier]

Thank you both for your replies.

Matt, I don't consciously try to be mindful when in bed really - largely due to this issue and past experiences doing breathing exercises in bed. Concentrating on something like the breath for me seems to make it harder to drift off. I don't actively try to push it away either though. I read when I first go to bed so at that point I'm not generally conscious of much at all other than reading. If I can't get to sleep after that or wake in the night I'll often find myself in the state described though.

I've always shied away from any more 'energising' forms thus far as those didn't really seem right for my situation. I've largely used the Full Catastrophe Living meditations as mentioned as well as others that complement them, so they do focus a fair bit on the 'letting go' side of things as the program is designed for stress reduction. The two I've predominantly used are a body scan and breath awareness, I haven't used the yoga ones as much but they still have the focus on relaxation, acceptance and a gentle sort of awareness. Which is why I can't quite understand what the issue is! And as I say, I can get quite relaxed doing them but I never get sleepy when practicing, which is the same state I then find myself slipping into at night without consciously trying to - relaxed enough, but sleep doesn't come.

[Babywhale]

Chronic sleep problems have been a problem for me for many years now, and have at times reached fairly acute points e.g. 2-3 days of not sleeping for a single minute (and still trying to work full-time/commute etc.). Basically coping throughout the day with terrible physical and psychological symptoms.

Ive taken some practical steps in recent weeks/months:

1. Quit smoking. Smoking isn't good for sleep at the best of times, but if you're up during the night smoking (as well as during the day) you are constantly stimulating your mind and body.

2. Cut out most caffeine, especially after about lunchtime. I've gone from about 6-10 cups of (strong) coffee a day to just 1 or 2 in the morning.

3. Physical exercise. I have resumed playing tennis, but try to ensure I don't play past 9pm. I play about 1-2 times a week. If I don't get a game, I make a point of walking for 30 minutes on a fair-weather day instead (not hard because Ive got dogs to walk).

In terms of mindfulness and meditation, I initially started out about a month ago (before starting an 8 week course) by relaxing before bedtime to some relaxation-style meditations. Michael Sealey on YouTube has plenty, and his voice is quite soft and percussive. They are relaxing if you're not too overwhelmed and stressed.

When I started mindfulness meditations, such as the body scan, I found that it didn't help me drift off into sleep, so I'm tending to to do the body scan earlier in the evening. I actually do one of Mark Williams' shorter body scans when i wake first thing. It's only about 15 minutes and isn't as intense as, say, some of the 30-40 body scans that are out there (which Ive found too intense before hitting the sack).

If I'm aiming to sleep from, say 11.30pm to 7.30pm, I'll generally aim to go to bed about 11pm and do some reading with a low light on. Nothing too gripping, but paying as much attention as possible to the reading i.e. Mindfully, using my breath as an anchor where I can.

I cant say my sleep has improved a lot yet - its too soon - and I am still taking zopiclone here and therefore if I've had 1-2 bad nights in a row. I make a point of not taking zopiclone on non-work nights.

I'm looking forward to mindful movement practice - which i understand is fairly light - because i think there is merit in carrying out some gentle stretches shortly before bedtime to relax the body physically.

Another thing Ive been doing recently -sleeping downstairs in a separate bed. Part of my sleeplessness problems are caused by being conscious that my restlessness (tossing and turning, itching, breath control) disturbs my partner. And I become hyper sensitive to sounds and movements, including from my partner, when I'm struggling myself. My partner has become more understanding about my sleeping issues and, besides the odd jokey dig, is coming to accept that sleep is really important to me. Even talking about sleep issues late evening is a sensitive topic for me. It's not ideal in a relationship, but neither is it ideal for one or both partners to suffer from the physical and mental effects of chronic sleep deprivation.

A final tip - i find focusing on the breath when trying to nod off isn't helpful to me. That could be a personal experience thing rather than universal, however I find that my chest feels tight, as to the muscles in my abdomen. I use a different anchor - the sound of the distant traffic usually, or the sound of the dogs snoring. Sound might be a better anchor, so if you don't have any sound to focus on, you could try playing some ambient music on *very* low volume, in such a way that you could asleep and not be concerned about it disturbing you later. YouTube has many long-running (8 hour) soundtracks, some of which are very gentle and non-intrusive. I think there are also white noise machines out there, but I know little more about these than just that.

I hope some of this has been useful Terrier - even if sleep is a uniquely personal matter/experience.