anxiety setback and on week 3 of mindfulness programme

[Serenityseeker]

Hi there, Margaret here.

I have been an anxiety sufferer on and off for 20 years. In the past couple of years I have gone through a number of big life changes. Moving countries, getting married, etc... so I have had quite a few episodes in the recent past. I have made some attempts in the past at mindfulness practice, but not consistently and my emotional pattern has generally been to put it aside when I go through good weeks and feel myself again, but then I would crash out again with severe anxiety and basically being paralysed by my fears and the catastrophic thought and emotional loop for a few days before slowly coming out of an episode.

I have been researching fear, anxiety, etc for years and have basically gone down all the routes conceivable to learn to live with my anxiety and move away from my fight/flight response when it hits but with having such a strong body/mind memory of this fear process, it's a tough habit to break and re-train.

I bought the "Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World programme" 3 weeks ago and started on the programme immediately. Much of what I read in the book was not new to me, but the key I found in this book was embarking on a programme with clear instructions and practices to carry out daily. I know that to truly come to terms with my response to fear and anxiety that I have to essentially re-wire my brain and body to be more attuned with the present moment and slowly learn to become more and more accepting of my emotions and not get so scared of them. I know that this daily practice is the big key that I have been missing and I truly felt the results immediately.

Today though I started to feel the old pangs though after my parents arrived last night to visit us. I know that part of my anxiety is learned behaviour as my mother is a sufferer even though she has mellowed out a lot in recent years. So, I know that the old internal memory system just triggered the anxiety again and apprehension about the next week has kicked in. My mother and husband both have very strong personalities and I know that they can easily clash so I know I get tense about that potentially happening. This trigger though I find kind of irrelevant because the real part I need to work on is how I then react to initial tension and anxiety, that is the process I need to learn to cope with better as that is when I just start feeding it and becoming consumed by it and can't just snap out of this auto-pilot inside me. My parents are quite familiar with my anxiety so are not really phased, but it's still a bit of a learning curve for my husband as it makes him anxious in a different way if it lasts too long and he can loose his patience then as he tries to deal with his demons of needing to be in control of the situation.

Part of me feels a bit disappointed that I feel like I am back to square one after 3 very rewarding calm weeks. Like I should be handling this better and that I am just weak. That said, the other part of me fully recognises that what I am going through is perfectly normal and that this mindfulness journey I have committed to embark on will continue to give fruits as I move forward with it. I guess I just needed to vent out here and that I need reassurance and support as I go through this tough patch of feeling that I have just fallen down the hole and want to get out straight away! I want this cloud to lift now so I can go back to being more balanced.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this long post. Have a good day all!

[Peter]

Hi Margaret,
Welcome to the forum!

My advice is not to want it away, that makes it worse! It is really good that you've found mindfulness, and I'm very sure it will help you a lot. But you have to realize that it is a long process, with ups and downs. What helps most is of you could be curious about your anxiety. Try to notice with curiosity when it comes, when it goes, what it does to you, what makes it greater, and what makes it less. Try to be with it; just observing it. You also need to realize that your fears are not valid. You don't know whether it will clash this time between your husband and your mother. Even if it does, let them figure it out, and get out of their way. You could also ask your husband not to engage in a discussion.

Most importantly, just practice your mindfulness every day!

Good luck!
Peter

[beherenow.space]

Progress in anything is rarely a smooth upward trajectory. Wobbles a plenty are to be expected :-)

[DJLSFC]

Hi Margaret, your story sounds similar to mine.

I started to practice daily back in January and it has had an enormous impact on changing my thought process when it comes to anxiety and mood so stick with it as it will take time.

I have just come back from a few days away with my kids, the only area in my life where anxiety can still rear its head as I'm separated from them now. I was really excited to be taking them away and on the first night my 8 year old son gave me nothing but grief and I found it very upsetting. Some of my old anxiety about how my relationship with them will change came flooding back and hit me really hard. I must admit, I was disappointed that I couldn't control my emotions after 8 months of daily practice but I did take time to note my feelings and be with them and it did help stop my mood sliding. Now I`m home, I am putting down as a learning experience.

I don't think mindfulness can ever make you bulletproof but it helps greatly.

Dave.

[Serenityseeker]

Thank you folks. I wish today was better but I am still kind of stuck and didn't sleep last night. Tensions are also rising with my husband and it is just very hard to operate positively. Good thoughts and some loving-kindness vibes would be much appreciated. I know this will pass but I guess I wish feel more balanced.

[DJLSFC]

You will be the subject of "my person I don't know" in today's loving kindness practice . Hang in there.

Dave.

[Sensi]

Hello Margaret

Welcome to the forum. Anxiety is hard and I suffer from it, though very few people see me as anxious. I hide it well, and when it comes out, it's usually as control and/or anger.

I too have meditated on and off, but recently picked up a more serious practice the last two months, and it helps. Not perfectly for sure, but little by little. After some calm weeks, I have also had triggers recently that have challenged me. It's helped me see that mindfulness does help. It's hard because, as you say, we are very used to reacting in the same old ways we knew before, but I'm able to see a bit more clearly when my mind wants to spin off into the old thinking. I can't always stop it completely, but I can slow it down some and look at it more. I focus a lot on my body sensation instead of the thoughts, though they are still there. And I'm also learning to me more kind to myself amongst the turmoil. I also see that it's only in practicing that we can get some benefit. We mostly all know mindfulness is a helpful way to be, but, for me anyway, it's always been about being committed to practice. No matter how much we know, it's only in the practice that we benefit from it.

I sense your pain and truly wish you well.

Hang in there and keep us posted if you like

Sensi

[Gareth]

Lots of love and support from me too.

The road to peace is a very bumpy one. Life has a habit of throwing challenging situations before us, and this will always be the case.

As you continue to practise mindfulness, you will become more attuned to yourself, and your decisions will get more and more skilful; more aligned with who you are. And while challenging situations will not stop coming, the way that you respond to them should improve greatly.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Serenityseeker]

Having difficulty posting as I keep getting an error message. Testing again!

[Serenityseeker]

Thank you all for your supporting words and thoughts. Apologies for the delayed response, but I kept having issues with error messages when I would try to respond. Seem to have rectified the problem now.

I have been on vacation for over a week now and been doing much better. Got through the whole triggering episode. I learned a great deal from this little setback and could tell that at times I was able to take a step back and take in the greater picture. I look forward to following
My mindfulness practice and recognize that while anxiety and triggering episodes will always be there, I will, in time become more skillful at accepting and handling them. The key really is in the regular practice and letting time pass.

I feel very grateful for this forum as it is so nice to find like-minded people who are on the same journey. We all come with different baggage and will have different experiences and learnings along the path, and that's the beauty of it.

Best,
M.