Stillness, stability and depth

[Happy Buddha]

Dear friends, below is something I wrote a few months ago and thought I would share it with you all.

STILLNESS, STABILITY AND DEPTH

We all want stability in our lives, but for many of us it seems an elusive quality. We may appear stable to the outside world but our internal life is in turmoil. Our thoughts give rise to emotions that leave us confused, uncertain what to do or how to act.

We may attempt to gain some stability by trying to be a good person or having a wonderful personality and ‘doing the right thing’ so that everybody likes us. We do this so we won’t have to feel any pain. This, however, only leads to frustration and leaves us even further from stability.

We may attempt to find some stability by immersing ourselves in pleasant experiences and trying to keep anything unpleasant out of our lives. This way only leads to tension and leaves us nervously looking out for anything that may threaten our pleasant life.

Looking for stability in this way is like trying to find calm on the surface of the ocean. It is not going to happen, at least not for long.

To find stability on an ocean, a ship has a keel, which reaches down beneath the choppy surface to the depths of the ocean. Without the keel, the ship would be tossed around on the surface like a little boat; but instead of being tossed around or fighting against them, the ship rides the waves – it moves with them.

The Keel in Our Lives

What is the keel in our lives? The keel, that which brings stability, is awareness. It is the willingness to open to and allow our experience to reveal itself. Often when something unpleasant goes on in our lives, we ‘run away’ and find comfort in over-drinking, overworking or other behaviours to avoid discomfort. It is good to know our strategies. Keeping unpleasantness away may seem a sensible thing to do and to an extent, of course, it is – we don’t go looking for it; but the nature of life is that some unpleasantness or pain will come our way. It is a fact of life – so we need to grow up and learn to face it head on.

When unpleasant emotions arise within us, the keel is our ability to experience the emotion in the body. Often when we are feeling discomfort, we disappear into our head and try to work it out, or we blame somebody for making us feel that way, or even blame ourselves. This fans the flames of the emotions. Stability does not mean that we don’t have emotions and feelings but that we can learn to experience them in the body, here and now. In a way, we learn to be with them, to be compassionate towards them, and not be tossed about by them.

When feeling something unpleasant, such as anxiety, fear or sadness, our work is to move toward it and feel it. Be curious about it, be kind, notice where you feel it, notice its different qualities. If we can do this without getting lost in thinking, the emotion tends to dissipate. It is like the calm at the end of a storm.

Finding Stability

Awareness is also the stillness. We bring the agitated emotion into the stillness of awareness and allow it to burn itself out. Awareness here can be likened to a large paddock where wild horses are tamed. The paddock contains the horse until the horse tires and calms down. The emotion ‘tires’ because we are not feeding it with lots of unconscious thinking about what caused it or how to get rid of it. All that thinking is the mind’s way of taking us away from feeling anything unpleasant.

After having done this several times, we may come to see that even in the midst of strong emotions we can still have a sense of stability and of stillness. Stillness is not the absence of agitation and upset, but rather how we relate to it.

We develop and strengthen stability, stillness and depth through meditation by commitment and consistent practice. It’s not really about effort but more about a willingness to welcome whatever arises to our awareness. I may be sitting in meditation or in my daily life and feel fear or anxiety. I can try to oppose this or I can ask the question, ‘What’s this?’ or ‘What does this feel like?’ I am then more likely to turn toward and give space to this uncomfortable emotion. If I do that for a while, I notice that the emotion of fear no longer upsets me like it used to. I become more stable in the face of strong emotion. Through facing my uncomfortable emotions this way, I find that I identify less with the waves of emotion and more with my capacity to experience them. This brings a deeper stillness to my being than I experienced previously.

It is similar with depth. Whereas before I would identify and get upset because of the emotional turbulence, I now have confidence in my ability to experience it because I am in touch with something far deeper than the emotion itself. It is almost like I now have roots that are not easily shaken. This is because I have become willing to turn toward my experience instead of running away and distracting myself whenever the slightest insecure tremble rocks my boat.

The Changing-ness of Life

However, there is another element in all this that we need to give attention to. We develop stability, stillness and depth by seeing life as it really is, rather than how we think it should be. In other words, we need to be open to the facts of life – and as we have seen, one of the facts of life, and maybe the most important, is that everything changes. That everything changes is something we can rely on. In other words, we can rely on the awareness that everything changes. Our only certainty, then, is the ‘changing-ness’ of life. This can sound quite depressing, but what is depressing is when we battle and resist the way life is. We try to hold on to loved ones, we try to hold on to our status and reputation, our good name. We try to hold on to anything that gives us pleasure. I know myself when I listen to some good music and there is a great crescendo toward the end, I don’t want it to stop, I want it to keep going. I do not want to let go and be in the gap left by that sound.

Opening to the fact that everything changes allows stability and stillness into our lives. We become stable because we are not relying on our own false views that life will remain the same. We have become comfortable with the fact that everything changes; this also brings stillness to our minds, because we no longer fear the changing-ness of life. This is true stability, stillness and depth.

[JonW]

Excellent stuff, Happy.

[Happy Buddha]

Hi Jon, your an excellent presence on the forum, just wanted to say that. We need people with stability and depth...be well, Suryacitta

[JonW]

Thank you, Suryacitta.
And likewise.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Gareth]

Brilliant as usual Suryacitta. I've quoted you a couple of times for @mindfuleveryday

Can we use this as a blog?

[barbs55]

Yes I think this would make a great blog too, really helpful.

[Happyogababe]

That makes a lot of sense, I have learned much from this post. I have been experiencing the changes that come with turning to face unpleasant sensations (pain included).