Bad people

[steveburns04]

Hello

I was wondering how people use mindfulness to help them with feelings of anger towards those who have wronged you.

Basically someone misled me into doing his work for him for free. After I gave him the work he had a choice of putting my name on the piece of work, there were about 7 authors so it would not have been detrimental to him at all. But he took the selfish option, so I essential wasted 50-60 hours of my life. At the time doing this work distracted me from something I was meant to be doing, and this kept me out of work for 4 months, making his dishonesty even harder to accept (I accept of course I cannot blame him for being distracted).
I just find it hard to accept why someone would be so petty, it would not have affected him at all to add my name and would have really helped me. I am someone who finds it difficult to get over things like this. I had a lot of other quite serious problems at the time and this caused a downward spiral.

Has anyone else used mindfulness as a way to get over when people have wronged you for no reason whatsoever?

[Peter]

Hi SteveBurns,
Welcome to the forum!

Your story is a very common one. These are things that would keep many people occupied. I could tell you that it is in the past and it doesn't matter anymore, but that would probably not help you at all. Mindfulness makes us actually feel that way. There isn't some sort of trick you can apply though. You'd have to invest time to change your perception and your state of being (you'd actually be changing your brain structure). Then when something like this happens, you'd probably be upset too, but a very short time.

Peter

[fabiG]

I can definitely emphasize the way you are feeling towards this person or to other persons in general. Sometimes our best friends/colleagues/etc. act not the way that we would act and, eventually, expect them to act. I'm finding myself in such a similar situation as well as I'm writing this, and to be honest it is putting me off quite severely.

However, and I'm referring to your last sentence, mindfulness has made me to a very high extent more compassionate for other people, also when they are behaving not very nicely towards me. Earlier I saw bad behavior as a sign that they would not like me, so I took it very personally. Now, in contrast, I have realized that on very many occasions these people have worries, anxieties and fears that are related to them and not towards me, and that they just feel bad and maybe act bad towards me because they are feeling bad within themselves and not because I'm shit...

Example: Imagine you are on the bus and you are asking the driver anything (in a normal manner). And suddenly, out of the blue, he reacts very angrily towards you, screams at you and is just being very impolite. When I'm experiencing such a situation, I realize that this fella has probably had a bad day or some issues at work/family/etc. I remain calm and scream not back, but try to finish the conversation as best as I can do and then leave it there, wishing this person well in my thoughts although he was quite impolite towards me...

Through mindfulness I have become more compassionate for other people, and it can be applied to various encounters. Yet, I think this is quite a difficult challenge because, at least I'm speaking for myself here now, I still take some things personally where it is difficult for me to develop a sense of understanding for this particular situation.

[Peter]

Those are a lot of presumptions fabiG. You actually don't know whether those are true. The guy could just as well actually be an evil human being. If you don't intend to help the other person, his motivations really aren't relevant. In any case, don't try to figure out the other person. It is often based on projections, fear, memories etc. If you'd like to know, just ask! Otherwise, just move on.

Peter

[Gareth]

Now, in contrast, I have realized that on very many occasions these people have worries, anxieties and fears that are related to them and not towards me, and that they just feel bad

I think that this is a very good point. It is a wisdom that has become more and more apparent to me over years of practising mindfulness.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't be angry. There aren't many people who wouldn't be angry in these circumstances. Try meditating on your anger. Get curious about it. Where and how does it manifest in your body. Above all, remember that it's OK to be angry. This is a perfectly normal and understandable human emotion.

[Peter]

My feelings about this are quite different. I think a lot of times 'compassion' is used as a way to make oneself feel better. I think it is just as unwise to believe these thoughts as the opposites (hate, fear, etc). There is no need to 'tell yourself something' to make yourself feel better. In cases such as the 'bus driver example', compassion has nothing to do with it. You absolutely don't know what is going on, no need to think of possible reasons, and feel compassionate. You could ask him, and then you could feel compassionate, but that's another story. In these cases, the reason behind it is irrelevant for your own well being.

Peter

[steveburns04]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is just hard to understand why someone would be so selfish. They would not have lost anything and considering the significant amount of work I did for free I don't see why anyone would see it as such as big deal. I would never have done that to anyone, there just seems to be no point. That whole incident and the consequences afterwards have affected me for years. I keep on thinking about the past, and looking at ways it could of been avoided. I just need to find a better thought process I guess and continue with mindfulness.

[Peter]

Good luck Steve!
The only thing I'd like to add is: We can also learn to accept that we don't know why, and it's just something that happened.
Peter

[Happyogababe]

I'm able to let go and accept a little sooner than normal in situations where people have acted unkindly towards me. Though some experiences stick with me like glue and it's a challenge, all I can do then is be mindful and accept that it's just how it is right now and that its OK.

Often the most difficult situations are the ones that I've learned the most from. I have insights into how my mind works at those times, mostly it likes to have things on a continuous loop where once I get to the end of analysing it'll go right back to the beginning.

Mindfulness practice everyday is changing how I react/respond to situations. The more I practice the more I take a step back and observe what is actually happening at the time.

I suppose, if my experience is anything to go by, with regular practice the way I perceive and how I react is changing. Slowly but surely.

Have a good day.

[fabiG]

Those are a lot of presumptions fabiG. You actually don't know whether those are true. The guy could just as well actually be an evil human being. If you don't intend to help the other person, his motivations really aren't relevant. In any case, don't try to figure out the other person. It is often based on projections, fear, memories etc. If you'd like to know, just ask! Otherwise, just move on.
Peter

But the point is that your reaction towards unfriendly persons changes with that. You are right, I don't know what is troubling him, and I don't want to know. But having this in mind helps me to let the injustice towards me just happen. I don't care as I did before, it doesn't trouble me as much as before. And I think one important aspect of relationships is about being compassionate with your partner/friend/etc. Unlike with the bus driver, you have to engage with that behavior. Compassion helps you to first of all to be compassionate with yourself, that means accepting that you might feel angry about something. However, as far as my experience shows, it also helps to deal with arguments much more constructively. How often has an argument resulted of one person saying something unfriendly to another just because he was, let's say, stressed at work? This is not right but it happens. It happens to me. I sometimes reacted not nicely to other persons not because I didn't like them but because I was feeling not so nice inside. With compassion, you don't see comments as an attack towards you, you rather accept that what the person said and deal with it constructively. Of course, this is not the be all and the end all, and some people are just bad. But even then, you can just get over it!

Another example, and I am fairly sure is included in the Finding Peace book (correct me please if not, I couldn't find the page), is the bar example (or street, I don't know exactly) where you are sitting in a bar seeing someone familiar, you greet him and he doesn't greet back. Before mindfulness, I took it very personally (he doesn't like me, etc.) but now I also think additionally that maybe he didn't see me or is lost in thoughts. And, most importantly, I thereby disengage with my own negative commentary and become so much more open to my environment.

The only thing I'd like to add is: We can also learn to accept that we don't know why, and it's just something that happened.

Very nicely put. This is where your autopilot disengages and you are ready to move on. But this is probably the hardest aspect of acceptance, at least for me as a rational person...