So near and so very far

[GirlcalledGed]

I have been meditating for about a year and reading a lot about mindfulness. I did an 8 week online course a year ago and am currently doing weekly kundalini classes.
I still feel like I am circling around the periphery of mindfulness though. It is frustrating and I know non striving is part of it I am still very depressed. So it's hard. I know this is my calling. there is no doubt that I am on my right path but I am stuck. I know what to do but can't do it. such as with food addiction. I am going round in circles. Sick of myself. I know i can be better than this. I have the Williams and penman book but I just can't bring myself to do the course. Seems no point when my eating is anti mindful. I am self sabotaging all the time. Sorry for being so self indulgent, thank you for reading

[Matt Y]

I hear you. This being human can be difficult. And our habits can get the better of us over and over and over again. Our lives go round and round, just like the sun and moon and stars. Sometimes I wonder if they too get bored with the monotony of it all!

[piedwagtail91]

Depression naturally brings low mood and lots and lots of negative thoughts as well as the self attacking, hopeless, pointless feelings.
So what you're feeling is normal.
When you practice kundalini where are your thoughts then?
Are you able to rest awareness on the body sensations and return there when you mind wanders?
You dont have to follow a book or a course to learn to be mindful. Though if you're depressed I'd suggest that you do try. It is recommended.
Sitting with awareness of a flower, animal or any object and returning awareness there when your mind wanders is being mindful.
If the course is too much right now you can still practice by trying something like that.
Notice how that makes you'feel' does it give you some quiet, some peace no matter how short lived?
Practice for a comfortable length of time, don't force things.
A couple of minutes can make a difference and stop the negative, downward spiral.
Practice for longer when it feels right.
Are you able to give more details of your eating problem?
Someone may be able to help.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Question your thoughts, are they facts or just thoughts.
If they're not a fact let them go.
If they are a fact is it possible to take some action to deal with things?
Then they're not a problem.
Take care and come back to the forum
There's a big knowledge base of members.
Someone may be able to help.
Mick

[FeeHutch]

Hello
I can relate too. I am part of the EM team but haven't been around much recently because I have been struggling with depression among other things. Mindfulness is such an important part of my life and has been for several years now but I still find myself stuck in circles too.
What I am trying to say is stick with it and keep posting, you aren't on your own

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you Matt, Mick and Fee.

I think I understand the eating problem pretty well. I know what I need to do about it and I am pretty sure it's what is getting in the way of going forward with mindfulness. i have struggled with addictive eating all my life and it's effects go far beyond unwanted weight. I had it cracked a couple of years ago. Although I didn't understand it as mindfulness it was exactly what I was doing when it came to dealing with the addictive desire. then I somehow lost it. For a couple of different reasons that I can identify and the addictive eating returned. Then I 'found' mindfulness and it felt like I had come home at last. It ties in exactly with what I already know about addictive eating but somehow I just can't tie the two. I have read other books on mindful eating but it's not that I don't know how, I just don't seem able to sustain a mindful relationship with food. Maybe it's because of depression but it's really frustrating. I do accept it as much as I can but it's hard because I just want back what I had! I know it's in me somewhere! I just need to find it. I feel like I will 'know' it when I have got it.

I hope this makes sense. I am not sure how to help myself with it on my own.
Thank you

[piedwagtail91]

Hi.
Do you self attack, judge or criticise yourself when you've eaten?
I'm no expert but could it be that its not about food but about how you treat yourself after eating?
Just a suggestion and I don't mean it to be insulting or patronising.

On a course I worked on we had one woman lose a lot of weight.
She did a lot of comfort eating and by recognising the self attacking after eating she managed to break the eat, feel bad and self attack , eat again cycle and lose weight.
Yours sounds to be more of a problem than comfort eating but I felt I should mention this may in case any of it might help.
Mick

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you mick,
your views are very appreciated, they are in no way patronising. I think I know what you mean. When I was eating mindfully a big part of it is remembering it's my choice. Choosing to feel the unsatisfied desire for the benefits of a healthy relationship with food. Also knowing that when I eat mindlessly that is also my choice, maybe not a good one but down to my free will. That was very liberating. I have lost that skill now. I eat mindlessly and addictively. I do not feel in control or that it's a choice. I am driven by an addictive desire and I attack myself for it because I know I am stronger than this. I am not sure if I properly accepted the addictive eating and it's consequences. That's the first step really, like you said, it's not even about the food it's about how I feel about it and myself. I need to choose the addictive eating without hating and judging myself or wanting it to be means to an end. Harder than it sounds but thanks

[piedwagtail91]

you've got it.
you can't not eat because you need to eat to survive, it feels to me like it's not so much food but you at war with yourself.
the thoughts and judgements are the weak link,not so weak ,i know but they're the way to go.
as you know it's not easy.
have you tried any self compassion meditations to help with your 'inner voice' to begin to change that to a slightly more compassionate one?

not feeling bad about the eating, even if it's overeating will gradually let you feel less judgemental about yourself and maybe begin to turn that spiral the other way,

this is a link to kristin neffs self compassion practices, http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
she knows her stuff.
you may not be ready for self compassion yet but keep it as a bookmark.

this is a link to a website that sends an email on weekdays,http://innerpilotlight.com/
it's how your 'inner voice' can talk to you with practice, the emails are a daily reminder to show yourself compassion and kindness.
depending where you're at you may not be ready for this yet.
you may want to throw your laptop/phone/ tablet across the room when you read the sample of what you get , so be warned and be careful
see what you think.
don't push yourself, one step at a time is plenty.
don't try to 'get back' where you were, that's the past ,it can't be done.
don't look into the future, it's unknown and just thoughts.
make a fresh start now in the present one step at a time.
take care
mick

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you mick,
I understand what you mean. I have signed up for the inner light thing and started reading kristen neff's book. I can't bring myself to meditate on it. I have done the loving kindness Jon kabat zinn meditation a few times before. I read half of Sharon saltzberg. I feel completely stuck now though. Addictive eating is up. I am really lost and confused and trying to just be with that but it's never ending. I can't get a grip on anything. Maybe self kindness will start to turn the spiral (a lovely concept, thank you). I just don't know how. Can't start. Scared stiff and stuck and not sure why. sorry and thank you

[piedwagtail91]

No need to apologise.
If you can, try letting go off the thoughts that are scaring you and see if you can become aware of what that scared feels like in your body. Where do you feel it? What does it feel like? Does it shift or change?
When the thoughts come back don't be hard on yourself, they're only trying to help. But all the same try to let them go and return to the feelings in your body.

Try this only for a very short time at first
.
Sometimes when you practice this way the emotion, even scary ones, can fade in a minute or two.
Start small and build both with your emotions and self kindness.
No judging
Mick