Why is it that people stop meditating?

[monkey]

I slack off for various reasons. Time is a big one, probably there are moments in the day I could practice, but they are at times when I'm tired and woozy. I also start to feel like the practice is just one more thing that needs doing, like the dishes, writing cards to people etc. And I find it uncomfortable, sometimes physically, more often mentally - I feel I'm not good at it, I can't sit for longer than ten minutes some days. I'm trying to soften to it, and see it as a time away from the lists but sometimes it's difficult.

[piedwagtail91]

This came up on Facebook. It might be slightly off topic as it tackles the reasons most people give for not mediating.

http://www.yogajournal.com/article/how- ... xperience/

[monkey]

I've come back to this because I've now made a decision to stop meditating, rather than just falling off the wagon. This is for two reasons.

Firstly, that I found it hard to see the sitting practice as anything other than one more task. I would wake up early to sit and then my daughter would wake up and instead of being able to be there with her as we started our day and I made our coffee / milk, I found myself preoccupied with when I was going to find the time to sit, if only she hadn't woken up, how stressed I was going to get if I couldn't establish a daily sitting practice. I decided that as I couldn't establish a calmer attitude to it I would let go of the idea of a sitting practice and instead pay attention to whatever was happening here and now.

Secondly, I struggled with a lot of negative self talk and I found that trying to accept this and let it be just fed it and made it increasingly bitter and upsetting. I was at a creative evening class which I enjoy last week and nearly cried with the onslaught of rubbish which my brain produced. I need to be able to say 'shut up' to this stuff. I am trying to be accepting of feelings and letting thoughts be in my daily life, but I also need to be able to dismiss clearly wrong headed thoughts before they have space to grow.

It's fine so far, and I feel much more able to be with what's happening. I just wanted to post because I wonder if other people also choose consciously not to meditate, rather than just not managing to keep on with it.

[jdandre]

Hi monkey, sorry to hear about your struggles with meditation.

A lot of them could be remedied with proper instruction, though. I don't know your background or how you learned, but your post reflects several things that experienced teachers/reputable resources can help clear up.

I'll comment on a few things - it's a bit of a long response, but I encourage you to read it all as what I say at the bottom about the "task" aspect is important.

I'll start with this:

I need to be able to say 'shut up' to this stuff. I am trying to be accepting of feelings and letting thoughts be in my daily life, but I also need to be able to dismiss clearly wrong headed thoughts before they have space to grow.

While I wouldn't call it dismiss (I use let go), mindfulness and meditation gives you the ability to stop thoughts from "growing." Meditation teaches you not to follow your mind down the path that culminates in thoughts on top of thoughts on top of thoughts (and emotions on top of emotions on top of emotions) - a feeding frenzy, if you will.

Identifying with your thoughts causes you to get pulled down into that pit of despair where you feel that you're drowning in everything the mind produces. Breaking that identification is the goal of meditation.

This ties into what you said about accepting. Consider this: accepting isn't something you do, it's what's left after you stop fighting with your mind and your thoughts. Fighting with your mind and your thoughts is identifying with them - it's being caught up in them, labeling them, judging them, and trying to get certain ones to stop.

Based on what you wrote, you are very much caught up in your thoughts:

I was at a creative evening class which I enjoy last week and nearly cried with the onslaught of rubbish which my brain produced.

But, thoughts are just thoughts. Meditation teaches you that you don't need to stop them. You don't even need to worry about what they are - drop the labels of good and bad, and the judgment that says "this is a positive thought" or "that is a negative thought."

The labels and judgment that you associate with thoughts cause you to suffer, not the thoughts themselves. This is a hard thing for most people to accept, but it's true nonetheless. Through meditation, you learn to view everything that arises with equanimity. You learn to stop chasing what you label good/positive, and running away from what you label bad/negative.

Meditation also allows you to see the temporary nature of thoughts and all mind-made activity - it comes and it goes. What makes it seem permanent is our need to cling to certain things and push away others. Those attachments propagate the very things you want to "let go" of.

This quote from Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche may help: "When a rainbow appears vividly in the sky, you can see its beautiful colors, yet you could not wear it as clothing, or put it on as an ornament. It arises through the conjunction of various factors, but there is nothing about it that can be grasped. Likewise, thoughts that arise in the mind have no tangible existence or intrinsic solidity. There is no logical reason why thoughts, which have no substance, should have so much power over you, nor is there any reason why you should become their slave."

One last thing on this subject: don't try to suppress thoughts and emotions by telling your mind to "shut up." If you do, they'll find another outlet. They'll manifest in a short temper, an unhappy demeanor, or even health problems.

Next, I want to address this:

I found it hard to see the sitting practice as anything other than one more task.

That's exactly what it is - you even use the word "practice" in what you called it. Meditation is a dedicated, focused exercise that allows you to develop a skill. That skill is observing your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it.

But, it's only half the equation. If you don't apply the skill you develop while meditating to your "non-meditating" time, you won't see any of the benefits. This act of applying the skill is mindfulness.

The ultimate goal for me is to be mindful in everything I do - whether it's work, play, or being with loved ones.

Here's another way to look at it - we are all in one of two states at any given time:

(1.) We are lost in thoughts, emotions, urges, and stories - identifying with them, fighting them, and letting our minds drag us around; or
(2.) We are aware of what's happening, and we aren't identifying with - or caught up in - the mental drama.

Most of us spend the largest portion of our lives in the first state. Meditation trains you to be able to move to the second state; mindfulness allows you to apply that training so you actually get there.

In meditation, you have an anchor (your breath or a mantra, usually) that you return your focus to when you notice your mind has wandered. In mindfulness, you also have an anchor - the present moment. If you notice your mind has wandered and you are dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, return to here and now.

In both cases, observe and return - over and over and over. It takes consistent practice and effort to reverse a lifetime of conditioning that has seen your mind "in control," for lack of a better phrase.

On the topic of being mindful throughout your day, I actually wrote a short article that may be helpful. You can find it here.

Most important, if you decide to give meditation another go, I encourage you to find a good resource and/or teacher to help. I assume that since you came back to post here, there is some part of you that's still interested?

Regardless of what you choose to do, I wish you the best on your continued journey.

[monkey]

Thank you Jon. You are right with both your points. I get very hung up on the technique and it becomes oppressive to me, and just something else to get caught up in. Same for how long, where, when I should sit. It's just another set of requirements I can't quite manage. I would like to be able to feel freer about it, but I switch technique and it's more spacious for a while and then the same old crap comes along again. I did sit for ten minutes today and just felt how my body was and my breath and listened to what sounds there were. That seems ok and the shifting means I don't get too tense about it but then I feel like it's not doing it 'properly' because I have two or three changing focuses.

I would very much like to find a teacher. I have practised yoga for years and recently I did the 8 week course from the Mark Williams book and it was great, but I feel like what I need is an ongoing regular group where people sit and then talk about their experience of that and their practice. The only ones I can find are Buddhist and I'm an atheist and find the dharma talks which accompany the sitting difficult to listen to. Otherwise there are other right week courses, but they will start from the beginning again. Thanks again for your post. It is very helpful.

[Dodoman]

I have been practicing now for about 8 months but have weeks where I stop I dont know why because whenn I do have a session i feel wonderful. I keep a diary and I always write " why do I miss meditation as I feel so relaxed soat one with myself and with everything around me" I plan to do a session now after writing this.
My son is in prison for stress related crime and he has also taken up meditation and I must say he sounds so chilled which makes me so happy as I love him so much. We both suffer ptsd and find it difficult in social situations. I only wish we new about meditation years ago as I know it would of helped us with our illness. I am glad to have joined the site. Hope to meet like minded folks on here. So thank you for receiving me.

[JonW]

Hi Dodoman,
Welcome to the forum. Please make yourself at home here.
I look forward to conversing with you.
All good things,
Jon

[FeeHutch]

Welcome Dodoman
I find myself thinking the same as you, I wonder if it's part of being human. I always feel better when I eat healthily, drink plenty of water and exercise as much as I am able too and yet knowing that and having experienced that is not always enough to prompt me into making the best choice for me.

I also find the times I most need my regular practice are the times I tend to fall away from it. I keep practicing and that's the main thing for me, to keep going

[mostlymindfulmommy]

Hi Monkey! I absolutely resonate with your conscious decision to stop meditating. After months of beating myself up for no longer meditating for 45+ min a day, I made the same decision. It's a little better explained in this post I wrote, 5 Ways to Practice Mindfulness (even with kids around): http://mostlymindfulmommy.com/5-ways-to ... ds-around/

I do believe that mindful parenting is a practice within itself. I also believe that it would be very difficult to practice only this without the years of foundational work I'd done, though not impossible. I also still enjoy sitting when I can, even if for just 5 minutes, or even if it's just the few minutes of quiet I find during Savasana when I take yoga twice a week.

I'm a firm believer in someone figuring out what works for them, so as long as you are truly gaining benefits, keep at it! I've run into a surprising number of adults lately who do adult coloring books, and they hadn't thought of it as a meditation type practice, but it really is and that's why they find it "calming", or "theraputic" as they've described it in their words.

Just never stop playing devil's advocate either - questioning your own motives and whether you are just refusing to sit out of fear, etc. As long as we view ourselves as an ongoing experiment we will never stop learning!

[Gareth]

Welcome Katy!

Love your blog. Mindfulness improves virtually every single interaction that I have with my children. They came into the world at the same time as I started practising. They have been my greatest teacher, and I believe that they will the ones who have most to gain from my practice.

Put a link to your blog in your signature. People can then follow through from the replies that you give to topics.

Feel free to start topics too and link to your blog from there. I am always sharing these topics from Twitter.