Going backwards...

[piedwagtail91]

that's exactly how i felt a few years ago, all that life wasted.
i used to spend every day worrying about the next one, filling it full of evidence from yesterdays bad day.
i've lost count of the number of times i've walked through a local woods and not even seen a tree because i've been too involved with my thoughts.
i use that as a practice sometimes, going to the woods for a mindful walk, taking in as much as i can, i don't get very far but i experience a lot.
i can now see all that lost time as a learning experience and not let it spoil what today holds for me.

[Isabel]

It's amazing just how screwed up and alone you can feel inside without anyone else knowing or seeing. These are the reasons I need to help myself. Other people can't. I have been stuck on mindfulness as I can get stuck on anything.... anything. No amount of rule-making, reassurance-seeking and compensating is really what helps me come unstuck. I want to let go of everything because I have been so stuck for so long.

[JonW]

Mindfulness can be tough work, especially at the beginning.
Many of us come to mindfulness because, at some level, we have realised that the way we are living our lives has become unsustainable. As we begin the practice we can become far more sensitised to how unhappy we really are.
Sticking with the practice often takes great courage.
It's taken a lot of courage for you to come this far with it. Be curious about the fact that how you stand in relation to your own story has already shifted.
Jon

[FeeHutch]

I know I came to mindfulness after a life of trying anything and everything to avoid accepting unpleasant thoughts and sensations. It's not easy I know. The past can't be changed though but you are trying to look after yourself right now and that is such a positive thing.

[piedwagtail91]

It's amazing just how screwed up and alone you can feel inside without anyone else knowing or seeing. These are the reasons I need to help myself. Other people can't. I have been stuck on mindfulness as I can get stuck on anything.... anything. No amount of rule-making, reassurance-seeking and compensating is really what helps me come unstuck. I want to let go of everything because I have been so stuck for so long.

it sounds like you want to 'lose that mask', (It's amazing just how screwed up and alone you can feel inside without anyone else knowing or seeing.)the one you hope people see, the one that takes so much effort to put on but seems pointless to you? (I want to let go of everything because I have been so stuck for so long)

that's a good thing, you can see it, a lot of people can't.
it takes a lot to make that first step into what can be a big unknown and "let go of everything" but when you do make it things can be so much easier for you.

good luck when you do let go and take that step forwards.
mick

[monkey]

I am rubbish today. I am constantly checking my emails and being, well, rubbish. Ranting at myself and my very-absent boyfriend, struggling with what to eat, when to eat, trapped feelings, inability to ever ever ever go travelling/leave the country/have a holiday. Not doing anything I wanted to do and not relaxing. Body and its feelings are getting in the way, plus coldness, stressed arms, angry energy, throwing things. That's all just lists of stuff. Anyway, put on a ten minute practice, ended up sobbing/ranting blah blah blah. It seems I can't be mindful if no one else cares that I am. If I'm doing it only for myself, I can't do it... I don't deserve it... as is evident from whatever.

Hello. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment, it sounds really tough. Your post above struck a chord with me because you seem to be so hard on yourself. That's something I've realised about myself as well since starting the mindfulness, and I think those feelings of self criticism and not being good enough have felt stronger, not because they ARE stronger but just because I've actually recognised them for the first time. But, as my yoga teacher says, you are enough just as you are. There are various programmes and books about mindful self compassion and learning to be kind to yourself - I bought one and have started to read it now and am finding it helpful. Perhaps that might help you too?

[monkey]

Sorry, I didn't see the other pages! Hope what I've posted is still relevant though.

[Isabel]

All I am is fear-of-dying. I don't try to be mindful. Perhaps because I don't want to be fooled again, into thinking everything might be ok. It isn't and it never will be, that is the situation we find ourselves in. It's absurd. We can't change it.
I'd like to be alone less. I really struggle to find anything in myself I like at the moment. I move on Friday.

[piedwagtail91]

you won't be fooled by mindfulness, eventually it'll help you see things more clearly.

this is a pretty useful quote ,
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

it's difficult, but practice can help.
mick

[Son_of_Thunder23]

Isabel,
There is nothing to fear. The reason why the mindfulness practice is not working for you is made clear in your initial post. You mentioned that you are "not carrying on the practice". I am sure that while you were practicing mindfulness you felt some kind of relief from anxiety. Maybe not a miraculous type of relief, but relief nonetheless. It's crucial that you just stick with it and make it "regular". The science of how this works will work for everyone. Unless you suffer from some severe mental health problem where your ability to focus is completely hindered, then it might not work. But from the sounds of things all you have is anxiety and this anxiety is made worse by the irrational fears we make up in our minds. Mindfulness will work for you. I am not just saying this just to make you feel better. I am saying it because the mind has the ability to rewire itself and mindfulness is a great way to achieve that. The only other way is "diversion", but then again when I think about it, mindfulness is a type of diversion because it allows you to escape your racing mind and be in the present moment. All you have to do is get into the habit of practicing mindfulness each day. It's been said that it takes anywhere from 21 days to 3 months for something to become a habit. I wish you the best. You can do this!