Cultivating awareness

[stavros16]

Hi guys, hope everyone is well.

It's been a while since I posted on here but I've come back to mindfulness practice after getting involved with an MBCT course local to me and am hoping to give it a better shot this time.

I'm currently 4 weeks in to an 8 week course and am getting the (hopefully common) concern that I am one of maybe a small minority of people that this mindfulness business just won't work for.

Now I know I should not be concerned with how others in the group may be developing but it's hard not to feel like I may be doing something wrong when I hear other people talk about their moving/floaty/tingly/uplifting/liberating/bubbly experiences. It could just be someone with an active imagination but when they said they experienced a rush of bubbles through the body whilst we did a guided body scan in class I couldn't help but feel I wanted a piece of that!

My experience is mostly that of indifference and neutrality so I wanted to get peoples views on how to initially focus during meditations and then ultimately how this evolves/transforms into awareness.

When I focus on sensations in my left ankle for example, I will picture the body part in my imagination so there is an image of the area in my mind's eye, my eyeballs may even tilt in that direction even though my eyes are shut, then my inner dialogue will state 'I feel warmth' or 'there are no sensations here'. I wonder if I'm trying too hard to get it right as it's all very clinical and I'm concerned this could be having a detrimental effect on my practice.

Does this make any sense or am I really on my own? When I think of cultivating awareness, the use of the word 'cultivating', to me, would suggest it will take a lot of practice and has to be developed. Does this development start with my sort of focussing/concentrating and then gradually evolves into awareness like a skill one would acquire over time or does the penny simply drop one day? (don't know why I'm picturing Neo in The Matrix)

[piedwagtail91]

Hi stavros16
from what you've said about what you'felt - the warmth and absence of sensation' during the body scan it seems about right to me . It's about being aware of and feeling rather than thinking about the sensations in the body.noticing how they can shift and change as you hold them in awareness. As you do this your mind will wander . It's about becoming aware of that as well and then returning your awareness to the body without feeling bad about the mind wander.
It's not about having wonderful experience, though that may happen, it's about being aware of whatever sensations you can feel in that moment.
The thoughts you're having are quite normal in week 4. They are just thoughts.
You're right not to compare yourself to the others.everyone will have a different experience and that experience will be different every time the body scan is practiced.

Mick

[JonW]

Hi stavros16,
Good to see you back here.
It's not uncommon for people to ask themselves "Is this for me?" during the course. I've heard it said that the average drop-out rate on 8-week courses averages out at around 20%. So I guess many people decide, for whatever reason, that mindfulness is not for them after giving it a whirl.
But there's something about mindfulness that draws you back. You've enrolled on a course. Perhaps on a more subtle level, it's benefitting you. Be curious about that and, as Mick says, worry less about how others are experiencing the practice. This is about your experience.
It might also be worth reminding yourself that the aim is not to "get" mindfulness in these eight weeks. The course is intended to provide you with a firm grounding in mindfulness practice. You have the rest of your life to explore the possibilities that arise in those eight weeks. Patience is as key as practice.
As Saki Santorelli writes in Heal Thy Self, "Mindfulness is bringing a fullness of attention to whatever is occurring…and attention is not the same as thinking." Wise words.
I hope the course works out for you. As ever, you're more than welcome to share your experiences on this forum.
All best,
Jon, Hove

[Matt Y]

Hi Stavros.

I'm currently 4 weeks in to an 8 week course and am getting the (hopefully common) concern that I am one of maybe a small minority of people that this mindfulness business just won't work for.

Even experienced meditators doubt what they are doing from time to time. Sometimes I'll be diligently meditating away, and the thought will arise: "What am I doing wasting my time here sitting on my butt, I could be..."

Now I know I should not be concerned with how others in the group may be developing but it's hard not to feel like I may be doing something wrong when I hear other people talk about their moving/floaty/tingly/uplifting/liberating/bubbly experiences. It could just be someone with an active imagination but when they said they experienced a rush of bubbles through the body whilst we did a guided body scan in class I couldn't help but feel I wanted a piece of that!

The grass is always greener. Each of those bubbly folks is probably wishing they were having some experience they heard about too. Of course, it's only natural to want something better. You don't have to berate yourself for wanting. Just recognise this habit of mind when it arises.

When I focus on sensations in my left ankle for example, I will picture the body part in my imagination so there is an image of the area in my mind's eye, my eyeballs may even tilt in that direction even though my eyes are shut, then my inner dialogue will state 'I feel warmth' or 'there are no sensations here'. I wonder if I'm trying too hard to get it right as it's all very clinical and I'm concerned this could be having a detrimental effect on my practice.

This is a good description of mindfulness. You are aware of:

* the sensations in your ankles
* your imagination supporting or augmenting your perceptions
* your inner dialogues

There is no right or wrong. There is just what there is. You notice whatever you notice.

Does this make any sense or am I really on my own?

You are most certainly not on your own!

When I think of cultivating awareness, the use of the word 'cultivating', to me, would suggest it will take a lot of practice and has to be developed. Does this development start with my sort of focussing/concentrating and then gradually evolves into awareness like a skill one would acquire over time or does the penny simply drop one day?

Awareness is a normal and natural function. You can't be alive and not be aware. That said, in mindfulness circles awareness tends to take on a slightly idealised meaning. For example, when awareness is used, it usually refers to awareness of specific things, such as awareness of the breath, body, sounds, thoughts or emotions in 'real' time, as opposed to some time later. Personally, I don't think it matters a great deal whether you are aware in the present moment, or some time after. It's still awareness. Either way, with practice, you become more aware; but this may not necessarily be because you have developed some kind of awareness muscle, but simply because you have spent many hours looking into the various aspects of your experience.

Matt.

[Gareth]

Hi Stavros, good to see you back again.

There's really nothing that I can add to Matt's wonderful reply.

I'd just like to re-address the point about you thinking that other people on the course are having a "better" experience than you, or are somehow getting it more than you.

It's just more thinking. It may be that in reality, they are struggling with certain things too. There is no way of getting inside their heads and truly knowing. These kind of thoughts are natural and normal; they come to us every day of our lives. Remember that they aren't necessarily true.

Is there a Q&A session as part of the group? Why don't you bring this up there, if you feel able? I'm sure that the answers you get from the teacher and the rest of the group will help you.

[stavros16]

Thanks for your responses guys, it will definitely help to take some pressure off and that's the last thing I want from my experience so this will be a big help.

Looking back on what I wrote I can see I have been thinking too deeply about whether I'm practising correctly and over-analysing is never healthy but unfortunately that's the state of mind I am currently in.

I think there's something to say about style when it comes to meditation and we probably all have different ways of practising. For example I could imagine some people, when focussing on the body and it's sensations, may view the body from afar like they have stepped away from it whereas others may not have any imagery in their minds but simply have a general awareness of the area .

I guess I was trying to decipher what was the best style to use and whether the best meditators out there all had a similar method. I can see that I'm going off on one again and I think the answer is probably that we are all different and our experience is our experience but I hope you can see why I'm querying this. If you wanted to become an actor you want to learn how De Niro practices not how Schwarzenegger does!

I think I may have got confused thinking there was a difference between awareness and focus and I was imagining awareness to be something you could attain with enough practice. I can now see that we can all bring awareness/focus/attention to sensations, sounds etc and we all do it in our own unique ways. I hope I've got it right now.

[Matt Y]

Yes Stavros, sounds like you've got a fairly good idea of how to proceed.
I'd question the idea that the best meditators all do the same thing though. Certainly, they probably share habits of mind; however, you might also consider; do the best athletes all wear the same size shoes?

And with regard to focus and awareness. A really simple way to distinguish the two:
Focus is like a spotlight, awareness is like a floodlight.

Matt.