Going backwards...

[Isabel]

I completed an 8 week Mindfulness course just before christmas. Now I'm going backwards. I think it works but I'm not carrying on the practice. It's like some sort of self-sabotage. I have struggled with anxiety for a long time and I find life to be a sad situation in general. (Horrible things can happen and we can't stop them.) Mindfulness was helping but when I first started it was really hard. I've now made changes in my life I'd be wanting to make for a long time but was unable due to fear. It feels like no one cares that I've done it. Before christmas I was working 4 days a week, attending mindfulness course weekly and seeing my partner most weekends. Because of the changes I've made, at present I have none of that. It's like anxiety is taking hold again. (I have left my job and am intending to move to a new town.) Just looking to feel supported really, and less alone.

[JonW]

Hi Isabel,
Welcome to the mindfulness community.
I have emailed you with some ideas.
Best wishes,
Jon

[piedwagtail91]

hi isabel
i don't think you're going backwards.
a lot of people that i've been on numerous mindfulness courses with feel a bit like this 4-8 weeks after finishing the course.
some don't experience it but some do.
sometimes it's been compared to getting a new phone, thinking it's the best phone ever and then after 4 or 5 weeks finding it still only sends messages, makes calls and gets you on the internet, it feels a bit flat.

you've made changes in your life that you couldn't do before, that's a big step.change can be frightening but you've done it.
some credit due there
right now life is happening, the waves of life experiences are rolling in.
you've said that know you can't stop that, learning to surf those waves takes time.
moving house or to another town is a major life experience, but you're doing it.

although practice may seem a bit pointless(?) it's the best thing to do, noticing thoughts and letting them go.

the only person that's important in all of this is you and you know what you've achieved - a lot - you're doing really well.
you're aware and that's important.

try to keep a regular practice, it will help even if it is difficult.
from your post you do seem very aware, you know what's real, you're taking on a heck of a lot at the moment, be kind to yourself, you're the best person to help you, if you can get yourself on your side!
don't be too hard on yourself.
best wishes
mick

[Isabel]

Thank you mick, and jon.

[Gareth]

Meditation can be hard sometimes, because life can be hard sometimes. My experience of it though is that it's always beneficial in the long run. If I keep meditating then the difficult times seem to move along more quickly.

Just remember that it won't always be this difficult.

[Isabel]

I am rubbish today. I am constantly checking my emails and being, well, rubbish. Ranting at myself and my very-absent boyfriend, struggling with what to eat, when to eat, trapped feelings, inability to ever ever ever go travelling/leave the country/have a holiday. Not doing anything I wanted to do and not relaxing. Body and its feelings are getting in the way, plus coldness, stressed arms, angry energy, throwing things. That's all just lists of stuff. Anyway, put on a ten minute practice, ended up sobbing/ranting blah blah blah. It seems I can't be mindful if no one else cares that I am. If I'm doing it only for myself, I can't do it... I don't deserve it... as is evident from whatever.

[Isabel]

I can't do it and it doesn't work.

[Gareth]

I'm sorry you're finding it tough Isabel.

I honestly mean it when I say that anyone can do this. I hope you can stick it out and stay with us.

[JonW]

"I can't do it and it doesn't work."

Sorry to hear that.
I guess mindfulness is not for everyone. Or maybe you need to catch it when the time is right for you.
Best wishes,
Jon

[Isabel]

I don't like the idea that it's not for everyone. Although, right now I think it's maybe got some dangers. It's not a person. It's a thing. If other people believe in me, I can do it. When they don't, I can't. I've gone right off myself.