Fell off the wagon

[Vixine]

Well it happened, again. Life got really stressful and I got focused on other things, and my practice dropped away. Looking back at my journal, I realize now it was over 2 weeks that I did not meditate, and I can tell the difference. I am more stressed, less focused, not sleeping as well, not taking care of myself as well, and now I'm coming down with a cold! These are probably due to a combination of factors but I feel confident that letting my practice slide has made this time more difficult than it would have if I had continued to practice regularly.

Does anyone else have this struggle with the tendency to become 'mindless' again? Was there something that helped you stay with it? I have heard a lot of you say that once you started, it was so good for you that you never looked back. I have not had that experience yet.

I went back to week one of the 8-week course yesterday. I listened to the guided meditation and it felt very comforting to me, like an old friend. I guess all I have to do is make sure I practice every day again, and the rest will follow.

[FeeHutch]

I've struggled to maintain my practice before during very difficult times and had a very similar experience to you I think. When I become mindful of the fact I'm not being mindful (:D) I just pick it up again.
I think starting the course again could help. I felt like returning to it with a beginners mind has given me a new perspective as well as providing that comfort you refer too. Please feel free to post on the threads in the mindfulness courses forum

[JonW]

It's easily done, Vixine. Sometimes the best we can do is to "fail better", as Samuel Beckett put it.
The important thing is not to be hard on yourself. The fact that you are aware that your practice has lapsed is part of the practice.
All good things, Jon

[Gareth]

Hi Vixine,

I was starting to worry that you had fallen off the wagon completely and weren't coming back to us - it's great to see a post from you.

In the spirit of mindfulness, let's not ruminate about the last couple of weeks and try to work out reasons why you didn't meditate - you just didn't. The good thing is that you have been able to identify areas in your life that have suffered because of the lack of practice. So why don't you start practising again and see if these areas of your life start to improve?

I think it was a little bit different for me; I was off work due to MS and I had plenty of time in which I could meditate. Over time, the benefits slowly began to creep up on me, as my brain began to change. The benefits are still deepening as time goes on. I am more relaxed than a year ago, and I was pretty relaxed back then. Every mind is different don't forget, some will take longer than others to change and some will change in different ways. My advice is the same that I would give to anyone: keep practising.

This may help you: I think of meditation as a time provider not a time consumer. There are so many times during a day that I notice my mind following a train of thought that is pointless and I bring it back to what I am doing; I am therefore much more productive. The better sleeping is all time gained too. When you add these things up it comes to much more than the half hour a day I spend in meditation. This is without even considering all the wellbeing benefits that also come with continued practice. I view my meditation as the most important thing I do in any given day, because it gives life to every other thing I do in a given day.

[Vixine]

Thanks for the support guys. Life is still going to be crazy busy in the next three weeks - garage sale, moving, going out of town twice... yikes - but I'm going to do my best each day to take even a little bit of time to practice. Today is my third day back.

I do have to say, other times I've forgotten my practice it has been more a matter of many months rather than just a couple of weeks, so this is progress I suppose. I caught myself before it was 6 months down the road and I had to ''start over". Right now I feel almost like I can pick up where I left off. I'll try to stay connected with this group too because I think that is helpful.

[JonW]

All that Gareth said. Spot on.
Great posts, Vixine. It's posts like those that remind me that I might be more mindful.

[monkeymind]

Hello,

I don't mean to hijack this thread but falling off the wagon is exactly what happened to me too.
I had a few days away, friends over for a few days, and a few evenings with (alcoholic) drinks after work. These are all things that get in the way between me and meditation.

But I think in the long run its still something I want to come back to and absorb more fully into my life. I'm not sure I can turn entirely tea-total for it but I'll do my best.

[bimbabruna]

Hi Vixine,

for me it took me a lot of time to know it's as important to fall off the wagon than to not fall off the wagon. All simptoms are so strong that it seems you can't fight the idea that it's your fault for not being mindful. But it's just an idea full of story, emotions, very real. Don't believe the guilt, just observe it. Everytime you have the intention to return to the awareness is a victory. If you remember, you're not lost. This is not a degree, nor a carreer, everytime you're there, you're there.

[BioSattva]

Does anyone else have this struggle with the tendency to become 'mindless' again? Was there something that helped you stay with it? I have heard a lot of you say that once you started, it was so good for you that you never looked back. I have not had that experience yet.

I have had your experience many many times. I am stubborn about changing my habits and my monkey mind has been clever at tricking me into thinking I have things all wrapped up - that I don't have to practice so much, etc. I think the process of losing one's discipline is somewhat like thinking about certain things during formal meditation - after a while it just gets old and boring, and the uselessness of thinking or allowing one's practice to slip becomes ever more apparent in one's life (getting a cold or feeling anxious more often, or whatever). The practice can naturally deepen and grow in this way, in my experience, and before long it just embeds itself. Positive Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, in one of his Harvard lectures, talked about a time when he told a meditation teacher that he didn't think he needed to meditate every day. The teacher asked him if he brushed his teeth every day, and Tal said "Yes", after which the teacher said "Well daily mindfulness meditation is also necessary for good hygiene - mental hygiene". I do think this is the case. In the old Chinese meditation manual 'The Secret of the Golden Flower', I recall it says "If one does not meditate for a day, one is a ghost for a day" - I often remembered that when my daily practice failed.

We have to test the value of these things in our lives, though, since it's dangerous to just blindly follow advice which deeply alters our subconscious behaviours, and seeing as formal mindfulness meditation is the most difficult thing in the world to practice correctly, then it's going to be necessary to wrestle with it more than, say, learning how to speak another language.

The fact that you are recognising that you "fell off the wagon" means that you never actually fell off - it was just a step away to get some perspective on the practice that you never actually dropped. Just because the sculptor puts down his tools for a time and goes in another room, doesn't mean his subconscious has stopped sculpting. On another thread here I posted the famous quote from the Buddha saying one must see the value of the practice for oneself - scientifically, not on hearsay or in blind faith. Part of having dignity and self-compassion is to be sure that these practices are worthwhile and effective, otherwise who knows what delusion or quackery one will subject oneself to. From this perspective you didn't fall off the wagon, you momentarily jumped off because you love yourself and want to make sure you are making these deep changes to your life for the right reasons.

Looking back at my 'failures' I can see this angle now, and I can see how they can be termed 'successes' of sorts - they laid the foundation for the daily discipline I have been enjoying - kind of like compost that feeds the flowers in my garden of practice. Bob Marley's lyrics "You can't run away from yourself", and such talk becomes more and more profound as one realises there are no shortcuts or 'essential insights' that will stand in for daily formal mindfulness practice - but as I said, I had to learn the hard way over many years.

[rara]

Yes! In fact, I began meditating because my career path leads me to great stress and exhaustion due to lots of last minute bookings and traveling.

I tweeted EDM the other day and Gareth thought I'd fallen off too. I was merely just pointing out how difficult it is to stay focused when tired (been on a huge work binge...I'm heavily sleep deprived, even as I write this)

I suggest looking into spot meditations for when you know you can't get to the cushion. These saved my a***!