Letting go?

[Elisa]

Hi all

I've been meditating on and off for a bit more than a year now, but got quite serious again over the last 3 months and feeling very happy about it. Still, I realise it's babysteps. I always look forward to my daily practice though, that's not the problem.

Yesterday the meditation was about letting go. Rationally I understand everything about the benefits of being able to let go of what you can't change. But in reality...

I work in the student administration of a university and this time of year is always extremely busy. I have to make sure to get all the grades so I can register them before a certain date. Otherwise students won't get correct information about their results.

Thing is that the teachers drive me crazy. They don't give me the info in time, every year they forget how those things work, they don't do their own input - "the program is not working" - but send me a file for me to do it...

For me it is extremely hard not to get livid about all this. I think their behaviour is so disrespectful. They make me feel very frustrated and then I think of letting go and I laugh. How does one do this, I wonder? "If you can't change it, let it go". But in the meantime I feel like a doormat sometimes. If I'd let go, I'd give in, that's how I feel.

On the other hand I DO realise that I can't change it. And it's not just this job, it's everywhere where people have to work/deal with people.

But okay, well: how do you do this? I am really curious.

Have a good day.

[JonW]

Hi Elisa,
Great question.
Firstly, are you absolutely certain that this situation is unchangeable? Have you mentioned the problems to anyone? Have you brought it up in meetings?
If you are sure that the situation is going to remain how it is, then it might be worth bringing to mind the Serenity Prayer, as used in AA:
'‘The grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed. The courage to change the things that should be changed. The wisdom to distinguish one from the other.’
There's a lot of mindfulness in that prayer.
When we come up against situations that cause us pain or discomfort, situations that we know are unchangeable, then the first step is to accept that they are unchangeable. Then the question arises: 'How can we best live with that which is unchangeable?'
We can simply be aware whenever thoughts and feelings about the situation arise. We can be curious about our reactions to the situation. We can start to see the futility of telling ourselves, 'It shouldn't be like this.' If this is how it has to be, then can we simply be with that, accepting that it is far from perfect.
Turning Towards Difficulty meditations can be very useful here. In befriending difficulty, turning kindly towards it without judgment, rather than turning away from it, we facilitate both immediate and longer-term effects. In the short term we begin to see how quick and keen we are to avoid dealing with the unpleasant in our lives. We become more attuned to the way negative thoughts give birth to anxious feelings which, in turn, give birth to disagreeable body sensations. And vice versa.
With practice, we can gently and skilfully undo the habitual reactions that seem to cause us so much suffering.
In the longer term, we develop more skillful ways of relating to troublesome experiences.
Let us know how you get on.
All good things,
Jon

[Elisa]

Hi Jon, thanks for your reply.

Well, I told the head of department in a friendly yet quite firm way that I'm more than prepared to offer support and help out but that I don't want to be taken for granted. That's how I felt last week. I also suggested that her staff take a new course on how to deal with grades administration (they should be able to). She was very sympathetic and said I was more than right. But years of experience there have thought me that it usually stops with understanding. You'd expect it to be followed by action but sadly it rarely happens.

So I'm not too sure yet about change. Which means I may have to turn to the second part of your post - which sounds really difficult right now, I must admit. One doesn't get there overnight (understatement). But many thanks for the input and the insight, Jon. It's definitely food for thought and investigating and exploring. Thanks!

[Jens]

Hi Elisa,

there is a difference between letting go and giving in. Giving in is another automatic reaction like resistance, pushing you into a certain corner, while letting go is the active decision not to go into any corner. The situation gets harder to deal with when you take the position of the victim (or any other really).
I liked Jon's advice to be curious about your feelings. This might be easier to do when you remember that it has nothing to do with you personally, just with your job. Any other person in your position would get the same kind of treatment, so it's not actually disrespect against you. And when you remember this you can go into the feeling of being a doormat. What does this actually entail? Do you get tense, is there anger involved, do you grit your teeth, etc? Embrace being a doormat for a moment and you'll find that there is nothing to be afraid of there.

All the best for your practice,
Jens

[mark_cdf]

This is a great thread and something I too can relate too. I sometimes wake up on my day off and lay in bed working myself up about an email someone sent or a piece of work that’s been ‘dumped’ on me. I find I’m much better when practicing mindfulness regularly and exercising, I know my weakness is that I tend to forget to practice when life is going well!