Mindfullness and separation

[Tramps2]

Hi all
Myself and my partner are going through a hard time at the moment and every day seems to bring us closer to the end. I'm generally insecure and started Headspace as a way of dealing with demons and to be a better partner. Living in the 'Now' for me was about recognising I had a lovely partner and two beautiful daughters - a strong family unit behind me. That gave me strength. Sadly, when I focus on the 'now' now I see a sixty year old man about to lose his rock. The 'now' is so painful ii can't really put it into words. So the question is, how do you deal with this when trying to meditate, when the 'now' hurts so much and all you want is what has been?
Thanks

[Peter]

Hi tramps,

Welcome to the site. I am sorry to hear about your pain. There is probably nothing we could say to take that away. But I will say this: you're really giving away the reason behind your problem. You tell us 'all you want is what has been'. You're clearly not accepting what is. As long as you don't, you'll suffer. It doesn't matter what it has been, or what it could be, in the future. This is what is. Whether you like it or not. That, you need to accept.

Mindfulness isn't some magic trick to make the pain go away. Pain is a part of life. If you fight it, you will make the pain bigger and more persistent. Mindfulness is about being with the pain, accepting that it is like that for now, it will probably change,... or not, nobody knows. But it is what it is. In other words: 'surrender to what is'. By having this mindful attitude one is not adding to the pain, and it creates a space in which the pain can desolve on its own.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that the 'true you' isn't suffering, but your ego is. It is very possible to see yourself 'apart' from this suffering. Mindfulness, meditation and a bit of contemplating can give one a very different perspective. But this is probably beyond the scope of this conversation, for now. Just know it's there.

Realize that these words are all just pointers, though. They just point to the real deal, they aren't 'It'. I still hope it helped you somewhat.

Peter

[JonW]

Hi Tramps,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time at present.
You might benefit from a more structured approach to mindfulness practice. In my view, Headspace is not the best way of going about that. You might want to look into doing a mindfulness course with a qualified teacher or, alternatively, a book like Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams & Danny Penman is worth checking out.
We are here to help, as much as we possibly can. So, in the meantime, please feel free to ask any questions that arise for you. We are a friendly bunch so make yourself at home here on the forum.
My best wishes,
Jon

[Gareth]

I would say that building a mindfulness practice is especially difficult when you are going through a life event as enormous as this.

This is not to say that mindfulness cannot help you. It can, but you need to be especially careful that you build in enough self-compassion. You are going through something that is very difficult.

Jon is too modest to say, but he is a qualified mindfulness teacher, and he is able to go through the 8-wk course with you online, should you want.

[JonW]

Thank you, Gareth.

[arguseyed]

Hi Tramps,

I am sorry to hear you go through such a hard time. I can relate to this as I have felt this way a lot. I took some mindfulness based therapy and classes this year and I was encouraged to notice where I feel the emotions in the body. For instance, when going through the emotion about you losing it, try and see where it is in the body - could be clenching of fists, heaviness in the chest or stomach, pressure in throat etc. It will be individual to everyone. I personally found it hard to do and took the help of a mindfulness based therapist. The therapist was able to point out bodily reactions that I had not noticed at all - taking a large breath right after I said something emotional, clenching of fists, rubbing my arms to sooth myself.

I hope this helps.

[alexcr87]

Hi everyone,

I just joined the forum not even a couple hours ago and this post was the first one I was notified of. I want to start by taking a couple seconds to thank everyone for their support and their kind words. I myself broke up with my partner 6 months ago, but it being a particularly intense relationship I can only have empathy for Tramps as it has been a roller coaster of emotions ever since.

Allow me a couple suggestions, if I may : sports helped, yoga helped and "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn helped.

As for mindfulness, I'll mostly listen to what everyone else is saying as I'm not in any position to offer counsel as well as they seem to be, given the fact that they seem to have far more experience in those matters.

Be well,
Alex

[JonW]

Hi alexcr87,
Welcome to the forum.
I look forward to getting to know you on here.
All best wishes,
Jon

[alexcr87]

Thank you JonW. Look forward to getting to know you as well.

Alex

[MiM]

Hi everyone. I hope it's ok to jump in on tram2:s thread like this.

Many of you may remember me, I was active here for a while, but have not posted for more than a year. In between my mindfulness practice got awfully thin, even though it has not disappeared completely.

Three weeks ago my wife of 20 years left me without any prewarning, and I am now trying to see if reviving mindfulness could help me cope with the situation and find myself. That also made me take a look in here. The first I stumbled on when I lurked was this thread, and Peter's comment that its the ego that is hurt. Thank you for that one, Peter.

Reading what I just wrote makes me understand that finding myself will be the very big chore. Who is the boy trying to lurk out from deep inside, who is the man I have come to be? Can mindfulness help me find that out?