Noticing thoughts, observing thoughts, giving them space, surrendering, let go, etc..

[monkeymind74]

Hello.

I had, more or less, a mid-life crisis 5 months ago. My life is just FINE: stable job, great wife, healthy kid, nice home.. very little stress in my life. But I am NOT happy. Why why why. Things could be so so so much worse! But, telling myself that doesn’t make me feel any better, and I grow even more sad and angered. Therapist diagnosed as ‘existential anxiety’.

(actually, I really don’t like my job, and that probably has a lot to do with all of this.. but its low pressure and pays the bills. I am grateful)

But anyways..I have really been working at it. Had been seeing therapist regularly (as mentioned). I meditate daily. I take a weekly yoga class (even though I am the only guy in the class). Exercise regularly. Always reading books (such as Power of Now, The Four Agreements, etc), constantly listening to podcasts about mindfulness and consciousness.

I can’t say things have improved much. I won’t stop meditating or exercising- I love doing both of those things, but they only seem to offer temporary relief.

Ive learned a good deal about myself as I am going thru this journey, but I still find myself sad and anxious most of the time.

Noticing thoughts, Observing thoughts, giving them space, surrendering, letting go, being present: these topics seem the most important, yet the hardest to achieve.

Meditation has helped me catch myself when I start ruminating, thinking of the past or comparing myself to others.. generally, i think negative a lot.. as I realize I have been doing that for most of my life. So I am noticing, noticing, noticing. But that’s it. I notice my negative thoughts.. but my mind does not seem to want to create any “space” for those thoughts. So.. great…. I have become good at noticing the thoughts.. now what? Doesn’t seem to change anything.

OBSERVE the mind.. observe the the thoughts & don’t attach to them…surrender to them, let go. HOW?? I’m getting aggravated at all the articles, books, etc that tell you to simply ‘observe the mind’.… but doesn’t tell you how. I guess it is something that simply cannot be put into words?

I know I have to be patient, and this journey is a very difficult one, and may take time. I want to ask the question
“HOW LONG UNTIL I START FEELING BETTER?” but I am not sure I want to know the answer to that.

[Matt Y]

Hi Monkeymind,

Sorry about the delay responding to your post.
There seem to be a couple of things going on for you.

1. You've been doing a lot of good work on yourself (therapy, yoga, meditation, reading), but you're feeling stuck despite it all.
2. You seem a bit frustrated and perhaps confused about the idea of observing your mind.

I don't think your situation is that unique but not many people openly talk about such struggles.

If you are feeling sad and anxious a lot of the time I'd suggest that a good place to focus would be on those two emotions. And to work effectively with them you need to understand emotions properly. A great place to start would be with the work of Karla McLaren. She has a website / blog with lots of useful information on emotions, as well as a couple of great books. Her youtube channel, Emotion Dynamics also contains excellent resources on sadness, anxiety and emotions in general.

The relevant links are:

http://karlamclaren.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdZi21 ... ePNVhPSTNg

I would suggest that you may have placed a bit too much emphasis on trying to observe, rather than accept, understand and 'be with' your thoughts and emotions (without trying to fix or change them). I don't believe there is a reliable way to surrender to or detach from thoughts and emotions, and doing so may not always be the most helpful strategy.

Detaching is not something you do, but something that may happen naturally and spontaneously if you investigate what fuels or holds your thoughts together.

Observing thoughts need not be made into some special property of the mind. If you know what you are thinking about, then you must be observing your thoughts to some degree. This would also mean that you are detached from them to some degree. But as I said before, trying to observe or detach may not be useful. Invesigating, exploring, questioning and examining your thoughts could be more worthwhile.

For ideas on how to do that see my posts on working with thoughts:
http://melbournemeditationcentre.com.au/tag/thinking/

and the guided meditation on thoughts:
http://melbournemeditationcentre.com.au ... -thoughts/

Feel free to respond if you have further queries.

[Matt Y]

This video from Karla McLaren may be of particular relevance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SaMWHgrqoc