Anxiety burst during breath meditation

[Michael_79]

Hi all,
I have been suffering from alternating depressive and anxious states since my childhood. To try decreasing the pain, I started a mindfulness training about 4 months ago and since then, I practice breath meditation for about 45 min per day. I also try being mindful in daily life.

I improved dramatically the way I relate to my depressive states and thoughts. The intensity of the related mental pain and the frequency of occurrence have strongly decreased.

This is the opposite for anxiety. Since the start of the mindfulness training, I have almost continuously the sensation of "butterflies" (not sure how to describe it properly) in the bowels. There are sometimes some clear thoughts associated with it. For example, the fear of being rejected or not being good enough. But most of the time, this sensation is here without any related thinking process. I learn slowly to be less afraid of this sensation. Nevertheless, it remains quite distressful in my daily life and particularly at work as I have difficulties focusing on something else than the butterflies.

In the rare situations where I am not anxious and begin a breathing meditation session, the anxiety bursts almost immediately. As soon as I feel focused on the breath, the butterflies pop up as if the anxiety was telling me "hey hey I need your attention, don't let me alone". I am looking at this sensation with kindness, sometimes telling it "wait a minute little boy, let's breath together and I'll bring you all the attention in a minute" but still it wants all the attention all the time. Then, as promised, I give complete focus on the butterflies after a while. This is for me a really easy point of focus, I can stay on it 10 minutes without any thoughts flying in between. I end up the session by hugging the anxiety. It makes me cry and I feel rested for a little while. But then, one hour or so is sufficient for the butterflies to ask back for attention....

I guess I just have to be patient. It will take time so that the little boy in me requires less attention. But if you have any suggestions, I'll take them. Thanks for reading

[JonW]

Hi Michael,
It sounds to me as though it's the thoughts about that sensation that bother you, far more than the sensation itself. Is that about right?
It would be useful to find out a little more about your practice. Did you learn mindfulness from a book? If so, which one? Have you taken the 8-week course? If so, was it with a qualified teacher in a live setting or was it online?
If you're encountering this obstacle regularly, it might be worth considering going right back to basics to get a firmer grounding in the practice.
Good things,
Jon, Hove

[Michael_79]

Jon, thanks for your reply.

You're correct, it is the thought about the sensation rather than the sensation itself that bothers me the most. I am somewhat anxious of being anxious. I am not sure how to handle the situation. I cannot make the difference between:
-letting the thought about the anxiety sensation flowing through the mind (which would be the mindful way I believe )
-avoiding/pushing back anxiety

I approached mindfulness through two books, The mindful way through anxiety by Orsillo and The mindful way through depression by Williams. I also follow some group breathing and walking meditation, but there is very little guidance. I am still in the basics of mindfulness, I started 3 months ago.

[JonW]

Hi Michael,
My hunch is that you'd greatly benefit from taking the 8-week mindfulness course which is likely to give you a firm grounding in the practice. If there are no group courses available in your area, you might consider an online option. Alternatively, there are a few books that take you through the course. I'd highly recommend Mindfulness: Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, which comes with a CD of guided meditations.
All best,
Jon, Hove

[Gareth]

Jon has given you some sterling advice there as usual. Learning the practice from books just doesn't seem to be right for some people.

I would say that 3 months into the practice is still pretty early. I knew nothing at that stage of my practice. Are you managing to meditate every day? If so, for how long?

[Michael_79]

Yes, I try to meditate almost everyday for 45 minutes. As you say, I am in an early stage and there is still a long way to go.

[Gareth]

And every mind is different.

Mindfulness seems to benefit some people more than others, and some people find it easier to get into the practice than others.

It's my honest held belief though, that every person has something that they can gain from mindfulness. Keep practising, and let us know how you get on.

I wish you the best of luck.

[BarbaraC]

Hi Michael,

That is horrible. You must not judge yourself. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.

We just launched website with an online course. This might be a solution for you. I invite you to come try it out. I love to hear what you think of it.

Please have a look at: http://teach-yourself-mindfulness.com/f ... -download/

Hope to hear from you.

Mindful regards, Barbara

[LucidMind]

Michael, from your post it seemed like you are using mindfulness to fight against anxiety and make it go away. As the old adage goes, "if you dont want it, you've got it". I would invite you to try to re-frame your way of thinking about anxiety and mindfulness. Instead of using mindfulness as a tool to get rid of your anxiety (like a medication), use mindfulness to help you observe your anxiety for what it is...just bodily sensations and thoughts. The point is not to feel better, its to get better at feeling! Focus on the feelings of anxiety and just staying with them, while bringing an air of compassion to whatever you are experiencing. I have a feeling that once you let go of the notion of "curing" your anxiety, it will alleviate naturally. Anxiety is necessary to survive in this life, just like any other emotion human beings have. Use mindfulness to make room for your negative feelings, while still pursuing the life you want to live. Thich Nhat Hanh talks about imagining your anxiety as a little crying baby, and gently/lovingly holding up to your heart and cuddling with it. It's a good metaphor for the acceptance and compassion part of mindfulness.

[Michael_79]

Thanks for your reply Lucidmind.
As described in my first post, I actually follow your suggestion since I started mindfulness. I do not try to fight anxiety but give it attention and consider it as the little child in me that needs to be cuddled. It still makes my life complicated as it requires almost constant attention.
I start to understand that I had been hiding from my fears for more than 20 years by nurturing a depressive attitude. So, it will take time for my fears not to demand constant attention.