Mindfulness is becoming a chore

[James123]

I started mindfulness (FPIAFW) at the back end of last year. I got to week 5, Christmas came and I fell off the horse and never got back on. However, I truly believe in mindfulness and didn't stop trying to be mindful each and every day. Even if it was just in the shower, observing thoughts as just thoughts, drinking coffee or taking the dogs for a walk. I kept up the meditation as well (15-20 minutes mind & body) around 4 or 5 times a week

Earlier this year I had to go on a 12 week CBT course which was pretty pointless but I kept the mindfulness up most days because the plan was to go on an 8 week 1-2-1 mindfulness course with a local teacher as soon as the CBT course was over.

Well it is now and whilst I wouldn't say I've stopped being in love with the concept of mindfulness I have found it becoming a chore as the improvements overall are very limited. Slightly angry about it all if I'm being honest. The constant seeing thoughts as just thoughts, remembering to let negative thoughts float on by like a cloud drifting past, being mindful itself and the formal meditation have all become a struggle for what feels like such a little gain.

Just 10 minutes ago I got 8 minutes in to a formal meditation and I stopped it because I just thought, this is bollocks.

What's just as annoying is that I know I'm supposed to notice these kind of thoughts and feelings and continue on being mindful anyway. I know it's not an over night thing too, but it's just, oh I dunno, feeling pretty pointless at the moment.

Can anyone recognise any of the above in their own practice and if so, give me any advice as I genuinely feel mindfulness has its merits. Science backs it up or goodness sake.

[JonW]

Hi.
This is so far removed from my own experience that I'm at a complete loss as to what to advise.
Anyone?
Jon, Hove

[scratchet]

i can definitely recognise this, but I'm unsure what to do about it too. I feel like I've learned and assimilated the basics of mindfulness and I feel like I practice it on a day to day basis. But it seems to me that the whole thing needs another dimension to it, to keep it interesting. Rather than going over the same formal meditation all the time.

I did the headspace program for about 6 months, and the first 3 months were what I would call the basics, and I really felt that I'd carried it into my day to day life. But then the program moved on, and got very deep and confusing. Questions were thrown into the meditation like "what would you do if you knew this was the last day of your life?". It was a bit too deep for me, and so I stopped doing it, and went back to my own self guided meditations. But now am kind of stuck in the same place you are by the sounds of it?

sorry i don't have any answers, but I know what you are talking about. Maybe another dimension could be to stop the formal meditation for a while, if you aren't enjoying it, and spend the day noticing one particular thing? Maybe say that today you will notice appreciation, in whatever form it comes in. Could be finding £20 on the street, or could as simple as being able to run up the stairs, or drive a car. Also, have you read the book " how to tame a wild elephant"? its worth a look.

[James123]

I don't feel like it needs another dimension as such, I'm just stepping back from it all after 8 months and thinking is this it? I'm not naive so I wasn't expecting any sort of miracle and just by learning that thoughts are just that, thoughts, is invaluable in itself.

But after the amount of time I've put in I'm looking back at the James of 8 months ago and the James of today to see a difference and I'm kinda "meh" about all of it.

I won't stop and I'm sure going to see an actual teacher for an 8 week course will refresh my enthusiasm for mindfulness. I just wanted to see if anyone had experienced anything that I have of late, so it's good to see it wasn't just me.

[JonW]

As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, "the eighth week is the rest of your life."
It is impossible to generalise about how people integrate mindfulness into their lives. Every individual will do so differently. After the initial stages of practice, one person might see it purely as a means to live a more relaxed life. Another person might find that the practice of mindfulness leads to a full-blown spiritual awakening.
I find it utterly fascinating. But I speak as one whose life has been completely transformed by mindfulness. I find it quite difficult to relate to the person I was before I took up the practice.
Jon

[Gareth]

I am similar to Jon in that this is very different to my own experience, so I'm a little lost for advice.

Being able to see thoughts as 'just thoughts' itself has been a miraculous thing for me, but I have also noticed the following benefits:
Better sleeping
Improved personal relationships
Better concentration
More patience
More empathy
Improved tolerance of physical pain

I am going to ask some more experienced voices to come and see if they can offer any advice.

[piedwagtail91]

it can happen, i know self compassion can go through three stages,it did for me infatuation, disillusionment and true acceptance.
i'm pretty sure mindfulness can take the same route.
i've had times when i've thought is it worth it? but they've only lasted a couple of days.
just like anything such as a new phone at first, it's great and everything you want, then like a lot of things it can get a bit samey, 'the novelty ' wears off.
then when you do get through that stage you get true acceptance.
chris germer explains it in one of his books.
it could well be that your'e in the middle stage.
doing mindfulness with a teacher can be a big help, they can guide you through the times when things do get tough.
the formal meditations are where you learn your skills, your mindfulness,they're just a small part of it.
it's the rest of your everyday life where you apply them, thats just as important.
maybe trying a different guided meditation, one led by someone else , just to geta different voice?
if you're self leading maybe try guided for a while?
maybe try silent?
change the length of time you practice for.
there are lots of different practices here http://www.freemindfulness.org/download
i know one or two of those leading and they're good at it.
maybe trying something different could help,but go into it not expecting anything special.

[PeterFreeMindfulness]

Hi James,

This is a really useful thing to raise I think, as it can be frustrating when you feel mindfulness isn't really going anywhere. A few ideas come to mind, feel free to play around with these if they fit with your experience.

What your are noticing in your practice may be really valuable noticing - namely, a comparison between how you feel in the present moment and either your image of your past self or how you would like to be in the future, and the emotional response that this comparison brings up. So you can respond to this in different ways - you can (as it sounds like you've been doing) return to the focus on the practice your are doing, like breath or body. You could also turn towards the feeling of frustration or annoyance and explore what it feels like in the body, be curious about it as an experience - just like you might open up to and be curious about something that you see or hear - and see if you can accept in the moment that that is your experience. Then also exploring being kind to yourself in the moment, saying it's okay that I'm feeling this.

More generally, in mindfulness there's a paradox where we practice it because we feel it helps or it gets us somewhere - whereas mindfulness is equally about being okay with exactly where we are, in this moment, because we can't be anywhere else. So responding to your feelings of frustration in the moment with more curiosity and acceptance (as invited above) may stop the cycle of reactivity that is maintaining it... however... you may find that the frustration stays. And this is a great opportunity to practice being with frustration, being okay where you are at that moment.

Personally, I was on a 5 day silent retreat a few months back where we practised meditation for 5 hours a day and 3 hours of yoga. Much of my time was spent with physical pain, frustration, wanting time to pass, mind wandering, tiredness - and although excruciating at times as the 5 days progressed I gained a greater appreciation of all these experiences and learnt how to be with them, and hold them in a wider space. It sounds strange, but for example, getting to a point of feeling comfortable despite being in lots of physical pain. I am not my pain, pain is arising. I am not the frustration, frustration is arising - and what is it actually like?

Here's a poem I wrote recently, which although it's not directly what you're saying, says something of the reactions we can have to mindfulness:

Awakening: The good, the bad and the ugly

Turn off that autopilot
And open your eyes you said.
Take notice of the world around you
And let go of what’s in your head.

Well I have to tell you
This whole paying attention malarkey
Is really starting to bug me.
Awakening as you call it-
It’s not all smelling the roses
It’s the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was enticed by the sensations
Of the breeze against my skin
I didn’t particularly enjoy listening
To the washing machine spin.
And when I was mindfully eating that delicious slice of cake
I was acutely aware that, despite its airy bake
It wasn’t making me thin.

I did actually go and smell the roses
A succulent aroma with a certain allure
Except again it was tainted
By the accompanying stench of manure.
And to mention, only briefly mind,
As it fills me with disgust
Noticing I was carrying it with me
Treading it into the dust.

Why should I open my eyes?
Why accept the good the bad and the ugly?
As much as I try
It’s really starting to bug me.

---------------------------

It's supposed to be provocative and to allow us to explore our own answer to the question, so I'll leave the interpretation to whoever wishes to comment

[James123]

Thanks, one and all. I really appreciate you taking the time out.

I know mindfulness works and I guess "frustration" is the real word for what I am feeling as Peter pointed out. Together with a tired, apathetic view on all things mindful. I guess I'm stuck in a mindfulness rut.

I feel sure the 1-2-1 teacher training rather than just a book will be very beneficial and will lift me out of the rut back on to the right path.

I liked that poem btw, Peter. I get what you are saying totally.

Thanks again.

[JonW]

I sometimes go on a day-long mindfulness in nature retreat organised by my former teacher. That never fails to freshen me up.
What's also been useful to me has been running my own mindfulness meet-up group here in Brighton. Started a year ago and we've got 110 members now. Our next meet-up is in the pub this afternoon. It's a great way to engage with like-minded people. Very cheap to run too.
http://www.meetup.com
Cheers,
Jon