Getting started but feel worse

[JonW]

"It's not all "bad" though since it is a part of me and also provides me with a lot of energy to change things, to get something started."
I can relate to that. I used to tell myself that I needed to feel like a coiled spring as I geared up to do something "important". It's an exhausting way to live.
These days, I'm far more clear-headed, far more at peace with myself, and things still change, things still get started. Those things just come from a more centred place, without the attending worry and panic. Or the three packs of cigarettes a day.
I really hope you stick with the practice. Must say, it's been a year for me now and it's been transformative.
Please feel free to stick around the forum and share ideas.
Gareth has created something here that has led to a truly wonderful, supportive community that is sure to grow and grow. The strength of this community depends upon everyone's involvement and their contributions.
Even if you post occasionally, that's great.
All good things,
Jon

[Cheesus]

Hi Parabola,

You've had a lot of useful ideas here. You might also find some useful insight in this thread:

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/for ... f=3&t=3454

Cheesus

[James123]

At the start of my mindfulness practice I struggled with the concept, "you are not your thoughts." It took some time to sink in that mindfulness was not suggesting that I stop thinking, only that I shouldn't confuse thought with reality. Instead of getting caught up in the kind of thoughts that caused me anxiety and depression I should stop imagining that those thoughts have any substantiality. Our tendency is to grasp at pleasurable thoughts and feelings while we push unpleasant thoughts and feelings away. This is the root of our suffering. Our lives our spent pushing and pulling in this way. Meanwhile we ignore what is actually occurring in the moment. Our entire lives are spent inside our heads - worrying, ruminating, speculating, fearing etc. If only we could realise that, if we're not thinking, the moment is perfectly fine just as it is. Or at least the moment is perfect, in the sense that it couldn't possibly be any different from what it is.
As Steve Hagen writes, "The task of this moment, the issue at hand, is to pay attention to what's actually going on in the moment before we make anything of it. It's to realise how the mind conjures up endless ephemeral worlds and that if we would just look at these carefully, they would dissipate like smoke or mist. We need to see what's actually going on rather than focus on what we think."
In other words, mindfulness is about attending to this moment, the one that is happening now, not the past moment or the future moment, seeing it for what it is, which is nothing in particular, nothing graspable. It's about seeing this, gently noticing this, not striving for it, not even thinking about it.
As this noticing becomes habitual, we get caught up in our thought processes less and less. What's left is what has been here all along. We learn to abide in the moment, with gentleness and self-compassion.

I love this post. Now if I could just remember it when I'm in an anxious situation.

Gareth, is there a facility on here where we can *like* a post as in Twitter so we can come back to them when we want to?

[JonW]

"Now if I could just remember it when I'm in an anxious situation…"
You could always get it tattooed to your arm.

[Parabola]

Thanks at everyone for the encouraging posts.
I really want to stick with the practice and if it's not way too expensive I consider taking a course/single coaching.

It is hard for me to not be "goal oriented" here...I would be lying if I said I don't expect (longterm) results.
I mean, after all, we do know that it can help and that it can change or transform a lot, as some of you even said.
So this is kind of weird...In a way I am doing this because I want to change something and want to feel "better" and more centered and a bit freed from worries and doubts, but then again, I know I shouldn't expect anything (but by saying "I shouldn't" I already put pressure on myself again...)
So all in all...kind of paradox, right?

^ And all of the thinking back and forth I just did...I just notice it and let it be

[piedwagtail91]

i probably wouldn't define what mindfulness has done for me as a result, it's more of a change. but a change for the better and more 'space to think', about the things that matter.

[Gareth]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to feel better. I started the practice because I wanted to feel better, and I think to some extent, everybody that undertakes mindfulness does.

Somewhere along the way, I began to understand the subtleties of mindfulness, in that it's not always possible to feel better. Sometimes you feel horrible and we have to be with those feelings too at the same time understanding that it won't always be this way.

I don't think that there is any way to do what you are after in this forum software Nice Fish.

[piedwagtail91]

I think better in my case is because I couldn't feel any worse!
I came pretty close to that 4 months ago but staying mindful and practicing a lot of self compassion and mindfulness got me through that.
This bit is hard to explain but after a day off silence retreat a week or so ago I felt very calm, still and I suppose you could call it very chilled.
A few days of that was more than enough!
It didn't feel real but I stayed with it and things are ok now. Up and Down again or normal for want of a better word!

[FeeHutch]

Maybe we could create a sticky thread (that means it would stay visable at the top of the board) with links to threads that might be useful?

Then everyone would be free to post a link to posts they want to bookmark.

[ONE: Deeper Peace]

@Parabola, thanks so much for posting your experience. It got me to thinking of my own challenges. When I think of mindfulness as something I have to do instead of it becoming a way of being, that's when my mind finds 4,000 angles from which to come at it and try to figure it out. That's where my "shoulds" and "have to's" come up... which are totally contrary to the benefits.

It's like the whole self-improvement movement... a fear-based mentality that I am broken or less than ideal, and therefore need to be fixed or improved.

For me, mindfulness practice is just a tool, a way to nurture mindful living. So, instead of thinking of mindfulness as something I have to acheive, I've learned to relax into whatever is coming up in the moment, no matter what it is, without judgement nor expectation. Simply being. Quiet.

Ironically, when I stop trying to be mindful and just pay simple attention to the natural flow of things, I become mindful.