Getting started but feel worse

[Parabola]

Hi everybody,
new to this site, and also new to mindfulness.
I have struggled with depression since I am 26 (33 now) ever since I had a major life event going on. I felt like I never recovered properly, but was doing
ok for years. Then it all caught up with me in 2011 and I finally went to a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants (Cipralex). I felt better within weeks. I am sure it also had to with changing a job, moving, changing things...but I really came out of the slump very fast and well.
I went to a therapist in 2012 and it definitely helped me understand my "story", how I generate unhappiness etc. I tapered down the meds in June this year and after a few wobbly weeks I felt ok and thought "I am over it, that went well".

After a very busy summer this year, I started feeling stressed and under pressure and I could notice myself getting irritable and very strict on myself again (like, I need to do more yoga, I need to work out more, I need to lose weight..). So I guess I kind of wore and beat myself down and noticed feeling low again lately. I notice it with "mood drops" where I am very caught up in my thoughts and worries of getting worse again. I can usually pull myself out of these moods but they become more frequent which of course leads to more worry and more judging and thinking "here I go again, of course! No meds means I am depressed again, of course I would replase".
I guess a very typical pattern...

So I did research on mindfulness and just read "The mindful way through depression", which I really liked. I recognise myself in it, I recognise that the behaviours and patterns mentioned in the book are exactly my issues and what I think I need to overcome to finally get better.
So I feel like intellectually, I can grasp all this...I started doing the exercise as instructed (first week body scan, second week sitting with the breath, body scan..) and I really try to use all the techniques described, but it is so difficult for me.
And I noticed I feel like I got worse since I started occupying myself with the whole subject of "mindfulness, depression, getting better, observing myself".
I have had some tough days now where I am at work and feel so sad and frustrated again that "this" seems to happen again.
I do notice how I judge and how I travel back and forth to the past (comparing..."it feels like back then, or is it different? I felt the same back then, and how long did it take to feel better from then..?") to the future ("what if I get worse and have to get back on meds and then they don't help anymore.." "what if..") and I try to be in the moment, but I still feel so caught up and fused with my thoughts and feelings.
I really want to stick to the practice because I think it is a long term way for me to cope better with my supercritical mind...but being the "goal oriented" person I am, I need to see some tiny positive results to be convinced to carry on.

So of course I aks myself: am I doing something "wrong"? Is this not working for me? Did I start at the wrong time? Or could it be a normale reaction to get worse at first because you have to face so many uncomfortable memories and sensations and thoughts?
Sorry, that was a novel and just rambling, but any comment is appreciated.

[JonW]

Hi Parabola,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear that things have been tough for you.
Here at Everyday Mindfulness we'll always do our best to help although it's worth remembering that we don't claim to be experts, so there's a limit to the kind of advice we can offer.
Sometimes it's the case that people find that mindfulness tough going at first. Sometimes it takes a while for any benefits to be felt.
In some cases, it might be that people need more support than a book course offers. Have you checked out whether there are any 8-week mindfulness courses running in your area? Or have you considered doing an online course (with Breathworks, for example)?
Please stick around here. We're building up a great community and it's great to have you on board. Do keep us informed how things are going for you.
All best wishes, Jon

[piedwagtail91]

hi parabola
jon makes a good point about some people needing the help and guidance of going on a course.
"I do notice how I judge and how I travel back and forth to the past (comparing..."it feels like back then, or is it different? I felt the same back then, and how long did it take to feel better from then..?") to the future ("what if I get worse and have to get back on meds and then they don't help anymore.." "what if..") and I try to be in the moment, but I still feel so caught up and fused with my thoughts and feelings."

i have to admit to never having read the book, but wondered if it had the 'three minute or three step breathing' space in?
if it is then when things happen as in the quote then would be a good time to practice this.
they are only 'thoughts' they may have happened in the past but may never happen in the future.
the breathing space can help you step out of the thoughts and see whats really happening in your life in that moment.

mindfulness can help you learn to recognise and let go or step out of these sorts of chain of thoughts before you get too involved with them.
mindfulness won't stop things happening but it can help you change the way you see or relate to them to help you respond rather than react.
you don't have to face all the unpleasant things at once.
without wanting to make this sound like an advert, if you're anywhere in east lancs we have two 8 week nhs courses starting in the new year with orientation sessions in december and january.
as jon says keep in touch with the forum.
mick

[Parabola]

Thank you so much Jon and Mick for your nice and fast replies. Feels good to be "heard" on here!

@Jon: I guess a teacher/therapist would actually be good and there is a lady who offers MBCT so I will look into it. I'd feel like I'd rather do single coaching then the group sessions, but it's definitely something I want to take up. I feel like this could really be a way for me to avoid those slumps.
I guess right now, I am maybe just too low already and want mindfulness as a quick fix and it might create more distress because it just doesn't work this way.
So I guess I need to stabilise myself before I can take a course.

@Mick: Yes, the 3min breathing space is in the book and is one of the "core skills".
I know this would be what I need when I get in these moods with the mind racing, but when I feel especially desperate/sad, it is soooo difficult to do this.
I know how it works and how it is supposed to work, but it's like I just can't feel it yet. I still get so caught up in everything. Which of course leads to more negative thinking and criticising like "why doesn't this work for me?"...
Oh, and thanks for the recommendation with the courses, but I am actually in Germany, so might be too far

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading and giving me a warm welcome here.

[piedwagtail91]

Yeh,
just a bit outside way lancs !

[Gareth]

but it is so difficult for me

It is difficult to begin with, and you shouldn't judge yourself for finding it so - this is hard I know. Mindfulness is an incredibly simple concept at it's heart, but we have spent our whole lives following the mind wherever it goes, so it takes time, patience and self-compassion to train it to be otherwise.

I am personally so glad that I kept going through those difficult times. I was lucky to recognise the benefit fairly early on, and lucky enough to have lots of spare time (it was important then) to committ to the practice.

[piedwagtail91]

Just to echo gareths post. I think it's something we all go through. It's a big change to make. But we'll with the effort through the difficult times.

[JonW]

Hello again.
"I guess right now, I am maybe just too low already and want mindfulness as a quick fix and it might create more distress because it just doesn't work this way."
This could well be the thing that's getting in your way. As you've already realised, mindfulness is nothing like a quick fix. It's the complete opposite of any self-help practice as it's not concerned with getting us to point X when we're at point Y. It's about accepting that we are at point Y and working with that.
Once we start striving for results, mindfulness becomes yet another way of judging ourselves, another way of trying to escape from where we already are.
It sounds like you'd really benefit from one-to-one coaching. I'd also recommend that you read around the subject. Jon Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe Living and Coming To Our Senses made a huge difference to me at the beginning of my practice.
Wishing you well.
Hope to hear from you soon, amigo.
Cheers,
Jon, Hove

[JonW]

At the start of my mindfulness practice I struggled with the concept, "you are not your thoughts." It took some time to sink in that mindfulness was not suggesting that I stop thinking, only that I shouldn't confuse thought with reality. Instead of getting caught up in the kind of thoughts that caused me anxiety and depression I should stop imagining that those thoughts have any substantiality. Our tendency is to grasp at pleasurable thoughts and feelings while we push unpleasant thoughts and feelings away. This is the root of our suffering. Our lives are spent pushing and pulling in this way. Meanwhile we ignore what is actually occurring in the moment. Our entire lives are spent inside our heads - worrying, ruminating, speculating, fearing etc. If only we could realise that, if we're not thinking, the moment is perfectly fine just as it is. Or at least the moment is perfect, in the sense that it couldn't possibly be any different from what it is.
As Steve Hagen writes, "The task of this moment, the issue at hand, is to pay attention to what's actually going on in the moment before we make anything of it. It's to realise how the mind conjures up endless ephemeral worlds and that if we would just look at these carefully, they would dissipate like smoke or mist. We need to see what's actually going on rather than focus on what we think."
In other words, mindfulness is about attending to this moment, the one that is happening now, not the past moment or the future moment, seeing it for what it is, which is nothing in particular, nothing graspable. It's about seeing this, gently noticing this, not striving for it, not even thinking about it.
As this noticing becomes habitual, we get caught up in our thought processes less and less. What's left is what has been here all along. We learn to abide in the moment, with gentleness and self-compassion.

[Parabola]

Aw, thanks again for all your kind replies.

It is difficult to begin with, and you shouldn't judge yourself for finding it so - this is hard I know. Mindfulness is an incredibly simple concept at it's heart, but we have spent our whole lives following the mind wherever it goes, so it takes time, patience and self-compassion to train it to be otherwise.

Patience and self-compassion are two qualities I am lacking big time. And I say this now "lovingly" and compassionately, not judgingly
But really, I know this is a part of my personality that is definitely a source of a lot of
suffering. I always want things too much in too little time and am not very forgiving with myself. I am sure these are traits that a lot of people struggling with depression etc have in common.
It's not all "bad" though since it is a part of me and also provides me with a lot of energy to change things, to get something started.

As you've already realised, mindfulness is nothing like a quick fix. It's the complete opposite of any self-help practice as it's not concerned with getting us to point X when we're at point Y. It's about accepting that we are at point Y and working with that.
Once we start striving for results, mindfulness becomes yet another way of judging ourselves, another way of trying to escape from where we already are.

Yes, and I read this and really get it and understand the concept and see the beauty in it. But damn, I know this is really challenging. I am so the type of person to wish for things to be a certain way, to wish myself back and forth...
I am glad I discovered the mindful approach though, it sounds like it was invented for me
Will check out the book. I already like "The mindful way through depression" a lot.