Grieving a loss

[David225]

My only child is off to college half way across the country in a couple months and I find myself overwhelmed. Of course there is a strong sense of pride, but I struggle with an overarching feeling of grief.
I found myself often sobbing during her recent high school graduation as well as at her college orientation. Wonderful memories of her childhood come back to me at times, and the feelings of joy, but more strongly of loss are crippling me.
I've rediscovered mindfulness which was so helpful to me during a depression several years ago, but I am confused how to face my challenges now using mindfulness.
I can focus in my meditation, yet when I am in her presence and we discuss her college plans, thoughts of sadness arise and overwhelm me. I worry that my constant sorrow will bring her down as well. I do want her to go, but of course I am missing her terribly already.

Any suggestions?

[Hambostein]

Hi David225, apologies over not replying to you sooner, I thought someone with a bit more experience of these sort of things may have chipped in but it doesn't look like that, does it?

First thing, I hardly feel qualified to give advice on this, having no children of my own, and being a relatively new-comer to Midfulness (started in Mid April of this year), but after reading your post yesterday have been thinking quite a bit about your predicament. So here's my penny worth.

When I saw the title of your post I thought someone had died, but no, it's your daughter going to college that is giving you so much turmoil.
Not trying to belittle the situation but you haven't "lost" your daughter, it's just a change in circumstances...
Now this doesn't make the feeling you're having any less powerful and hurtful for you, feelings like this are real to the person experiencing them, I appreciate this. I've had problems myself in the past worrying/stressing over things in hindsight that seem farcical to me now, but at the time they were massive problems to me, caused no end of sleepless nights and heartache (for me and those round me no doubt) but eventually with the help of my GP and a course of treatment (not very Mindful I know) these things went away, not fully but the trip to the GP did help.
There came to a point with me when just carrying on and suffering through my anguish just wasn't worth it, and I'm really glad I made that decision, helped me a lot.
Now being able to use a "Mindful" approach to these issues that used to cause me grief, they seem just like they are, problems that can be dealt with, and dealt with by me.

Would a trip to the GP be helpful ?? ... sometimes we need help to think about things in a "Mindful" way, you are obviously having strong feelings and may need help to treat these feelings "Mindfully"

From the tone of your post you sound that you realise there's a (potential) problem there, I think that is the most important step to resolving it, and I'm sure you will in your own way ....

Take Care
Hambo

[JonW]

Hi David.
Sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment.
Might it be worth considering taking up the 8-week course (again?)? There's a separate thread devoted to it on this forum. The Mark Williams/Danny Penman book seems like a popular choice.
Continuing the adventure of mindfulness can only be a positive thing in your situation, it would seem to me.
Please feel free to as any further questions. We're always happy to help out in whatever way we can, though sometimes lives get busy so it might take a while to respond to your posts.
In the meantime, all good things your way,
Jon

[Gareth]

That's the thing with emotions; you've just got to let them run their course. The grief that you feel is very real and it needs to be felt. The fact that you are noticing these eruptions of grief is a good thing I would say.

I am going to put your question to somebody more experienced than me.

[David225]

Thanks for the responses. They are much appreciated.

A bit more background...I have been happily medicated with Prozac and similar meds now and over the years. Ive tried life without these meds in the past, but i am a much happier, more positive person with them. Typically I deal well with depression with the meds and some basic coping...mostly cognitive behavioral techniques i have picked up...though the impending flight of our daughter from the nest has thrown me for a loop.

Since I wrote my first posting I'm happy to report that I'm back to daily body scan meditation, daily reading on mindfulness, and i continue my attempts to be more mindful and ruminate less. As I suspect many of us do, rumination on my troubles is my real downfall. Since my last post, I can feel my depression lifting, and I am coming to accept the emotions that seemed to drown me a few days ago.

[Hambostein]

That's good news that you're feeling more positive about your situation David, very good news.

And your are definately right in saying that rumination on troubles is a real downfall, always has been one of my big downfalls, but you did well realising this was happening to you.
The worst times I've had is when I didn't realise this was happening, then it always got worse and bigger then the thoughts gave the problems a reality they did not deserve.

But saying that and looking back now and I can't even remember some of the things I used to stress over, so they can't have been that real can they?

Keep taking care of yourself
Hambo

[Bils42]

I'd like to share some things I have learned about grieving;

The emotion needs to be 'felt'. However clinging to the emotion just feeds it which is not healthy. Conversely blocking the emotion just stores it up in the body which is not healthy either. The emotion needs to be experienced without acting on it, without attachment or suppression. This is the healthy way to deal with emotion, especially a strong one like grief.

I learned these things, eventually, through Mindfullness practices following the death of my son (aged 3) 9 years ago

[FeeHutch]

I am sorry for your loss and agree, I had a practical reminder of that attending a funeral yesterday.