Am I not allowed to grieve?

[Altaira]

Hello all,
I'm new to the forum. As I understand Mindfulness, I'm not allowed to live in the past because it can make me depressed. My problem is, I lost my spouse and four children 14 years ago. I love them with my whole soul. We were happily married for 12 years. I've never been able to move on since then. My present doesn't even come close to comparing with the joy and happiness I once had. I feel like I am betraying them if I try to forget about them and not want them any more. I don't know what to do. Mindfulness is telling me not to go there. My heart and mind are telling me something else. I'm confused. Can anyone help?

[JonW]

Hi Altaira,
Welcome to the forum.
No, mindfulness isn't about not being 'allowed to live in the past'. Reflecting on the past is part of human nature and all of us have much to learn from the past.
However, getting too caught up in thoughts about the past (or the future) can undeniably be detrimental to our mental health. And besides, when we are caught up in endless rumination about the past (or worries about the future), we are missing out on what is actually happening right now.
Mindfulness is not telling anyone to forget about their past. It's simply teaching us to be more aware in the present moment.
One of the first things we learn about mindfulness is that we are not our thoughts. Further to that, we realise that some thoughts are useful and some are destructive/pointless etc. Within that, there’s a choice – we are giving ourself more options and, as a result, the chance to act more skilfully.
We will choose to act on some thoughts such as making a meeting on time. Other thoughts (ruminations on the past, dark-hued speculations about the future) we might choose to see purely as thoughts and watch them dissolve, as it were, using the mindfulness skills we have learned (in meditation).
It’s worth asking oneself how many of our daily thoughts are actually of any real use.
In any case, there’s always a choice and the choice comes at the moment of awareness when we become aware of our thought stream. The choice comes in the space that we create between the thought and our response to it.
All this has nothing to do with not being 'allowed' to live in the past. It's more about becoming more aware about how much time and energy we are spending outside of this present moment.
Ultimately, with practice, mindfulness wakes us up to a true sense of intimacy with life. Part of that intimacy with life involves allowing ourselves to feel what needs to be felt. In that way, it cultivates an acceptance and openness towards what needs to be felt, including feelings of grief.
I hope this is helpful in some way.
Best wishes,
Jon

[mightywindr]

The loyalty you have shown in this thread is everything anyone could ever hope for, it makes no logical sense to hurt yourself out of a sense of loyalty when the last thing the dead person would want if they loved you is for you to suffer any more than you have already, and life is short the last thing you need is more suffering than you already have in life (and we all have which is loads) . Its something the pure of heart do but its not logical, youve already proven your loyalty. This thread is a clear demonstration of that, now I think its time to get logical.

[BronteFan]

Hello!

Of course, it's o.k. to grieve. We all have to grieve when people we love pass away. We can't do it all the time though. We need space to grieve but we still need to sort things out (& there are a lot of things to sort out when someone dies), continue with our daily lives as much as possible & move on when we're ready though we don't completely forget them. We just can't let grieving take over our entire lives no matter how hard it can be to stop it. It's an especially hard time to mourn as we can't have as many family members & friends around us as we normally can with this virus. We have to do with telephone contact most of the time.

[JonW]

Grief keeps its own hours. There's no right or wrong time to 'move on'.
Mindfully speaking, what is felt needs to be felt. Noticed and felt. But that's an invitation, not a demand or a command. We are invited to turn towards what is being felt, rather than turning away from it. But there will be times when the grief will feel overwhelming and it may not be the right time to turn towards. So we turn towards when we feel ready to do so.
Jon

[BronteFan]

I know we need to feel & accept our grief & it will come in its own time & we'll move on when we're ready but I personally find it helpful to get on with things, sort things out & keep myself occupied. This makes me feel better. I know I'll have to ensure I don't get to the point where I over-work myself but at this moment in time while I've still got a lot of things to do I'm happier while getting on with things, sorting things out & keeping myself busy.

[JonW]

I'm talking from the point of view of mindfulness, I guess, which is all about turning towards experience. I think it's possible to be mindful about grief whilst also getting on with the things that need getting on with. I just think we need to be careful about keeping busy for the sake of keeping thoughts and feelings at bay. As ever, it's largely about balance.
Jon

[BronteFan]

I know. It's just that I've been through it quite recently so I'm going through the feelings at the moment. I need to keep busy so I'm not bombarded with these feelings at the moment as they're really getting me down. I know it's not wise & I'll end up just burning myself out but I just can't cope with all those feelings & have lots of things I need to do. I know I need to balance things out at some point but can't yet.