Relapse

[KathleenH]

Hi all

I've used the word 'relapse' for the topic subject as I couldn't really think of a better term.

This time last year I was doing really well, my meditation was calm and I had obtained a better understanding of thoughts and their processes but this winter has been hard and I have found my moods and thoughts hard to observe. My meditation has been difficult and even though I have continued, it feels as though I am back to square one. I have been feeling like this since the end of November.

I guess I'm not after advice as I know what I have to do, I have to observe the emotions and continue my daily practice, I was just wondering how many of you have also had these bumps and whether you had any kind words of encouragement to keep me going?

I want the nice calmness and clarity I had last year, I'm hoping it will be easier once my body has refueled with sunshine.

Thank you lovely people

K

[Happyogababe]

Hi Kathleen

I'm really sorry to hear that. I've had setbacks over the years, mostly caused by ill health, but the good news is I'm back on track thanks to the wonderful people on this forum.

I know that you know what you need to do but sometimes you just need a bit of moral support and guidance.

I'm sure you're practice and the experience will yield calmer spaces if you be patient and kind to yourself.

Best of luck
Happyogababe

[Peter]

Hi Kathleen,
For me the real turning point in my mindfulness practice actually came from such a 'bad' period.
I was practicing mindfulness for about one and half years, I had no urgent issues when I started, and didn't even know what mindfulness was about. I just bought a little book to read about what it was, because a friend was about to take a course. I had no goals; needed no solutions (at least that's what I thought). I practiced it viggursly every day for the first year because I just liked it so much, after that it began to decrease because I started to lose interest, until it almost stopped.
Then however things happened (my back) and things went really really really 'bad' for me. I fought it, but it was a battle I was loosing. It wasn't until I saw absolutely no future for me anymore, and I became so tired if fighting, that I finally gave up. I literally spread my arms wide open, and surrendered. That was the turning point, I picked up that original mindfulness book, began to read it again, and began practicing again. But this time everything just clicked 'a thousand times' better than it did before.

I'm not telling you all this because I need you to hit rock bottom, but to tell you something good can come from all of this, and to tell you to stop fighting (if you are). Just surrender!

Best of luck!
Peter

[JonW]

And this too will pass, KathleenH.
Just when life is breezing along and the meditation is nice and blissful, the storm clouds start gathering...and the internal weather changes.
It's as good a time as any to reconnect with and/or refreshen your practice. Throw in some body scans or mindful movement. Do some walking meditation. Meditate to music. Find a book about mindfulness to absorb your attention. Read some Zen poems.
Let us know how you get along.
You'll find plenty of support here on the forum.
All best wishes,
Jon

[Peter]

I want the nice calmness and clarity I had last year.

And this could be your problem, right there.
Peter

[MattValentine]

I want the nice calmness and clarity I had last year.

And this could be your problem, right there.
Peter

Hi Kathleen,
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Life is always up & down and mindfulness practice doesn't change that. Regardless, we're generally always searching for something that will change that and give us permanent, or at least, more long-term, happiness. When things are good, we're cool, but when they're not so good, we want something different than what's in front of us. Fundamentally, that's the problem.

What it does change is our ability to more skillfully handle our challenges (which you've experienced) through consistent awareness, deep insights, and the power of acceptance. Ultimately, it gives us the ability to tap into the fundamental peace within each moment, whether we're currently in a state of chaos or stability. By this I mean total acceptance of each moment, whether perceived as "good" or "bad", leads to a sort of ground of being which is beyond both and resilient to the challenges of everyday life.

It's like this Dalai Lama quote I read recently:

"I think when tragic things happen it is on the surface. It's like the ocean. On the surface a wave comes and sometimes the wave is very serious and strong. But it comes and goes, comes and goes, and underneath, the ocean always remains calm."

Of course, it's not so easy to know what to actually do with that when the challenge deals so intimately with ourselves, except that it's important to accept and ride the wave of these "tough times" just as we accept the good times. So, here's what I suggest...

It's important to understand that caring for ourselves in the right way is a critical aspect of mindfulness practice. This needs to be done alongside your mindfulness practice.

This is where the term "kindfulness" came from, which I think can be traced back to Jon Kabat-Zinn, or at least, he was a big supporter of this development in the West's mindfulness practice. This is particularly due to his Zen Buddhist roots and the understanding that the Buddhist practice of mindfulness and meditation is inseparable from the practice of love, both for ourselves and others, particularly manifesting in the cultivation of qualities such as loving-kindness and compassion.

This might be a bit difficult to understand if you're hearing it for the first time, as it was for me, but ultimately it just means the practice of mindfulness can't be without the practice of caring for ourselves in an intimate way because, ultimately, we're going to encounter different kinds of challenges in our practice and mindfulness practice often isn't enough to most skillfully handle the situation.

I have guides on things such as loving-kindness and compassion meditation practices, including "everyday" versions you can use as you go about your day, but I'm new to the forum and don't want to seem like I'm plugging myself. You can simply do a quick Google search for the term "kindfulness" and you'll get a number of resources that should point you in the right direction. Alternatively, or alongside that, feel free to email me at matt[at]buddhaimonia.com and I can reply back with the resources I have.

I know that was a bit long, but I hope it helps.

[KathleenH]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Peter, yep, I think I need to surrender, I may be trying to strive and force the feelings (I am a bit of a fighter).

Jon, I was thinking of going back to the beginning and redoing the Palouse course, start again with fresh eyes.

Happyogababe, I'm glad you're back on track, I hope to join you on that track soon. It will come, I just need to let it take it's own time. It's nice to know others have these bumps too.

Matt, thank you for that, I shall have a Google.

Well, this morning I saw a little chink of light in the foggy meditation I've been experiencing. It may be the change to the clocks and the extra daylight but I shall not analyse this (as I do have a habit of doing) and I shall merely observe.

I find that in winter I get terrible tunnel vision and I have trouble experiencing the wideness of the world, does that make sense? I get a bit trapped in my own head. In the summer I find it easier to 'see', I felt it yesterday on my daily lunchtime mindfulness walk, I could hear the birds singing and see the buds forming on the trees and I realised how much I had not actually been seeing things.

Have a lovely day everyone.

K

[JonW]

"Jon, I was thinking of going back to the beginning and redoing the Palouse course, start again with fresh eyes."

Does the Palouse course start with the body scan in week one? Does it place strong emphasis on the body scan and mindful movement?
I only ask because I feel these are important components of the 8-week course and, in certain courses (Finding Peace In A Frantic World, for example), I feel those practices are made to step back to make room for sitting meditation.
Connecting with your body may be exactly what you need right now.
Jon, Hove

[KathleenH]

Hi Jon, yes, it's week one and it does place an emphasis on connecting with the body and the senses (raisin meditation).

I think you are very right there, saying I need to connect with my body more. I do a lot of weight training and I am trying to incorporate more mindfulness into this, creating the mind/muscle connection, feeling the weights in my hands, the body moving and the muscles contracting.

Oh I really needed this, I didn't realise how much this discussion would help but I do feel as though it's opened my mind up again. Thank you all, I shan't keep it all to myself next time.

[Happyogababe]

Hi Kathleen,

I'm so pleased that you are seeing 'chinks of light' and what a lovely way of putting it