Mindfullness, Sad Feeling, Stress & Anxiety

[mindfull_student]

Hi all,
I started mindfulness because I struggled a lot with excessive rumination on thoughts which were making me anxious, upset, and even a bit depressed.

In the practice of mindfulness if I am upset about something which has happened, how do I deal with that?
My current strategy is that every occasion I 'catch' myself thinking the upsetting thought, I gently and compassionately focus on something else, e.g the feeling of the keyboard under my fingers as I type this message.

However after a lot of reading online I see that people suggest 'focusing' on the feeling of being sad without judgement, which is counter to my core understanding of the purpose of meditation - this isn't going to work for me because I am often falling into the trap of sadness and anxiety.

Is there any school of mindfullness that I can subscribe to which can teach me not how to focus inwards on emotions, but to clear my cluttered mind of all the anxiety, upsetting thoughts, doubts, and fears and to just feel calm and focused on the task at hand? Whether the task be breathing, cooking dinner, or just relaxing and trying to fall asleep.

[Mischa]

Hi there,

I kind of get what you're asking, I am now in a phase where I am constantly thinking and worrying about my upcoming move. It also gives me a feeling of nerviousness and I wonder too what to do with that. In my topic, someone advised me to give myself some slack. That's good advice, because I do realise that I got a bit frustrated with not being able to control these thoughts. So to accept in this present moment that there are troubles about the past of future, may be an act of kindness to yourself.

Also, a while ago I had a difficult conversation with my manager and I was highly upset about that. I then did the 3 minute breathing space meditation on youtube and I was overwhelmed with emotions. So instead of bringing my focus back to typing on my pc, I chose to feel the upset feeling. And I acknowledged they were there and I felt them.

If I understand it correctly, bringing the focus back to whatever you want to bring your focus back to is what mindfulness is about. And sometimes you want to bring the focus back to emotions and difficult feeling. Please, anyone, correct me when I'm wrong.

[mindfull_student]

Also, a while ago I had a difficult conversation with my manager and I was highly upset about that. I then did the 3 minute breathing space meditation on youtube and I was overwhelmed with emotions. So instead of bringing my focus back to typing on my pc, I chose to feel the upset feeling. And I acknowledged they were there and I felt them.

I can relate to this, your situation is exactly one which I am trying to avoid.
You chose to feel the upset feeling, but was that a wise decision? Would it not have been more beneficial to push out the negative emotions, focus on your breathing, settle your mind, and then continue with your work and productivity?

I will go out on a limb and say mindfulness should not be about putting yourself at the whim of the emotions inside your mind by 'looking inwards' - unfortunately many schools of thought on this topic seem to focus on 'feeling emotions'. Perhaps such a technique is useful if one is already happy or in a relaxed state, but would not be effective if you are going through a difficult situation (such as yourself) and want to clear out some of the anxiety in your mind.

[Mischa]

In my case, it was a wise decision. I felt an emotion and I felt that it was ok to feel this way. So I wanted to take the time to feel it. And remember, it's only a 3 minute meditation so afterwards, I felt more at ease and calm.

[JonW]

Hi mindfull_student.
You ask, "Would it not have been more beneficial to push out the negative emotions...?"
I doubt it. That sounds like yet more avoidance. Mindfulness is about paying attention to present moment experience. As you've correctly surmised, the aim of mindfulness is not to clear your cluttered mind of all the anxiety, upsetting thoughts, doubts, and fears. It's not about stopping the mind. Thoughts are not the problem. How we relate to thoughts is often a problem. Mindfulness is not a goal-oriented practice.
I'd be interested to hear how you're going about mindfulness as your interpretation of the practice sounds very different from what I've learned about it. Did you go through the 8-week course with a qualified teacher? Or have you followed the course via a book? Without a structured approach it can be very difficult to ground yourself in the practice.
All best wishes,
Jon

[Gareth]

Is there any school of mindfullness that I can subscribe to which can teach me not how to focus inwards on emotions.

Not that I know of.

Turning towards difficult feelings and emotions is a part of every mindfulness course I've ever seen. As human beings, we are emotional creatures, and the emotions are never going to stop coming. With a solid mindfulness practice though, we can learn to handle these emotions more skillfully. In a way that is more beneficial to our wellbeing.

Ironically the thing that you are seeking i.e being able to move your mind away from distractions and onto the job in hand can certainly be a benefit of the practice. It certainly has for me anyway.

[KathleenH]

Hi there

Pushing away negative feelings, and trying to run away from them often makes them stronger. You know what it's like when there is a job that you need to do but you try to avoid doing it, it plays on your mind. But if you turn towards the job and get it done you mind becomes quiet. It's the same with negative emotions, when you push them away they stay there, demanding to be acknowledged but if you turn towards them, feel where the emotion sits, you start to realise that it is powerless, it's not scary, it's just a feeling, after a while it will start to fade.

This understanding and turning towards is not a magic wand, it takes time and sometimes it will be uncomfortable. If you have done the 8 week course this will give you the tools on how to approach this.

I hope this helps and remember to be kind to yourself.

K

[JonW]

"It may be a paradox but, if we cope with our unpleasant feelings by pushing them away or trying to control them, we actually end up maintaining them. This is the last thing we would expect; yet it remains true. In avoiding or "pushing away" our experience, we remain limited in understanding its wider context. Yet as soon as we accept that we feel sad or anxious, in that moment, it is already different. Accepting that we feel a certain way doesn't mean that we have to approve of it, nor does it mean that we are finally defeated by it and might just as well give up. Quite the contrary: by accepting how we feel, we are just telling ourselves that this is our starting point. We are actually in a better position to decide what to do."
'The Green Book' - Segal, Williams, Teasdale

[Mischa]

"It may be a paradox but, if we cope with our unpleasant feelings by pushing them away or trying to control them, we actually end up maintaining them. This is the last thing we would expect; yet it remains true. In avoiding or "pushing away" our experience, we remain limited in understanding its wider context. Yet as soon as we accept that we feel sad or anxious, in that moment, it is already different. Accepting that we feel a certain way doesn't mean that we have to approve of it, nor does it mean that we are finally defeated by it and might just as well give up. Quite the contrary: by accepting how we feel, we are just telling ourselves that this is our starting point. We are actually in a better position to decide what to do."
'The Green Book' - Segal, Williams, Teasdale

Thanks, very clear.
And by seeing our thoughts as just thoughts, as movements in our brains, we can distance ourselves from them and that might help prevent having unpleasant feelings?

[JonW]

"And by seeing our thoughts as just thoughts, as movements in our brains, we can distance ourselves from them and that might help prevent having unpleasant feelings?"

It's not really about distancing ourselves from thoughts. That implies aversion. It's more that we're turning towards and allowing to be. The same thoughts might well continue to arise but we begin relating to them differently.
This is why week five of the 8-week course is so crucial as it's when we begin to gently turn towards unwelcome thoughts and feelings. At that stage the four-part sitting meditation (breath, body, sounds, thoughts) is particularly helpful as it shows us that thoughts are not unlike sounds. Thoughts arise and fall away. Most of them are unbidden. They only have power over us if we grant them that power.
Without the help of a structured course, it can be difficult for practitioners to grasp this part.
All best,
Jon, Hove