Inner happiness vs striving/pleasure

[Knocky37]

Hello, I'm new to this forum so please forgive me if this post is not really right for this section of the forum, or for the forum at all!

To give you a bit of a background, I'm 37 and have suffered on and off with anxiety and depression for my entire adult life. The last year or two I've had something of a dip after around 4-5 years of relatively no anxiety or depression at all. Anyway, my anxiety will obviously - as is its nature - take the form of repetitive thought and endless dialogue in my head.

One thing that has been particularly troubling me recently centres on a central teaching of mindfulness/meditation/Buddhism etc that I simply can't get my head around. Essentially, one of the core beliefs is that happiness comes from within and should not relate to external conditions, successes, circumstances. Which leads me to the question of what the point of really doing anything is??

For example, I love travelling and am looking forward to my next trip. However, this is an external thing, so essentially why should I bother travelling to Berlin or Seville or Budapest or Vienna or any of these places excite me, when supposedly I should be just as happy sitting in an empty room surrounded only by four walls. Likewise, why should I get excited/feel happy when my football team win a match, because surely I should derive my happiness from within and therefore be equally pleased with a 5-0 defeat as with a 5-0 win. This idea troubles me greatly, and leads into an existential minefield of anxiety, because it just makes me think that everything is meaningless and pointless.

This teaching also then leads to a very overwhelming and severe feeling of guilt whenever I enjoy something/feel joy, because I start thinking "stop it, you shouldn't be feeling happy your team won/you had a tasty meal/you're visiting a new place, because happiness should not be linked to external circumstances!!"

I appreciate I may have misinterpreted (or rather the anxious voice in my head has) this teaching/concept, and would like people to put me right on this and explain their own interpretation of the "happiness not based on external circumstances" concept. I play this argument over in my head over and over and over again, and I really wish I could find some respite from it, and something that helps me understand this teaching with more clarity.

Many thanks

[Peter]

Hi Knocky37,

A very good question.

I think people often mistake happiness for excitement. Maybe it would help if you'd think of it more like a peaceful content feeling. I mostly have a more substantial peaceful content feeling sitting in my back yard, on a sunny day hearing the birds chirping, then when I suddenly get or achieve something 'great'. For me, nothing beats that serene feeling.

It's perfectly natural to want things, and to become excited about getting or achieving things. However it often leads to expectations disappointment and fear. If one gets excited to achieve something, chances are that one gets disappointed if one doesn't achieve it or loses it. This is all perfectly natural, but we don't want to add to it. Don't get overly attached to the idea of achieving something. We better do our best to give our efforts some direction, and be in peace with the way it plays out. If we succeed, that obviously has a short-term better feeling than if we don't. But then we let it go. It is what it is, we did our best. Any resistance to that reality is pointless and adds to suffering.

So, if you like traveling more than staying between four walls, then go traveling. It is probably better for mind and body to be outside, breathing fresh air, hear the birds etc But don't think that you'd only be happy doing that in 'Turkey' next year.

Don't feel guilty if you feel excited or anything. It is perfectly natural. Just try to keep a broader perspective. It probably isn't that big of a deal. If your club wins with 5-0 or loses with 0-5, you probably won't feel any different in a month. Which one might interpret as, "you see, nothing matters", but it is probably more true that a lot of the things one worries about are trivial, and a lot of the things considered trivial are important and often beautiful.

Also, a lot of the times when something doesn't work out, it leaves room for other great possibilities.

Hope that helped you some.

Peter

[Gareth]

When we say that happiness comes from within, we are just saying that the feelings of happiness are something that are arising from inside of yourself.

You go travelling, and it pleases your mind, which releases endorphins and you fee happy. Your team wins 5-0, your brain releases the appropriate chemicals, giving you a sense of wellbeing. This feeling has arisen inside of you. The external event is neutral. The same event could cause misery in another person. I appreciate that the difference is subtle.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going travelling, or punching the air when your team slams in the fifth goal.

Meditating and spending time in stillness will help you to get to know your mind, and help you to identify the things that do make you happy.

Another important point: remember that refraining from judgement as much as possible is another essential part of mindfulness.

[KyCoo]

The one simple answer to this that encompasses the feelings unanimously is "This shall also pass"
We do things because "we have to", or "we want to".

The things that we have to do may give us joy if it's something that we also want to do.
For example, your job. You have to do your job regardless of you like it or not. But if you like what you do, it'll make you happy. If not, it makes you sad.
But the feelings pass away with time.

[JonW]

I think this Buddhist concept can be overstated and easily misunderstood.
It's not saying that we should react to all situations in the same way. If your cat dies, there will be sadness. If you win £100m on the lottery, there will be joy and jubilation (at least for a while, until you fall out with all members of your family and the begging letters start piling in).
If your cat dies, there will be sadness and, like everything else, this will pass. Things frequently don't turn out well for lottery winners.
This is really about turning towards our experiences with equanimity. Sadness arises and falls away. Happiness comes and goes. We don't need to be attached to either. Both sadness and happiness can be held in awareness and we can remind ourselves that they are both part of the passing show.
With practice comes a measure of peace of mind. That can be present whether external events bring happiness or sadness.
Christina Rosalie writes, 'The word ‘happy’ comes from the same root as ‘to happen’. In other words, to experience happiness means to participate wholly in whatever is happening right now.' That sounds about right to me, although I'd probably substitute the word 'happiness' for 'contentment' in that context.
Maybe the words of Noah Levine (Against The Stream) nail it more precisely: 'True happiness exists as the spacious and compassionate heart's willingness to feel whatever is present.'
All good things,
Jon

[Knocky37]

Thank you everyone, thats so helpful, particularly Jon W - fantastic wisdom. Really appreciate your answers, but if anyone wants to add further wisdom that would be greatly appreciated.