Everyday Mindfulness

Hello, I've starting getting into mindfulness meditation because of some problems I have: my mind is usually racing with thoughts(figuring out solutions for work problems or plain old obsessive thoughts), memory problems(I've become very forgetful) and IBS-D(which I'm told is related to stress).

I must say in my country there are really no certified psychologists/therapists specialized in MBSR or any mindfulness programs so I was left with reading psychology books on my own and practicing without any expert guidance.

What I've done some far: focusing on breathing, body scan, walking meditation.

However I've stumbled on a problem which causes me to stop meditating practices completely: during night time I get panic attacks. It's difficult to explain but I wake up and my mind is completely blank, I have no thoughts, my inner voice is gone and since it is night there are no external stimuli(light, sound) which causes me to panic because I feel as if I'm dieing or going mad. Having no thoughts(either planing future events or replaying stuff from the past) is not comfortable for me at all. I end up moving in bed as to feel any sensation and ultimately turning on the TV or my smartphone to get some stimuli. This might seem funny for someone trying to calm their own mind, but having my mind absolutely blank is very scary, it's as if my brain is gone. I've read something about "relaxation induced anxiety" but it does not feel that way because there is no relaxation, it's just the absence of thoughts/stimuli that scares me.

Does anybody have some insight or advice on this matter ? I would really like to continue with mindfulness for the benefits but not if it means losing my sanity.

Hi racingmind,
Welcome to the forum.
Have you tried white noise? White noise is really unbelievably effective. You could download the White Noise app, put in some subtle ear buds, and play white noise through the entire night. After a while you could dial down the volume, until you no longer need it.
Good luck.
Peter

I will look into it, thank you.

For the moment I will stop meditation exercises and resume after the panic attacks are gone.

I think you are right to stop meditating for a while. Your experience sounds like you have entered a state of being without your usual thoughts, which is often the goal or the result of meditation, and so if that is an uncomfortable experience for you then it's probably better for you to stop creating that experience.

The experience of being without any external stimulation can feel very liberating to some but absolutely terrifying to others; it's not for everyone. A different form of self awareness and self improvement may be more suited to you such as positive thinking, creative visualisation, goal setting, the law of attraction etc Some grounding physical exercise could help too.

Good luck and thanks for sharing your experience. Let us know how you get on.

Just a couple of other thoughts: have you looked at other more specific things to help with the problems that you have been having that led to you trying meditation? Seeing your active mind as a positive ability that needs guiding into creative and positive directions; learning memory techniques maybe via a brain training app; exploring changes to your diet. You've probably done all this and more already, but just wanted to emphasise that non-meditation approaches are probably the way to go for now at least.

Your post has inspired me to draft a new short blog:

Avoiding isolation and disconnection in meditation

Meditation can lead to experiences of being detached and separate from the world around you and even from your own thoughts and personality. Whilst a liberating experience for some, for others this can be uncomfortably disturbing or frightening.

I remember as a child a time when I had nightmares where I experienced an enormous nothingness, where I felt I was losing control of everything; and when I first started exploring spirituality and meditation I found the idea of still existing without a body and without any physical stimulation, action or interaction a frightening prospect.

I'm now much more comfortable with, and actively seek, these sorts of experiences when I meditate and I think the most significant reason for this change is that I have had the fortune of being able to practise meditation with other people and with supportive spiritual groups.

Whereas meditating on my own can lead to increased feelings of separation, isolation and emptiness, meditating in a group generates a different flavour of experience, one of unity, love, togetherness and connection. Rather than becoming empty or void of experience, meditation in a shared environment brings an experience of joining something greater than yourself that enriches you and at the same time totally accepts and welcomes you exactly as you are.

You could maybe even try some ambient music?