Everyday Mindfulness

For a couple of years now, I have bought into the idea that my happiness comes from within me. Yet, I have been through depressive episodes that get triggered by intense arguments with others. I go into this mode where I can't stop thinking about what happened in that argument and how others treated me over the years. Something happened today and it has triggered a depression episode. A plan to take a cab back home did not go according to plan and I was yelled at for having wasted this other person's time. It had nothing to do with what I did. I tried my best to make the cab happen. I felt bad at being shouted at, I yelled back and that triggered it.

Now I can't stop thinking about how a friend reacted with a total lack of empathy about my health issues (non depression related). I keep fantasizing about what I should have said to her. I had another argument with another friend about how she keeps beating around the bush instead of just saying no. This was another intense argument that was stupid too. I was accused of giving her the cold shoulder when I ran into her one day, when I was very stressed about something. I feel that no one gets my anxiety issues either. I feel anxious about everyday things and the not so everyday things in life. I am absolutely tactless too when it comes to social conversations.

As you can see above, all I am doing is pointing fingers on people outside of me. I feel ashamed that I have not been able to integrate the idea that happiness comes from within.

hey!

Don't! Just don't! You ran to people with problems. We all have problems. But there are people that are sensitive to others problems and there are ones that do not care.

You think you need to be in a first group to be the nice and kind person. Well you, you don't. Your problems are yours and yours only. Try to guess where problems of your friends come?

As the need to vent out, they vent on you since I guess you don't mind?! Your reaction is showing that maybe you don't have self-esteem at a high point. So you think this is your problem.

I think next time you are in a "cab" or "stupid" or something like this situation, you must train to be mindful and check with yourself did I do something wrong? NO! Okey then I can a.) ignore a person and go out of his way b.) say look I did nothing wrong, but if you have some problems and need to talk I'm here for you.

This way you will bring more happiness into your life and others.

Hi arguseyed,
Have you ever considered doing a silent retreat? It might be just what you need at a time when things, especially people, are getting on top of you. If no organised retreats are available in your area, maybe plan three or four days of camping on your own. Just you and nature for a few days.
Just an idea.
All good things,
Jon

Thank you for your replies.

Now I feel slightly better, but I wish I hadn't lashed out at my friend last night. I had asked her if she wanted to go on a short holiday and she said not for the next 2 weeks, then not for sometime after that, maybe after mid-May. It seemed like she was trying to blow me off. It has happened in the past and I lashed out. I apologized at the end, but I wish I could control my emotions. Maybe I feel really hurt by the times she did blow me off. I'm kind of annoyed at my other friends as well. It's frustrating and like Jon said people are getting to me.

There are 10 day silent retreats where I live, but that seems overwhelming. I do want to get away into nature and may not be able to do that alone. It's not safe for women to travel alone where I live. I'll figure it out. It does seem to be just the thing I need.

arguseyed wrote:but I wish I could control my emotions.

I'm afraid that you can't.

I don't want to seem disagreeable, but it's an important part of mindfulness. When we start to let our emotions be as they are instead of fighting them, we reduce the internal conflict. This is good for us in the long run.