Mindful Communication

By Suzanne Stevens

” I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and to relieve them of their suffering”  ~ Thich Nhat Hanh.

I think mindfulness practices are the most accessible way to begin and to enhance any meditation or yoga practice. It’s also been a huge help in my learning to live well with Multiple Sclerosis. Mindfulness is simply being aware of everything happening in each present moment as it arises and allowing it to be, just as it is. Mindfulness is something that you can weave into every facet of life. Mindful speaking and mindful listening are things I began practicing with many years ago.

I began with mindful speaking since my speech was greatly affected by my MS at one point. Ten years ago, I answered the phone at the hair salon I worked at and I sounded like I was drunker than drunk. My words slurred together and instantly my speech was indecipherable. I was mortified. I met with a speech therapist who taught me that my mind was trying to send a signal to my mouth to say “cat” but, somewhere along the way there was a lag, the signal was derailed due to running into lesions in my brain. Instead, what came out was speech that sounded slurred. I began practicing speaking slower (to my Dad’s delight!) and enunciating everything to try to create a more clear way of communicating.

I began practicing mindful speech and I practiced diligently! At first, I started reserving what I said because my confidence was shattered by this new quirk. I began mindfully noticing my speech habits and by doing so I began catching myself saying things I didn’t even mean or blurting things out that were half thought out just to be a part of a conversation – just to feel included. After several months of being mindful of what I spoke about and how I expressed myself – I learned that I vomited out a lot of needless things. I began taking more time to construct the things I wanted to express. I began learning to listen more so I could respond more appropriately, rather than just throwing words out to feel included or even, smart. I practiced reserving my speech more and practiced listening more.

This became an incredibly enlightening practice for me. Not only enlightening me to my own habits and tendencies regarding expression but, I learned just as much from listening. I practiced speaking slower, more mindfully, being more aware of what I wanted to say before I began trying to speak it. I practiced letting go of frivolous words, instead mindfully choosing the most useful and direct words to get my ideas across. Before speaking I consider: Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it true? These questions can be used for all speech. When I’m talking with my mother, my students, my friends and even the lady at the grocery store checkout. I’ve experienced many mindless words from others, even hurtful words, that perhaps weren’t mean to cause harm but nonetheless, created suffering within me. A snarky comment about why I don’t call more often. A “joke” about my being a fat, dummy who didn’t move fast enough. A comment about how I don’t fit in because I don’t have a kid | husband | mortgage. You get the idea, just because I stopped vomiting out comments – didn’t make other people stop. I notice this in others – just as much as I notice it in myself – the mindlessness of expression.

I practice mindful listening. Reaaaallly listening. No distraction. I am NOT on a smart phone when being talked to! I practice looking someone in the eye, hearing what they say (without reacting or interrupting) and just letting them express themselves as best they can while I hold space for them to do so. I quickly discovered that I’m an avid interrupter! It’s bad! I get so excited I begin vomiting my thoughts all over the person trying to speak – I’ve been practicing with this for years. I do better but still have plenty of room for improvement. By listening, really listening, I’m much better able to understand someone, even if we don’t see eye to eye. By listening, I can begin to relate to what they want, what they need and how they express these things. Sometimes listening, really listening can be the most therapeutic thing you can give to another person.

Not many of us feel that we are truly being heard – why not give your loved ones the gift of knowing they are being heard. It helps relieve suffering in many ways to lovingly let someone express themselves without judgment – when’s the last time you had someone listen, really listen to you? How did that make you feel? How does it make you feel when your friend is obviously not listening and playing with her smart phone while you try telling her about something? Listening is a gift!

After ten years, I can hardly tell I have the slurring issue anymore. It’s definitely something that’s gotten less acute over the years but, when I get tired, stressed or overheated I can definitely feel it coming on. Regardless, I continue practicing mindful speech and mindful listening purely because it’s a great practice – something that has made me a much better person and a much better communicator. Communicating is something we have to do on a daily basis. Why not begin weaving mindfulness into your speech and listening and create a practice of your own? It’s been one of the best practices I’ve added to my life so far!

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