Learning mindfulness isn’t so much about taking on new skills, as it is about letting go of the things that get in the way. With increased awareness, we begin to shine a spotlight on all the unhelpful habits and perspectives that have been tripping us up in life.
Some of these are deeply ingrained beliefs, ones that are everywhere around us, an integral part of our personal, social and cultural conditioning. Mindfulness helps us to see these beliefs, and to begin the process of de-programming ourselves, which in turn strengthens our ability to live even more mindfully.
Here are three mindsets that mindfulness commonly begins to erode, so they can be replaced by a radically different way to approach life – one which supports greater freedom, joy and wellbeing.
1.Process Over Product
Often when we start meditating, we think it’s about obtaining a feeling of relaxation, or emptying the mind of thoughts. However, meditation in the mindfulness tradition isn’t about getting a particular result. It doesn’t actually matter what’s happening in our practice, as long as we’re aware. Mind-wandering, uncomfortable emotions, sleepiness – it’s ok for it all to be there, the idea is just to bring awareness without judgement (and with much kindness!). I find it really interesting that we never talk about getting ‘better’ at meditation in the mindfulness world; instead we talk about ‘deepening’ our practice. There’s no result to aim for, so there’s no failure or success. It’s about inhabiting the process, not achieving a product.
Personally I feel that western society is suffering from a kind of productivity addiction – and we’re all conditioned from a really young age to produce results, constantly. Many of us have experienced the stress and burnout this can lead to. The person who has taught me the most about reversing this conditioning (perhaps ironically) is our son, who is approaching 8 years old as I write this. He has a wonderful imagination and loves to involve me in his extended storytelling games. His capacity to stay in the present moment of the story is quite incredible. Most of us have heard of the state of ‘flow’, when we’re so absorbed in what we’re doing right now, that nothing else seems to exist. Well, our son can spend ages there, and it’s such a joyful, engaged, passionate place. He has no problem inhabiting the process of his story. It’s me that typically tries to rush it to get to the end of the story, craving a nice neat ‘tick’ on my list.
Our son has even patiently shown me how to play some of the computer games he loves, and we’ve had so much fun that I’m starting to wonder if this kind of gaming is so widely disparaged because it’s seen as ‘play’, and therefore not productive. (I’ve also come to appreciate why educationalist Seymour Papert defines computer gaming as ‘hard fun’ in his book The Connected Family.) Gradually, our son has taught me to let go of relentless result-orientation, to give up chasing a defined product, and to slow down into not-knowing. From there, I can access in-depth exploration and deep curiosity about only what is happening right now, in this moment. That’s mindfulness in a nutshell. Imagine how awesome life could be if we brought that quality of attention to it all the time…
2. From Goals To Intentions
Ten years ago, I tended to use the word ‘success’ alot. It was always what I was shooting for, fuelled mostly by the magazines I was reading at the time, I think. These days, I use that word so rarely it’s as if it’s been erased from my vocabulary. It’s not that I’ve given up putting my energy into things that are important to me – quite the opposite! But I don’t grind myself down with corrective evaluation, beating myself up when I fall short of a much-cherished goal, or don’t quite pull something off.
I do however hold some intentions which are very dear to me, and I reflect periodically on what is going well, in terms of living in alignment with those intentions.
To me, goals and intentions feel completely different. Chasing goal-driven success creates a certain feeling in my body. It’s the ‘driven’ bit that I notice – like a tight, contracted feeling especially in my upper body, and I literally feel as if I’m pulling forwards. It even feels like I’m not taking full breaths. One thing that helps me to back off from this is to release the time-frame. This allows a switch from goal to intention: for me, a goal is tied to a time-frame, but an intention isn’t, it’s more about moving towards something that matters to me at whatever pace feels natural. An intention is often about a bigger picture, perhaps even quite a lofty aspiration of what might be possible. But rushing it isn’t helpful. Touching into my intention helps me to slow it down and let things happen (it’s no coincidence that patience is considered one of the key mindfulness attitudes).
In my own experience, I’ve found that being intention-led rather than goal-led has unfolded in a pleasantly surprising way. In my work, the more I’ve let go of time-frames and embraced intentions instead, some pretty amazing things have happened. A few years ago I’d never have dreamed that I could become a mindfulness teacher, never mind that I’d be running my own classes which people would regularly attend and (so they tell me) get so much out of.
3. Control Becomes Responsiveness
Control is somewhat worshipped in contemporary culture. We are given the message that if we can just be in control – of our careers, our relationships, our emotions, our children, our health etc, then we’ll be happy. And yet… I’ve noticed that the more I seek control, the more on edge I seem to be.
One way that control-seeking shows up for me is a compulsive need to manage everything. I can get obsessive over scheduling work time, as an attempt to exert control over that elusive work-life balance. I can also lose alot of time to rehearsing emails and conversations before they actually happen! Paying attention to this, I spotted that there is a difference between healthy boundaries that support mindfulness, and a kind of over-management that steals energy and undermines a responsive, mindful way of living.
For me, the healthy boundaries support choice and full attention: for example, I switch off email notifications and leave my phone on silent, so that I choose when to deal with messages and can give people my full attention when I am interacting with them.
By contrast, over-management is constantly deliberating about when and how I’ll get the various things on my list done. When I look closely, I see that it doesn’t help me to get more done, it just drains away a huge amount of energy that could be better channeled into actually doing the things I care about. Control-seeking also exacerbates a feeling of aversion towards some of the tasks that I perpetually rearrange on my schedule – really it’s just a form of procrastination. This constant ‘mental management’ is about trying to nail down a kind of security which actually doesn’t exist in this human life. Things are imperfect, and they change. And as long as I’m alive, I’m probably always going to have a to-do list of some kind. I won’t get to the end of it, to the imaginary pot of gold there, no matter how much energy I throw into creating the perfect plan.
As a control-freak-in-recovery, this over-management is a hard habit to let go of. It’s scary, to loosen my grip on behaviours that feel like they bring safety.
But, with mindfulness, control becomes choice.
In each moment, I can choose how I want to use my energy. I can be flexible, and trust my instinct about how best to use my time. I can let go of the schedules that create artificial separations between different parts of being alive. It’s all just life. Whether I’m playing with our son, teaching a class, cleaning the kitchen or paying an invoice… it’s all living.
Letting go a little of mental management has freed me up hugely – to be driven not by an artificial schedule, but by responsiveness, choice and flexibility.
Perhaps you recognise some of the tendencies I’ve mentioned. If so, maybe you’re left wondering how you go about this ‘unlearning’ I’ve been talking about. The simple answer to that is to keep (or start) practising mindfulness. Find a teacher, a book or some meditations that feel like a good fit for you, and begin to build a daily practice. When you’ve practised for a while and you’re still not sure if anything is ‘happening’, keep practising some more. The de-programming I’ve been describing is something I’ve witnessed over and over again in the hundreds of people I’ve taught. And it’s nothing short of magic. The one thing I ask you to bring as you show up for this journey is a willingness to unlearn what you think you know. I’m so glad I did.
If you liked this blog, you might also like 4 Ways To Make Meditation Easier and How I Eliminated My To-Do List
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