By Mick
I suppose that I should start at the beginning, with my accident at work in a joiners shop in 1985, when my hand went into a spindle moulder. I had comparatively minor injuries of broken and badly cut fingers and thumb. When I went back to work I had anxiety problems, followed by depression, other problems soon followed, as did lots of antidepressants, sleeping pills, psychiatrists and psychologists. I had two six months spells in a vocational or industrial rehabilitation unit but had to resign from my second time there when things started to get a lot worse.
That’s how it was up until about 2008 when I got 10 sessions of CBT at my health centre. The CBT made a big difference to me though ten sessions wasn’t enough and without the excellent feedback and support that I’d had, it was pretty difficult to cope on my own and my mood went sinking back down. I then got a CPN who arranged some therapy. It was quite a long wait so during that time I’d decided to come off my antidepressants to see what life was like without them.
In early 2011 I got to see someone in Accrington for CBT. During the assessment, I was told that I wasn’t well enough to do CBT but that I should consider Mindfulness instead. She asked me to Google ‘mindfulness’ and if I thought it was ok to ring for an assessment. So I did this and as she didn’t ask me to follow a link the results page was as far as I got. I did notice ‘awareness’ and ‘acceptance’ and just thought, “yeh be aware that you’re beyond help, accept it and go away and quit bothering us.” So I rang for an assessment and went to the Mount.
I was thoroughly tired of living by this time and thought it best to just say the right thing and go home. So they said I could do mindfulness. I thought that it would be cancelled like most other things had been and decided that when it didn’t work then I’d take 300 antidepressants to kill myself and hoped that people would be able to understand that I’d tried everything, that nothing had worked and that I couldn’t go on any longer. So I went over to Oswaldtwistle for the first mindfulness session.
I wasn’t used to being with so many people and was very uncomfortable with all those people around me, and tried to block out as many as possible by sitting out of the group and blocking more of them out with the pillar that I sat next to. It was a difficult two hours. I’m not going to go into detail about the sessions, partly because it would take too long but mainly, because if you do decide to give it a try you’re better off not knowing what’s involved. That’s not because it’s a secret or something mysterious, but because if you do know what’s involved then your mind will start to form opinions about it , which because it probably knows nothing about mindfulness will almost certainly be wrong and will just give you more to cope with in the sessions, and you really don’t need that.
All I thought on the way home from the first session was “seven more and it’s all over”. Though I did do all the homework just to prove to myself that I had tried to make it work and failed and anyway. I went to the second session with the same thoughts, in the same frame of mind. Part way through this session, I realised how mindfulness worked. So that for me was the turning point. I went home thinking that maybe they weren’t totally barmy, and maybe it could work for me and maybe I won’t be dead in six weeks or so.
I read the session handouts again. I realised then how wrong I’d been. I felt that I’d wasted two sessions. Things finally felt like they were going well, I was getting a lot from mindfulness but then in a later session some unexpected problems surfaced. I struggled to ask for help at the best of times and couldn’t ask in the sessions. I hated myself so much for being like I was. I felt depressed and suicidal again. But I kept at it because I felt that mindfulness could work, I just avoided what I couldn’t do but always meant to come back to it when I could.
When it came to the final session I finally began managing to sit with everyone else. It took a lot of effort, but I just wanted to be part of the group, for the first time in a long while I wanted to belong, even if only for one session. So I left the course having found a few new problems, but I wasn’t seriously thinking of killing myself anymore and I was sure mindfulness would help.
About a week later we went on our summer holiday. I usually ended up with migraine on the way home. This time I used all the mindfulness practice’s that I’d learned and arrived home feeling ok and pretty pleased with myself, because my mind hadn’t been wandering all over the place, creating every disaster possible by having two grown up kids and a crazy dog partying in the house for a week! Mindfulness had worked and I didn’t have a migraine. The DWP had other ideas and had sent their incapacity benefit witch hunt form for me to fill in. It was waiting on the doormat. I read through it, finding most of the questions either irrelevant or downright insulting and as usual there was nothing at all for mental health problems.
My mood plummeted and I got a migraine, took a couple of anti-migraine pills which didn’t work so I went to bed and ended up in tears. I couldn’t cope and couldn’t cope with the thought of another six weeks of a witch hunt. I took 100 Dothiepin that I’d hidden in a drawer by the bed, not expecting to wake up again. To say I was heartbroken when I threw up is an understatement. I had another 200 Dothiepin downstairs but couldn’t get to them. I thought of getting these out of the loo, washing them and taking them again but thought if they didn’t kill me then they might make me ill so didn’t. So I ended up in hospital. I was fully aware of all the damage Dothiepin can do, that’s why I’d previously refused to come off it or change it, it was supposed to be my way out. Whilst I was on the ward I used mindfulness practices to try to cope with the pain and the still strong thoughts about killing myself, though the stairwells weren’t wide enough to jump off, the windows didn’t open wide enough, the meds were locked away and I couldn’t find anything sharp. It was a long night. I’d have been stuffed without the mindfulness. The thoughts and disappointment would have been too much; I’d have found some way to finish myself off. I ended up with the crisis team and then when they discharged me I got some mindfulness based therapy with a brilliant therapist, and in only about six months was feeling better than I’d done in 26 years.
I finally managed to work my way through all eight sets of session notes. It had taken me around nine months to finish it but I was really pleased when I did. So then my therapist suggested that I might want to be a mindfulness volunteer. This didn’t cause me any of the usual work related emotional problems, and in mid May 2012, only twelve months since the start of my mindfulness course but almost 27 years to the month since my accident, it was almost set up. I’ve since trained as walk leader for the local ‘stepping out ‘ health walks, so that I can get more used to being in the company of other people. It was difficult changing from my ways of coping that I’d been using for 26 years and going to a mindful way of living. I felt stuck between the two for a while before finally realising that my old ways didn’t really work. Most days now start with a meditation practice or yoga. I find it helps set me up for nice calm and relaxed start to the day. I do another meditation practice in before bed which I’ve found helps me get some better quality sleep and working informal practice in when the opportunity arises. I doubt very much if I’d still be here if it wasn’t for the mindfulness therapy that I’ve done in what was only a few months. Having a brilliant therapist helps!
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This is one of the most moving stories I’ve read about how mindfulness can turn someone’s life around. Truly inspirational.
We know that mindfulness is a process of the mind. What I teach an ability that comes from the brain, it allows you to live through any experience without experiencing stress.
After, a near drowning I was diagnosed mentally retarded and my parents were advised to remove me from school. My mental state was very close to mindfulness, yet, it was an open minded state by which my five senses experienced the moment.
Its an experience that removes your mindful feelings created from thinking and lets your natural feelings help to experience one emotion for one experience. This works better, than, mindfulness, because sometimes there shouldn’t be a feeling.
And this is where stress is created. Too, this state if mind prevents stress from developing from thinking. It control pain to the pain that the brain will produce its own pain killers and so, much more.
What I use is more effective than meditation and mindfulness for it works instantly. By letting the brain take control of the mind and body.
Thank you Mick for publishing your personal story. It has the power to motivate others to stay on the right track.
thank-you for taking the time to share your very moving story. You’ve come a long way. Well done!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I wish every day brings more peace for you.