Grief - please help

[MattG]

I have dabbled in mindfulness for depression, OCD & anxiety on and off for a few years. Today, I lost my Mum, the person I loved the most in The World. What lies ahead could be horrific. It will be tough. But I don't WANT it to be horrific.

If anyone can recommend some readings on how to deal with this I would be very grateful. Thanks for reading.

[MattG]

Sorry didn't see Ged's topic.

[Matt Y]

Sorry for your loss Matt. If you didn't find anything useful in the other posts, or want some tips related to your own experiences, please feel free to ask.

[JonW]

Hi Matt.
I'm sorry for your loss.
If you're going through a particularly tough time and looking to explore mindfulness more fully, it would be advisable to seek out a good teacher. If there are no classes in your area, you might want to consider an online course. I believe my teacher does work via Skype so let me know if you would like his details.
In terms of books, I've not read either of the following but they seem to be highly recommended:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-Gri ... ness+grief
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-Wor ... ness+grief

Also, I would personally recommend the following by Mark Williams:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-Thr ... k+williams

To state the obvious, it's important as this difficult time to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Do ensure that you get the right kind of support.
Needless to say that this forum will be there to help or advise re. mindfulness. But I would ask you to bear in mind that we don't claim to be experts in the field. If we feel we're unable to answer any questions we will, of course, do our best to refer you.
All best wishes,
Jon, Hove

[MattG]

Thanks, Jon. I'll be ordering one or both of those

[paulpsych]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.
Grief is of course natural, and you will experience all the associated emotions. This is how it should be. What mindfulness will help you with however, is being present with these, without adding to your suffering by imagining an "horrific" future.

[MattG]

Thanks Paul. You folks are brilliant.

Cn I ask, things I don't 'get' with mindfulness:

1. I think I am supposed to seek to recognise I am thinking when I am thinking. When we become aware of autimoatic thoughts, do we let them peter out or conclude? If they 'stop' when we shine the light on them, do we force the conclusion?

Example: "I wonder what will happen if x? Then y might do that, but only if..."

Say here mindful awareness kicks in and we realise we are thinking at the point 'if' in this verbal thought. What goes next?

2. Also my OCD is cmplusive thoughts. Thinking things through, for exaple, until I remember things exactly as they were. An example here is how my Mum said certain phrases.

Do I think these things through and be aware that I am thinking them, without striving for the feeling that I have remembered accurately and feel 'just right'? Or should mindfulness be about non-verbal thoughts at all, as far as possible, so I would just feel the compulsion to think and observe whatever thoughts/feelings arise thereafter?

3. Lastly, if we just say thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions, how do we ver know what is true?

Can I ask a favour? I really need the answers to these Qs as I feel that only this info gives me a chance of seeing the way ahead.

If you are skimming this and in two minds whether you can be bothered to give a reply, please, please do.

I know I will need a teacher soon and that this is a user-led forum and on NO way a substitute for professional advice on any matter. But at this juncture these answers will help for the near future, at least.

Thanks for reading folks and for the replies.

[paulpsych]

HI Matt.
You've just had a major event, and I suspect your mind is creating a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions.
I think the best advice I can give is to return to the basics of mindfulness. Focus on breath, recognise when your thoughts have strayed then gently return to your breath as an anchor.
As for your questions
1. The thing about "automatic thoughts" is that they are just that - automatic. Without conscious control. Once you become aware then they are no longer automatic. All you need to do is be aware of them and then, in time, they decrease. Just be aware one has occurred then return yourself to the present moment.
2. The same goes for this really. Compulsive thoughts are just automatic thoughts repeated over and over. You don't have to do anything other than recognise them and return yourself to the present moment. But remember - do this kindly and don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts.
3. What is true? Philosophers have been arguing that one for years, and I'm not sure they've come to any conclusion yet. All I would say is the only thoughts and emotions that are real are those experienced in the present moment. Those in the past are remembered events and those in the future are imagined ones. You might -using your example- think that your future will be "horrid", and I may think that mine is wonderful. Neither are true. Thoughts are not facts.

I hope that makes sense?
Kindest regards
Paul

[JonW]

I can't really add much to Paul's excellent post.
The key to this is practice. I'm almost two years into mindfulness practice now. My old self was almost constantly caught up in negative thought spirals. Now, when a negative thought arises, it's much, much less velcro-like than it used to be. Mostly the thought arises, is recognised, and it ebbs away. This is not an effect I strive for. It simply happens.
If my formal meditation practice lapses, which it does occasionally, I start to notice that my thoughts become more velcro-like.
As Paul says, thoughts are not necessarily facts. A simple observation like "I am now reaching for a sugar cube to drop into my cup of tea," that's undeniably a fact. Most thoughts are mere speculations. The mind has a way of seizing on these speculations and making them feel like truths.
A good teacher will provide the essential grounding needed for mindfulness to become assimilated so that we find more space around our thoughts and feelings. Over time we learn to respond to situations, rather than react. Once the teaching is done, it's up to the individual to sustain the practice. That's where it can become tricky for some people.
Good things,
Jon, Hove

[MattG]

I cannot thank you two enough for this. Paul's cleared up a lot of my queries about the practice that I have always had. If ever you write a book on the discipline, please do explain about the 'compulsive' thoughts because in all the books I have read, including from the most revered authors, I have not found this answer. Whether I have missed it I don't know.

Thanks again both.